To not invite my fiancé's brother to our wedding

[helennnnn]

We are engaged after eight years together and want something very low key. We looked into eloping but those wedding seem more expensive so we have decided on a small registry office wedding followed by something nice after, like dinner at a nice hotel.

We only want to invite a few people - my nan, my parents and his parents. One of my sisters is living in New Zealand so won't make it, and my other sister may get an invite (haven't decided yet).

The issue is my fiancé's brother. In our whole relationship I've barely had a conversation with him as he's always in his room playing xbox or smoking weed. He's always ignored me, apart from one time he made a 'joke' about me calling fat he was only 15 at the time but I really took it to heart,

He is a stranger to me and I would feel awkward having him at our small and intimate wedding (my sister and parents have always made an effort with fiancé and know him quite well and same with me and his parents).

I've told DP I'm not too keen, and doubt his brother would want to come anyway. But he still wants to invite him but probably would keep it to just his parents if I insisted. I would probably have to not invite my sister either though so this would look acceptable. I know I'm probably BU but it would make me feel embarrassed all dressed up in my wedding dress and saying vows in front of a stranger really, who insulted me all those years ago.

But it’s not just your wedding, the day is not just your day. It’s your partners day too so he can invite who he wants.

Has she made an effort with him though?

Do you have children? Because I'd say it's very likely that you will have 'gatherings' if children come along? Would you not want them to know their cousins or uncle in the future?

You may need your family during hard times one day in the future. Why make that difficult?

It's very unkind to exclude just one sibling - you either have all or none at all. And in this case, you should invite the brother and do this to make your husband happy - to demonstrate to him that his feelings and happiness is important.

Why do females think that the invitation list is only theirs? Surely there should be provision for each to invite who they wish, hopefully a joint decision. If he doesn't like his future mother in law, can he decline to invite her?
It's a wedding of two people, not one.

It does make sense OP.

But you won't get anything from this thread now.

It's the way AIBU works. Once the tone is set, what people enjoy is contributing their own version of what everyone else has said. It's like a mixure of a bitchfest where everyone wants to feel part of the gang and a self-validation exercise.

I think you should talk in depth to your fiance. I'm reading what you've actually said, rather than what people are enjoying extrapolating. You don't hate or even dislike the brother. You just don't know him at all, and with the only interaction to go on being him calling you fat, well yes, if you're not a particularly confident attention-lover I can well imagine that you wouldn't choose for him to be at a small gathering and it would make you feel self-conscious. I think that's completely understandable.

If your fiance's parents don't expect him to be there then I think that also says a lot about the dynamic. It sounds like they are relaxed about it so you need to speak to your fiance and be completely honest. What works for him which also allows for you feeling comfortable at your own wedding? The answer is not 'suck it up bride'.

If he desperately does want his brother to see him getting married then I think you have to scratch the small intimate wedding if it's going to end up being an event you don't enjoy.

Or, if it's more the case of your fiance feeling worried that his brother will feel snubbed, then see if you can work around that. Maybe do elope! - then have a party later. Or, just parents only and you ask your Nan to sign the register. Then big party for everyone. (Perhaps with bro generously given a small group of plus-1s if he's not in a relationship, so he gets to have his own friends there?)

OR - as said above - can you try and get to know his brother? Also sorry but 22 - he's no stroppy teen. Quite frankly, if he simply does not even acknowledge you then I'd be a bit if he kicked off about not being at the ceremony in those circumstances, but maybe that's another issue...

Perfect opportunity to be the grown up/stick out that olive branch and get to know him.
It wasn’t nice to say that you were fat but he was a child.

This is the kind of choice that haunts you for decades if you chose wrongly. Err on the side of compassion and inclusion.

Agree that you're being U.

Also, you talk about the effort that your sister made with your DP, and that he's ignored you for years.... but he was a child, and you are (or were) the adult here.

Why haven't you made any effort to get to know him? He sounds like a fairly standard teenage boy. They're not the chattiest, but I'm sure you could've found some common ground in 7 years.

If getting married embarasses you so much don't get married.. it's simple really isn't it.

Seriously? It's his brother! Of course he should be invited. Jesus.

If you never get together with family, how do you know his parents so well?

If the fiance's parents don't expect him to come, it's still not a reason not to invite him. You invite him cos it's the done thing and he probably doesn't come because he's like that. Everyone wins. You don't invite him, you risk creating a rift. And then everybody loses.

