Dd is 15.5, currently very depressed and off school (3 months) with severe social anxiety. At a social anxiety group, organised by her CAMHS team she got friendly with a boy who is 18 and hasn’t been in school for nearly 2 years.
As they are both at home all day they literally message non-stop. They don’t stop for mealtimes, movies, family gatherings etc. They message until 3am or later some nights. I have talked to dd about this so many times and all that happens is her getting incredibly upset.
Early on, he announced to her that he was in love with her but she made it clear to him that she didn’t feel the same way and I don’t think she does fancy him - dd is 5,9 and he is 5,3 and v small for his age. This doesn’t appeal to her she says it makes her feel awkward.
However they are v touchy-feely together, makes dh and I v uncomfortable and he has tried to talk to the boy about it. It’s hard to talk to either of them as they are both so depressed and anxious. Dh and I have vowed never to leave them home alone together nor to allow them to use dd’s room together.
I’ve never read dd’s diary or seen her phone messages but a couple of weeks ago I saw her diary - she’d brought it in to the lounge to show me a picture she’d drawn. As I’m generally extremely worried about her, I read it. There was a lot of v troubling stuff about her depression but also that this boy had asked her to give him a “hand job” and she didn’t “know how to do it.” I came clean and told her I’d read it and that it was not right for him to ask her to do it, especially as they are supposedly just friends. She made some v weird excuses about friends helping each other out 
Anyway lately the boy is trying to persuade dd to go to hs house where they have to be alone in his room as he says the downstairs is messy and chaotic (big family) and they have 2 cats - dd highly allergic to cats.
I have said no. I feel that dd is too naive and too vulnerable at the moment to find herself in a situation with him that she can’t control. He is very clever and she, well, she’s a space cadet really - she listens to him too because he is older. It is causing a lot of stress that I’ve said no and he is messaging her about it a lot. I have said I will talk to them both in person when he comes over on Wednesday. She is dreading it and begging me not to mention the “hand job” part.
I would really like to read her messages from him. I’m so stressed and worried about her that I don’t know if I’m over-reading into this and should give her more freedom. But if he’s manipulating her in some way then I feel I need to know.
Actually I have no idea how to read messages - her phone is locked and she uses so many different apps I wouldn’t know where to start.
I’m sorry this is such an essay but what would you do?
AIBU?
To try to access dd’s phone messages?
CosyLulu · 22/05/2018 06:25
Well done OP. Sounds as if you've made great progress. Everything is small steps and to have had such discussions both with the boy and his Mum sounds very reassuring. Also you've put in boundaries and discussed phone use at night.
Maybe now you've got the information that your daughter is often trying to extend the phone contact at night there's a discussion to be had with her about self care and sleep (carefully disguised of course 
).
I hope that you get some space over the long weekend - you must be under such pressure working full time as well as caring and worrying about your daughter. 
Hi OP have just read yr thread. Sounds like yr handling well. Just an idea re: the dog situ just incase yr not aware but there are certain breeds of dog that don't shed hair (eg bison frise but u have to be strict with in training or they rule the roost so maybe not the best to choose)if thats the issue for yr dd. A dog would be a companion for her something to focus on get out of the house etc.
I really feel for you and hope things improve and you both get the support to help you through this. Sending you a hug and .
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