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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not invite my fiancé's brother to our wedding

137 replies

helennnnn · 22/05/2018 17:46

We are engaged after eight years together and want something very low key. We looked into eloping but those wedding seem more expensive so we have decided on a small registry office wedding followed by something nice after, like dinner at a nice hotel.

We only want to invite a few people - my nan, my parents and his parents. One of my sisters is living in New Zealand so won't make it, and my other sister may get an invite (haven't decided yet).

The issue is my fiancé's brother. In our whole relationship I've barely had a conversation with him as he's always in his room playing xbox or smoking weed. He's always ignored me, apart from one time he made a 'joke' about me calling fat Angry he was only 15 at the time but I really took it to heart,

He is a stranger to me and I would feel awkward having him at our small and intimate wedding (my sister and parents have always made an effort with fiancé and know him quite well and same with me and his parents).

I've told DP I'm not too keen, and doubt his brother would want to come anyway. But he still wants to invite him but probably would keep it to just his parents if I insisted. I would probably have to not invite my sister either though so this would look acceptable. I know I'm probably BU but it would make me feel embarrassed all dressed up in my wedding dress and saying vows in front of a stranger really, who insulted me all those years ago.

OP posts:
twattymctwatterson · 23/05/2018 08:42

Op your behaviour is detrimental to your DF's relationship with his family. Is that what you want? Would you be ok with him not having these relationships now he has you?

GnotherGnu · 23/05/2018 08:49

If you are taking this wedding seriously, during the ceremony you will be concentrating on your vows, not on what people in the room might be thinking about you.

You need to think about which bothers you more: that you might feel embarrassed for a few seconds, or that the person you loves goes through a very important ceremony without the people he wants to be there.

kaytee87 · 23/05/2018 08:54

It's your partners wedding too and if he wants to invite his brother you'd be very unreasonable to try to stop him.

You sound either very young or very immature. He made a stupid joke when he was 15 and you're holding it against him.

DioneTheDiabolist · 23/05/2018 09:05

Yes OP, very unreasonable. I can't believe you're holding a grudge because of something that happened 7 years ago.Shock When he was 15.Shock

Dancingmonkey87 · 23/05/2018 09:15

Yabu

3333hh44 · 23/05/2018 09:22

You want your Nan, so she's coming. He wants his db.
His wants should have the same weight attached to them as yours. I can't see how your Nan is more important than his brother.

You also need to forgive his db for a comment made 7 years ago, when he was still a child.

Ruffian · 23/05/2018 09:48

OP doesn't have to forgive him just because he was 'a child' at the time - he was15 ffs! At half that age a child knows it's hurtful to make jokes about someone's appearance.

Plus, apart from the 'joke' he ignores her. He sounds like an arse and I don't blame OP for not wanting him at a small wedding but her oh wants to invite so that's that. Hopefully he won't want to go anyway.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 23/05/2018 09:54

And op is presumably considerably older than 15; yet is acting like a footstamping toddler...

afishnotabird · 23/05/2018 10:16

My DH was a little douche like that when he was 15/16 and his sister never invited him to her wedding because of it. While I see her point, he has never really forgiven her and has little to no relationship with her now.

Motoko · 23/05/2018 11:44

A few things I thought while reading this thread.

OP has said her partner's parents visit OP and her partner, so if they don't visit his parents very often, it's not really surprising that OP doesn't know her partner's brother very well.

Also, a wedding dress, for a registry office wedding where you're going to feel embarrassed at people watching you? A wedding dress seems to be a bit of overkill.

If you were only a size 8-10 when he called you fat, why on earth did you take it to heart? Surely you'd just think "Stoopid teenager" and forget about it? To be still holding a grudge about it 7 years later is such a waste of energy.

Your partner wants to ask his brother, so he should be allowed to, it's his day too. He might not even want to go, so you'll get what you want, yet family harmony won't have been disrupted.

Won't your sisters be hurt if they're not invited? Even if the one in NZ won't be able to make it, she should still be invited.

lollygaggy · 23/05/2018 11:51

If you are going to be as petty as to hold something against someone for 7 years and as selfish as to assume you have more right to decide who comes to the wedding than your dp I would say you aren't ready for marriage.

This would be a huge red flag for me, what childish and controlling behaviour!

If Dh told me I couldn't have my brother there when I'd said I wanted him and for no good reason it all I'd be second guessing the whole relationship!

Heighwayqueen · 23/05/2018 13:59

Your OP and all your updates are all about you.
I don't want him there
I get anxious etc.
I’m sorry OP but it's your fiance's day too. IT’S NOT JUST ABOUT YOU

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