His brother is close to him though!!

You can't get much closer than your husband's brother.

He's not close though, is he? Come on.

How 'close' and real can a brotherly relationship be if said brother has literally never spoken to his own bro's girlfriend, lately fiancee, except to make a crass comment at age 16, 7 years ago?

People are going on about a comment made 7 years ago, but in the OP it says, 'He's always ignored me", which means the brother has been ignoring her for 7 years. Irrespective of the wedding situation, it's no wonder she feels uncomfortable around him

yes.

If he's always ignored you, then he's disregarded not only you but his bro.

I can well believe that you don't do family gatherings with him.

He certainly doesn't sound like the sort of BIL-to-be who will spend any time as part of your family or be any sort of uncle to your kids. He sounds pretty much a stranger with his own life. That's fine.

Just being related doesn't mean close and brotherly.

So talk to your DF and see whether it really is more about him not wanting to snub his bro, or having a bigger gathering.

As a teenager I never made much effort with my siblings partners, I was either embarrassed/a bit in awe or just stuck up my own arse. As an adult - and especially once we all had our own dcs - we get on much better. But it takes someone to keep the lines of communication open, and generally that's going to be down to the older person.
I'm a bit concerned about your family life in general if you never get together for anything at all though

YABVU - it is your DP's wedding and he wants his brother there. That should be enough of a reason to invite him.

*I am listening, but I suppose the issue is I'm a private person (hence wanting to elope) and will feel really embarrassed being up there with everyone looking at me anyway. I want to get married but I don't want the attention that goes along with it.

Because of that I only want the closest people possible there (parents and Nan) as I would feel uncomfortable with lots of people or people I don't know too well. Complete strangers like the registrar don't bother me, it's people I vaguely know but not close to if that makes sense*

Read that back to yourself. It’s entirely about you, and what you feel and what you want. What about your fiancé?

It always interests me that people here often use being a very private person to exclude anyone who isn't their own flesh & blood. I can just imagine how you're going to be once you have a child - refusing his folks entry until you say so etc.

What on Earth do you think his brother is going to do? He made a stupid remark at 15 - I have sons that age, they do say daft stuff on occasion and can be very antisocial - teenage boys can be weird. He's not going to see you in any compromising situations - just be in the room to see his brother married. He's there to see HIS BROTHER married, it's not just your day.

Are you paranoid he's going to be sitting there secretly smirking and thinking how fat you are based on one remark as a kid 7 years ago?

You're being unreasonable. Your husband to be should be able to chose to have his brother there.
You should have moved on from that comment! It was 7 years ago and he was very young. You generally sound like an anxious person and seem worried about how you look? Is there something going on along those lines?
I feel sad for you that this is so stressful for you.

His parents (usually his dad) come to see us @MadMags usually every month or so

Question: is your fiancè happy with his bit part in your wedding?

When does he visit them?

It always interests me that people here often use being a very private person to exclude anyone who isn't their own flesh & blood.

She isn't, though, is she?

my sister and parents have always made an effort with fiancé and know him quite well and same with me and his parents

Sounds like with the exception of the brother, who basically totally blanks her despite being 22 and not actually a scowly teenager, all the close family have gone out of their way to get to know one another and thus the small intimate wedding would be justthat, with people who all know each other well as well as being the 'immediate family.'

She's not and never has said she would prefer it to just be her family.

She has only said that she isn't comfortable including someone who is basically a complete stranger to her and really sounds quite rude.

Have you made any effort with him though? These things generally work both ways

The brother sounds like a wanker but this

embarrassed all dressed up in my wedding dress and saying vows in front of a stranger really

makes you sound a bit crazy.

My sister told me she didn’t invite me to her wedding because she didn’t want to invite her fiance’s brother. They just had their parents and children at the ceremony and no reception at all. I was fine with that. If they’d invited friends or other relatives, I would have been pissed off.

That 22 year old will eventually turn 30, 40, 50 etc etc. He may marry and have a family. He may become a lovely person that becomes a close part of your family life. His kids will be your kids cousins. He will always be your partners brother. Etc etc.
Dozens of reasons to look to the future and invite him to be (a small) part of it.

Be kind where you can.

I wouldn't be suggesting this by the way if he proved himself to be a proper dick - but a one off crass non joke and a bit of grumpy immature behaviour isn't enough to write your brother in law off.