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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not invite my fiancé's brother to our wedding

137 replies

helennnnn · 22/05/2018 17:46

We are engaged after eight years together and want something very low key. We looked into eloping but those wedding seem more expensive so we have decided on a small registry office wedding followed by something nice after, like dinner at a nice hotel.

We only want to invite a few people - my nan, my parents and his parents. One of my sisters is living in New Zealand so won't make it, and my other sister may get an invite (haven't decided yet).

The issue is my fiancé's brother. In our whole relationship I've barely had a conversation with him as he's always in his room playing xbox or smoking weed. He's always ignored me, apart from one time he made a 'joke' about me calling fat he was only 15 at the time but I really took it to heart,

He is a stranger to me and I would feel awkward having him at our small and intimate wedding (my sister and parents have always made an effort with fiancé and know him quite well and same with me and his parents).

I've told DP I'm not too keen, and doubt his brother would want to come anyway. But he still wants to invite him but probably would keep it to just his parents if I insisted. I would probably have to not invite my sister either though so this would look acceptable. I know I'm probably BU but it would make me feel embarrassed all dressed up in my wedding dress and saying vows in front of a stranger really, who insulted me all those years ago.

OP posts:

MiggeldyHiggins · 22/05/2018 19:20

Hes' not a stranger to his own brother though.

You have a messed up view of family.

lunar1 · 22/05/2018 19:21

The man you are marrying wants to invite his brother. Why is this something he should have to fight for?

BakedBeans47 · 22/05/2018 19:21

Plus he was 15 when he made that comment! Ffs do you hold a grudge or what.

TomPinch · 22/05/2018 19:23

Once again though, the issue is clearly not just the remark. Over a considerable period of time, there has been no relationship.

This is not a big wedding, where it's more natural to invite people because of their family status. This is just a few people. Very uncommon now, but absolutely nothing wrong with it. But as it's a small wedding, all the more important to have only people you actually know and love.

Why does your fiance want him to come?

Amanduh · 22/05/2018 19:23

Yabu and utterly ridiculous

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 22/05/2018 19:25

I didn't invite someone to my wedding. I deeply regret it. And this was because my partner wasn't keen on them. I shouldn't have listened. It can't be taken back.

BakedBeans47 · 22/05/2018 19:26

But as it's a small wedding, all the more important to have only people you actually know and love.

Well, presumably the groom does know and love his own brother, hence wanting to invite him to his own wedding?

KERALA1 · 22/05/2018 19:26

Feeling quite sorry for the fiancé

Justmuddlingalong · 22/05/2018 19:26

But as it's a small wedding, all the more important to have only people you actually know and love.
Perhaps the groom, who is also an important part of the wedding/marriage, knows and loves his brother.

GreenTulips · 22/05/2018 19:30

You don't sound old enough to get married

category12 · 22/05/2018 19:36

Also, if you took his "joke" to heart that way, perhaps that's part of the reason he's never tried to get to know you - you were upset by/took offence to something teenaged him thought was funny (saying you were fat at a size 8-10) and he's never been socially adept enough to get past that with you and that you're still angry about. I think it's time to build a bridge and get over it.

bgmama · 22/05/2018 19:37

If my husband had tried to stop me from inviting my siblings to our wedding, I wouldn't have married him.

FizzyGreenWater · 22/05/2018 19:46

Groan.

Step away from the thread OP.

Talk to your fiance about it all.

FoxySamanthaPetersonTheCat · 22/05/2018 19:50

It was 7 years ago when he was 15 and by your own admission you weren’t even fat. I fail to see the issue. Don’t get me wrong, he’s not someone I’d probably want to spend my time with but your fiancé wants his brother at his wedding. I think whether you have your own siblings at your wedding is up to you but to force your partner to not have his brother there is a really bad idea. You will probably cause some very bad feeling in the fmaily, much worse than the brother joking that you’re fat

Tistheseason17 · 22/05/2018 19:55

YABVU
Perhaps if you made more of an effort with him you'd know him better. Feel for your fiance...

Ethylred · 22/05/2018 19:56

You are being more immature than your future BIL ever was.

ShowMeTheElf · 22/05/2018 21:22

If you have the choice between being right and being kind. Be Kind.
It's his brother. he wants to have his brother there.
You don't even have to look at him if you don't want to.

emmyrose2000 · 23/05/2018 00:01

YABU, and very self centred. It's not just your wedding day, but your fiance's as well. He's allowed to have his own brother there if he wants to.

Frankly, if I was your fiance I wouldn't turn up either. You sound too much like hard work.

BakedBeans47 · 23/05/2018 07:45

Grow up OP

MrsDrSpencerReid · 23/05/2018 08:09

My SIL once called me fat when she was around that age.

Many years later she was my bridesmaid and I’m godmother to one of her children.

Teenagers say crap all the time! Would you really tell your sister she couldn’t come so that you didn’t have to invite someone who made a silly comment 8 years ago?

Nikephorus · 23/05/2018 08:18

How about arranging a meal out in the very near future with the brother there so that the two of you have to interact. If it goes okay then you might feel better about inviting him to the wedding, and if he ignores you then hopefully DP will understand how you feel and you can make a decision together. Better still, DP could have a word with brother before the meal & ask him to make an effort to get to know you - the amount of effort that brother then put in would give both of you a clearer idea.
(And for what it's worth I do understand where you're coming from, even though I think DP's view probably should take precedent if poss)

GunpowderAndLead · 23/05/2018 08:21

I'd be the bigger person. Invite him. He may not come or worst case scenario he comes and mooches at the back with you PIL

QuoadUltra · 23/05/2018 08:23

I don’t think you should be getting married. Sorry, I know that sounds harsh. You sound very immature.

You need proper counselling to be able to see things from others point of view or your marriage is going to be a mess. Your DP wants his brother at his wedding and you think you are being reasonable by saying ‘no’? You are being controlling.

TSSDNCOP · 23/05/2018 08:29

You might, possibly, have got away with it if your fiancé had agreed. But he didn’t.

7 years ago? Channel Elsa OP.

Starlighter · 23/05/2018 08:33

Why don’t you just elope? Just the two of you, no family at all? And then have a small reception celebration when you get back?

I get where you’re coming from OP, but a big part of marriage is dealing with family you don’t like, unfortunately.

If you go for no brother, then it’ll definitely have to be no siblings at all, but be prepared for the fall out...

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