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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be put off by someone pretending they are 8 stone lighter than they are online?

59 replies

yellowtraincoat · 22/05/2018 20:50

Met someone online, spoke a lot as just friends. Met through a mutual interest. Saw a couple of pictures that were just face and don't show much but didn't particularly care as it was just a mutual interest friendship.

We spoke about weight because it came up casually after I visited a museum and we were working out how many of us could fit in the thing, but I kind of mentally then had an image in my head of him (previously couldn't really picture his body as just seen half his face).

It kind of developed more and more romantically, so when there was an event for the mutual interest, we decided we would meet there. Met there and he is just so much bigger than the weight he said. It wasn't that long ago, so it's not as if he has gained the weight. I'd say he is around 8 stone heavier. I don't think he remembered ever telling me his weight.

I'm not saying weight is important, but I don't know... AIBU to now be put off of him?

OP posts:
saiya06 · 23/05/2018 10:34

The word gaslighting has become ridiculous. So now if you are on a site about say gardening, unless you put a full body pic up, you are gaslighting people? Maybe I should take in depth photos of my stretch marks and wobbly tummy just in case someone dares to find me attractive and put it on my linkedin. I wouldn't want to "gaslight" any future employers.

You don't have to be attracted to him but to act like you're his victim is just sad.

dailymailsucksbigtime · 23/05/2018 10:38

How canyon possibly guess what 8 stone looks like?

RoseWhiteTips · 23/05/2018 10:41

Eight stone looks like a person who is eight stone. It is the size of a person. IF you are carrying that weight in addition to a more normal weight for you, then that is a big issue. In more ways that one.

RavenWings · 23/05/2018 10:44

It isn't the same as not taking pictures of bloody stretch marks, the guy said he was 8 stone lighter. That's deception, it is a lie. If you discuss something and say you are what you aren't, it is a lie. Not mentioning something isn't the same.

UpstartCrow · 23/05/2018 10:46

Surely its no different from using a photo of yourself from 20 years ago?

KarmaStar · 23/05/2018 10:50

BUT if a woman posted on here and said she'd done all this in reverse and he had said no to another date because she was eight stone bigger than he thought and felt she should have told him,wouldn't many of you say HE was bu?

nikkylou · 23/05/2018 10:53

He probably lied, as why would you confess to a relative stranger your weight? I take it everyone else is 100% truthful in their accounts on online?

As it happened you got to know each other better, and you planned to meet up. Something that when he lied about his weight, he was not expecting to happen.

He either forgot the conversation, the likelihood of this dependant how long ago it took place. Or, he was thinking "oh shit, shes going to judge me and know I was lying!!" He's probably hoping you won't mention it, debating whether he apologises for his lie, or just continues.

If weight and lying about weight is big issue for you, tell him

caperberries · 23/05/2018 11:04

I've noticed that people who are overweight often share only cropped/ face only photos on social media. Some of my Facebook friends are very overweight, but you'd never guess it from the selective photos they share. Equally, plenty of women look completely different from their pictures if you see them when they are not wearing make-up etc.

You can never know what someone really looks like until you meet them in person. It's just one of those things.

MrsDilber · 23/05/2018 11:06

If you don't find him attractive, then you just don't.

If it were me (I need to lose weight), I'd have said before we met, if our relationship was turning romantic. So I don't think yabu.

You just have to decide if it's ok with you without trying to change him.

Hefzi · 23/05/2018 11:10

But OP hasn't said that it was a potential relationship Confused It would definitely be an issue on a dating website. But on an interest forum? I'm spoken about my weight on here, as it's come up in connection with a thread (I'm ten stone overweight). I participate in an interest forum too, and I've never mentioned it - not because I am gaslighting anyone Hmm but because my weight has fuck all to do with widgets. No-one else I "know" on there has told me about their weight or weight issues either. Because it still has fuck all to do with widgets. I have a headshot on my profile, as thems the rules - I guess you can see I'm overweight, but you can't tell I need to lose half my body weight, because of my facial bone structure. I wouldn't feel the need to "warn" anyone about my weight before meeting - and haven't - as the purpose of events etc is also widgets.

HildaZelda · 23/05/2018 11:11

YANBU. He lied to you about what he actually weighed. It's not as if he was a stone overweight and thought he could hide it. At 8 stone overweight, he's obviously obese. I wouldn't be happy with being lied to either.

