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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I feel guilty about this or not ?!

128 replies

2furbabies · 22/05/2018 01:36

I'll try to keep this short... ish

Basically Dp and I are splitting we cannot get on and after 2 years of trying for our child it's just not working.
He expects me to do everything around the house and all that bla bla but the main issue was he was always tired or not horny and honestly we only have sex about once a month!! Sorry for the prudes out there but I love sex I'd do it everyday if I could! He wouldn't go near me when I was pregnant and then the traumatic labour meant we went 1.3 years without any sex 😩 and then when we could he's too tired or doesn't want too! Not toting my own horn but I'm an attractive female in her late twenties I know I can get my desires fulfilled lol
Soooo we've been split up a month now and he's in the process of moving out and there's a really cute guy I've known for years who I know for a fact will take me on a date and the rest hopefully ha! But I feel guilty!! There's no chance of getting back with my ex I love him to pieces but it's never going to work no matter how much we both try so why do I feel guilty ?! Am I missing something here because my friends tell me to go for it. It's nothing serious just fun and I'm very much ok with that!
Help?!

OP posts:
Juells · 23/05/2018 16:40

The narcissism on this thread is rank

I don't see it as narcissism, I see it as someone trying to convince themselves that they're OK.

People are forever trotting out the saying "I think the lady doth protest too much", but I think that the OP probably is protesting too much.

Original poster
2furbabies · 23/05/2018 16:45

It will never be dead and buried we have a child together and I will always love him I think the point is I would keep going back but I can't anymore because I don't want my little girl to grow up thinking that's how a man is supposed to treat you. Prior to us breaking up he hadn't attempted to even kiss me for over a month ... now somethings not right there so all of this has pushed me away and I just wanted to let loose. I guess I almost feel like if I shag this other guy then I can't go back again ?! Mental I know! But my ex is the one who keeps breaking up with me! sick of trying and honestly have a good life all the people who have been mean 😂 there's so much more to life than Mumsnet an yeah I have been rude back why shouldn't I 😂 I think what I'll take from this is thanks for highlighting yes I am in a abusive relationship he needs to go! I should definitely shag the other guy but not yet 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
2furbabies · 23/05/2018 16:48

The only thing I'm apologising for is my grammar and spelling! 😂 I am severely dyslexic so apologies again

OP posts:
ichifanny · 23/05/2018 16:49

I’d have dumped him long ago my point was don’t just make the same mistake of picking someone based on how much they have sex with you as when the initial honeymoon period winds down you need to have some sort of relationship left at the end of it . The preoccupation with how you are seen on a mans eyes and how much people want to have sex with you just ends in a shit relationship and you feeling like shit . No one suggested you should stay with someone who makes you feel like that .

SparklyMagpie · 23/05/2018 16:51

Oh no i understand that as i felt exactly the same with my son's dad, and then I watched him move onto his girlfriend and that killed me as my feelings remained,so I understand completely.

I also know that as much as it sounds a great idea,until those feelings are put to bed ( I'll always love my son's dad, he gave me the biggest love I've ever felt when DS came along) that the majority of the time,running to someone else can make those feelings worse

After 4 years of being single, I have a lovely little arrangement with a long time friend 😂 and that made me realise that I'm finally free of all those feelings I once had. So yeah it can be a good idea but not until you're fully ready to move on from the other

If I make sense?

Corkscrewbetty · 23/05/2018 17:00

Don't let ShatnersWig tell you you're showing off! I think it's great that you're attractive and aren't afraid to say it. You go! It's refreshing! I can't believe how much women are capable of bringing one another down. I don't think you should feel guilty about moving on - just be careful it's not rebound. Good luck!

bunce · 23/05/2018 17:09

Good looking now but seemingly a terrible person. Looks are temporary

Nikephorus · 23/05/2018 17:13

Is anyone wondering what's going to happen to the children involved given that the parents' relationship is breaking up & OP is planning on jumping straight into bed with a new bloke?
Wow. Just wow.

Catmum26 · 23/05/2018 17:15

This escalated quickly... jeeeez

Original poster
2furbabies · 23/05/2018 17:20

@bunce please explain how I'm a horrible person ?

OP posts:
Original poster
2furbabies · 23/05/2018 17:21

@Nikephorus really ? My kids are in danger because I want to have sec with someone I've known for 10 years ? I wouldn't have my kids with me thanks that would be very weird Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
2furbabies · 23/05/2018 17:22

@Nikephorus and quite obviously the kids would continue living with me seeing as I've been there mum for years lol

OP posts:
Earthwindnfiya · 23/05/2018 17:27

In my experience, most people who feel the need to constantly boast about tell everyone how attractive they are, aren't actually attractive at all.

