To not invite my fiancé's brother to our wedding

[helennnnn]

We are engaged after eight years together and want something very low key. We looked into eloping but those wedding seem more expensive so we have decided on a small registry office wedding followed by something nice after, like dinner at a nice hotel.

We only want to invite a few people - my nan, my parents and his parents. One of my sisters is living in New Zealand so won't make it, and my other sister may get an invite (haven't decided yet).

The issue is my fiancé's brother. In our whole relationship I've barely had a conversation with him as he's always in his room playing xbox or smoking weed. He's always ignored me, apart from one time he made a 'joke' about me calling fat he was only 15 at the time but I really took it to heart,

He is a stranger to me and I would feel awkward having him at our small and intimate wedding (my sister and parents have always made an effort with fiancé and know him quite well and same with me and his parents).

I've told DP I'm not too keen, and doubt his brother would want to come anyway. But he still wants to invite him but probably would keep it to just his parents if I insisted. I would probably have to not invite my sister either though so this would look acceptable. I know I'm probably BU but it would make me feel embarrassed all dressed up in my wedding dress and saying vows in front of a stranger really, who insulted me all those years ago.

It’s his brother. He wants him there so yes it would be unfair to insist he isn’t invited

Starting off on the right foot with your new family would mean inviting your bil imo.

Yabu.

If he's kept out of your way and only made the one shite comment all those years ago.... then I think I would suck it up for the sake of the in-laws! Why would your sister not be invited?

Sorry but I think you're being very unreasonable.

I would say your being a bit unreasonable , he's not a stranger, he's your partner's brother!
If it we're me, I'd invite my sister and dp's brother, it's irrelevant that he made a silly joke years ago, he was maybe nervous or just a bit awkward, I would forget about that.

I'd tell him he could either come or have the equivalent money - he'll choose the money and all will be happy

I think yanbu actually.

The key phrase is small intimate wedding.

That's a completely different vibe to a big do.

It would be utterly unreasonable to exclude him from a big do.

But a small intimate wedding, with only a handful of people there to see you say your vows?

No, I wouldn't want someone there I felt actively uncomfortable with. And that would be the end of it, because it would be my wedding. Yep, fiance's wedding too... but same would go for him. I wouldn't expect him to be ok with anyone he didn't feel comfortable with either.

If that's not going to work for your fiance, the answer is not for you to feel uncomfortable and irritated at your own wedding. The answer is to plan a different wedding. So maybe yes, parents only. Or simply vows with friends as witnesses and then a party.

God, the poor kid (& he was literally a kid) made one crap joke (years ago?) and you're still holding it against him? Yup, time to move on and forgive!

You can't stop him from inviting his brother! I had a very small wedding with only immediate family and no aunts, uncles etc but all our siblings were invited.

By the way, I agree that your feelings towards him are possibly a little irrational - but that's not really the point of the post.

You shouldn't feel actively uncomfortable at your wedding.

I guess then that there is a third option - get to know bro in law before the ceremony (when you might find him to be lovely, if a bit inept and certainly not the silly 15 year old who once insulted you).

But bottom line - your wedding, it has to be a good vibe if it's a small one.

Do neither of you have any friends at all?!

I wouldn't say calling someone fat once many years ago is that big of a crime tbh especially if it came form a 15yo. You sound very petty. Make an effort with him.

How old is he now?
My teens barely come out of their room but we don't use it as an excuse to remove them from the family. A misjudged teasing comment at 15 isn't worth a lifetime's family rift is it? You may be right and he won't want to come, but you should invite him if your DP wants him there.

The person marrying you will be a stranger, so that argument falls flat YABU.

A child made a fairly rubbish joke years ago (how many, out of curiosity?) and he’s cut out of your life forever even though you’re marrying his brother?! Don’t be a knob. He wants his brother there. Invite him and let it go.

He was 15, a kid. Get over it

He sounds like a dick, but I'd say as the adult try and find some common ground and have a chat with him.
He may even apologise.

Just, she doesn't feel uncomfortable with strangers.

She feels uncomfortable with the prospect of a dank weed-smoking teen who's never bothered to pass the time of day with her scowling and scuffing his shoes against the chair in front while she makes her vows in a small intimate group. So to speak.

Yep, she shouldn't snub him. But neither should she feel awkward. They need to do the whole thing differently if having Donny Darko there is non-negotiable on fiance's part.

disclaimer: this post attempts humour, but readers are politely reminded that dinner and bathtime are not yet completed chez Fizz, which may affect the overall quality of the result.

Yabvvvvu but you know that im sure. Its your future bil. If a cousin yet but this is too close. He made one remark when 15 and you still remember it...

Excluding siblings from the wedding is not a great way to start off married life. How does your sister feel about being excluded because you dislike your future brother in law?

Your fiancé wants to invite his DB to his wedding. I don't think there's anything else to debate.

I would say a big (maybe the biggest) part of being married is compromise, you are sharing your life with another person and there will be times you don’t see eye to eye, or agree with everything.

With this situation it’s a bit of a no brainier, he wants his brother there and it’s a small intimate family affair. It’s not as if it’s a distant cousin, he will be your brother in law - stranger of not, you will be family - and not having him at the wedding doesn’t change that. Also You’re not getting off on the right foot with your soon to be husband’s family if you exclude one of them.

Its not only your wedding, its also your dp wedding.

I think you are being very unreasonable and unkind.

But I'll say this, most of all, you're unwise. Don't start your married life off on the wrong foot. You do not own a husband, you own a marriage. All this hassle over a small wedding. Just be gracious and the bigger, better person. And love and support your husband by accepting his family.

If you don’t invite his db you can’t then invite your dsis

Personally I would start with a happy family model you have a whole lifetime with these people op! Christenings, new babies, funerals, Christmases. Be the bigger person