BlueJava · 23/05/2018 11:17

It would completely put me off. I would let him down gently and give some other reason but I wouldn't continue to meet/chat. If that makes me shallow then I am but 8 stone is a lot, hell even 4 stone is!

harriethoyle · 23/05/2018 11:19

8 stone is a whole adult person! You're definitely nbu to be put off by this.

MERLYPUSSEDOFF · 23/05/2018 11:19

Are you sure it's 8 stone?

My friend weighs just under 8 stone. That's a whole 5'2'' human's more weight.

I can't see how you could not manage to see that in a head shot photo. My brother is overweight and it shows in his face.

Was he 2 foot taller than you expected?

SeaCabbage · 23/05/2018 11:21

I agree about wondering how things can turn romantic before you even met?

Also, could you be a bit clearer about what he said about his weight. You just mentioned a lift! What did he actually say about his own weight?

ReanimatedSGB · 23/05/2018 11:22

Well, given how many fucking idiots there are who think that weight is some kind of moral issue, and fat people are losers/scumbags etc, and that everyone is entitled to lecture fat people about their weight and how to lose some I'm not remotely surprised that this man didn't want to risk having yet another fucking conversation about diets and 'taking care of yourself' and 'but what about your health?' with someone he (at that point) didn't think he was ever likely to meet in the flesh.

If OP doesn't fancy him because he's fat, that's up to her. But to tell him that the reason she doesn't fancy him is his weight is a cunty thing to do. He knows he's fat. Every fat person knows they are fat. Just back off politely.

TheRealMotherGoose · 23/05/2018 11:26

Do you think you are put off him because:

  1. Now you have met up in real life, you aren't attracted to him at all?

or

  1. You are attracted to him, but feel he has lied?
Johnnycomelately1 · 23/05/2018 11:44

It came up casually after I visited a museum and we were working out how many of us could fit in the thing

He could just be shit at maths. Look, you're not obliged to find him attractive- if you don't, you don't. But I think you're (needlessly) feeling a bit guilty/ disappointed about that and so twisting it into "I'm fine he's fat. I'm just not fine that he lied about it".

LolaTheDarkdestroyer · 23/05/2018 11:49

Aww bless him he was embarrassed and didn't want to put you off...you've got to know him and like him as a person so it's up to you, 8 stone is a mega difference though it depends if you can see past that.

BlueBug45 · 23/05/2018 11:55

The problem is he lied. If you lie about your weight because you are embarrassed or in denial, then you are going to lie about finances and more intimate stuff.

TheRealMotherGoose · 23/05/2018 12:15

I don't really see it as a problem that he misrepresented his weight. For starters, it could easily have been a mistake (e.g. saying something in kilograms rather than pounds, or working out the maths wrong).

But also, I mean -- do you feel you owe it to random accquaintances to be brutally honest about your weight?! I know that in the States, where your weight appears on your driver's licence, it's a running joke that everyone underestimates their weight! I just don't think it's the kind of information that one is obliged to share. People can see you for yourself (as you have now seen your friend, in real life) and I can't see that the exact weight is really something that one should be obliged to share punctiliously with others. I certainly don't feel like I want to share mine! Grin

TheRealMotherGoose · 23/05/2018 12:20

@BlueBug45 I do get where you are coming from in terms of honesty, but don't you think it's a bit different?

For example it would be a real breach of trust if I told my partner that I was 3 stone lighter or heavier than I was -- they are somebody with a real stake in my life and we have a mutual commitment. But if I was joking about the lift with the postman, and didn't feel comfortable sharing my real weight, that doesn't seem like quite the same thing.

BlueBug45 · 23/05/2018 12:24

@TheRealMotherGoose if you are that overweight you simply wouldn't mention it let alone joke about it.

Mookatron · 23/05/2018 12:27

You don't have to fancy him. Not fancying him is not a moral issue, just as his being 8 stones overweight is not a moral issue either, despite what some on this thread seem to think.

The lie is understandable. If you fancied him you might have to think about whether the lie made a relationship impossible but as you don't it's beside the point.

Gabilan · 23/05/2018 12:55

If you're not attracted to him, you're not. It doesn't matter why. It's fine not to be.

Personally I don't really think he's lied though. He uses face only shots in a forum that has nothing to do with OLD. That's fair enough. He mentioned his weight in a non-dating context. You estimate he's 8 stone heavier. I find it nigh-on impossible to guess someone's weight. People are generally out by at least a stone when they try to guess mine. So he's heavier than you pictured and you don't fancy him. It's a shame, but that's how it is.

For those asking how it can take a romantic turn - it can certainly take a flirtatious turn well before you meet. Just depends what you count as romantic I guess.

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