Earthwindnfiya · 23/05/2018 17:29

p.s. personality is the most attractive attribute anyone can have. Looks will fade with time, but being a decent person won't.

chinesechicken · 23/05/2018 17:32

It sounds like you're trying to justify sleeping with someone else when you're not actually properly broken up from your Oh, knowing you will patch this up. If you want to cheat just do it but yes you should feel guilty for it. If your Oh is that bad then why do you see the possibility of a future with him and worry about having to own up to it?

rideacockhorse · 23/05/2018 17:40

Meh I don't think the shag will scratch the itch. It will bring up new issues. It could end up a one nighter and you feel rejected again ( plus ruin your friendship)

Personally I often don't kiss my partner for days, but we also have young children and we love each other. It's a long term thing. Why do you need sex to validate the fact that you're attractive?

Ps OP there is no way you'll be able to continue with keeping a OCD house once your little one starts walking and feeding themselves more, snacking etc. Toys and crumbs will multiply. I like a clean house but standards are lower now.

Emmageddon · 23/05/2018 17:45

Give the woman a break folks! She's been dumped by the man she thought she'd be with for life. Don't be so mean. She's slender and gorgeous and he still wants out. No bloody wonder she's seeking positive affirmations from other men.

Juells · 23/05/2018 17:50

Having been in the same situation as the OP, I can positively say that rushing out and having sex did help. I left it a bit too late though, let it go on too long feeling sympathetic towards his 'problem', by the time we split up my self-confidence was completely gone.

OP, do whatever you need to, to feel better about yourself. Sex does help - as long as you don't get pregnant, of course, and as long as you don't get emotionally involved.

crispysausagerolls · 23/05/2018 17:58

OP I had a partner who never wanted to have sex with me and it was humiliating and degrading, he also used to say it was because I didn't wear "nice lingerie" ALL THE TIME. Tried wearing it made no difference. Not an issue with looks or body either, but made me feel horrendous. I definitely would not get back with him unless he agrees to counselling and will be honest and work on the sex side (bothers me that to this day I still don't know WHY ex didn't want to - I assume porn addiction but who knows).

However, you might want to address your tone. I understand what you are trying to say but all of the explanation marks and smileys and attitude are making you come across as quite manic and immature. I think YANBU to want sex but YABU if you don't want until DP has actually left.

Pannacott · 23/05/2018 18:00

Not quite sure why you've been getting a hard time OP. Not quite sure why people think it's wrong for a woman to rate her looks, particularly if that's something she cares about and puts works into. I think a lot of women do care a lot, it's pretty hard to resist that this is one of the main ways that women are valued. I think your crime is maybe talking about it,rather than pretending you don't care.

I was wondering about your ex being gay too.

You know if you're the kind of person who enjoys recreational sex on a casual basis. Go for it if you are! It's not a very popular view on MN, but yes for some women it can be very cheering and a very pleasant, uncomplicated way to pass some time.

OneStepSideways · 23/05/2018 18:07

It sounds like he either has a low sex drive, or doesn't find you sexually attractive. Being a size 10 with good abs doesn't automatically make you sexually desirable (sadly).

As regular sex is important to you and less so to him, I suggest finding a man with a similar sexual appetite to yours. Otherwise you'll be constantly frustrated and he'll feel pressured and resentful.

Juells · 23/05/2018 18:09

I was wondering about your ex being gay too.

I was quite surprised when it turned out that my ex had been having an affair with a woman, I'd really started thinking he was gay. I'd forgotten that possibility until you said it.

Talith · 23/05/2018 18:17

It sounds like the sexual part of your relationship with your partner has run its course. To carry on parenting together you'll need to have affection and respect so don't do anything now which might risk this. Or if you do, keep it very private. Children even small ones pick up on ripples and new people being around. Also after separation things can get acrimonious, suddenly. Don't provide any fuel for the fire. Focus on keeping things settled for kids. I'd say do it, but now and going forward, keep your private life super private. You can do all the things you want, but privately.

I don't see your post as boastful really. You sound like you know your worth and that you see that you can be happier elsewhere. If only more people in crap relationships could know that they'll be happier elsewhere and just go for it.. I know frequently it's to do with having the means to do so. Your other half can find someone better suited to his demanding needs too - perhaps he's not been happy either. I wouldn't like to have someone that picky on my arse all the time either, it would drive me bonkers.

I used a string of casual hook ups to get over a break up of a marriage of 17 years and I don't regret it. A year on I've settled with just one partner but at the time it was exactly what was needed to remind myself I had value and was attractive, and to have a crash course in How To Have Sex (I'd forgotten)... And having pride in how you look isn't a bad thing. I enjoy my body too and have taken satisfaction in the times when I've worked on it.

So I don't think you should feel guilty. Good luck - I think you're going to be fine.

Nikephorus · 23/05/2018 18:20

@Nikephorus and quite obviously the kids would continue living with me seeing as I've been there mum for years lol
And how do you think they'll be feeling right now with their dad moving out? Are you going to be waiting till they're all staying with ex to get this new bloke round or will he be turning up while they're there (even if you don't shag him while they're around or awake)? It's not just about your sex life, it's also about how they're going to cope with all the change in their lives.

Juells · 23/05/2018 18:40

Oh for god's sake, you'd think that nobody ever had a sex life when they had children. People manage perfectly well to keep children and casual sex partners separate.

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