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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Report this man to the police even though I'm partly responsible

168 replies

WhiteLilys · 21/05/2018 12:46

Ok so I know I'm going to be flamed for the part I played in this situation but hear me out first and try to understand my reasoning (I'm a young lone mum with bad anxiety) but admittedly I am absolutely crap at dealing with these sorts of situations and feel out of my depth. The relationship before my last one was extremely abusive and has left me with fractured self-esteem when it comes to being assertive with men I am still quite nervous around them in general.

About 3 weeks ago as I was walking home somebody tried to talk to me as I was passing their flat. I didn't know them and it was a stereotypical youngish cat callar, they asked for my number to which I replied "no sorry got to dash"

Now them flats are on the very end of my road however my road is a main one and continues for around 2ish miles. As I reached my own place about 10 minutes later I noticed he had followed me down on a bicycle, by this point my pram was in my doorway and there was no hiding the fact I live there. I was spooked, again he asked for my number but I had a really bad vibe this time and he was coming across as pushy and a bit intimidating.

I had my young baby with me and just wanted him away from my flat so reluctantly I gave him my number so he would leave. When he later made contact that evening I rejected the call and I sent a text back saying I did not have given my number as I wasn't interested and felt a little bit intimidated being approached for a second time on my own property and didn't feel comfortable enough to assert myself. He replied with a simple ok and then I blocked his number.

Now on my phone you can tell when blocked numbers have tried to contact you as an alert comes up in the call log. Has been repeatedly calling me the whole time although he's calls are automatically rejected. Last week I received a call from a number I didn't recognise and it was him. He asked who he was talking to to which I replied my name and then it became clear who he was. Before I could hang up he said he had been riding past my flat every day and he had seen my ex-partner leaving my flat with our child and that it had in his words pissed him off. I told my son's father all about what had happened and he said I should call the police because it's strange. I didn't do that because I know I would be ridiculed for giving my number in the first place.

I told him he didn't know me and I found his comments to be unnerving so asked him not to contact me anymore and delete my number. Then hung up the phone and added this new number to my block list.

Fast forward to this morning I am speaking to my ex partner in my porch as he brought our son home from taking him out, this guy rides right up to my house before turning and going down a side street on his bike. He then comes back and as he does he's staring at us and deliberately jingles his heavy bike chain as if to be in a threatening manner. XP said enough is enough if you don't call the police I will as he is not happy for this to be going on with our young son in the house.

I'm feeling very nervous as I'm in here alone the majority of the time. Exp lives half an hour away but works a shift pattern that means unless it is his day off he is asleep for most of the day. Am I even entitled to go to the police about this given how I willingly handed over my number the second time? I feel absolutely ridiculous for having given him it but I was so on edge and just wanted him gone. I feel that whatever I would have done at that point the man would have been a nuisance regardless that's what sort of person follow somebody up the road after they decline to give their number. Had he not came onto my property and therefore known where I lived I wouldn't have reacted the way I did. I felt intimidated as per my anxiety which is sky high at the minute regardless.

I definitely need to make sure I stick to my guns in future regardless and I don't blame you for thinking I'm an idiot but please can somebody advise me whether this is something I can actually go to the police about?

OP posts:
UpstartCrow · 27/05/2018 19:34

the advice given by Gavin De Becker is to get a new phone, and let him phone the old one. you don't have to monitor it, but his attempts top contact you will still be recorded.
You can get a cheap phone to use temporarily, then when this is finished you can put a new SIM in your decent phone.

As he has defied the PIN, you can get back to the police and tell them he is stalking you and causing you to live in fear.

DartmoorDoughnut · 27/05/2018 19:42

You’re being really strong OP Flowers

DoYouWantABourbon · 27/05/2018 20:06

I have nothing useful to add, but I just wanted to say how brilliantly you are handling this OP Flowers

WhiteLilys · 27/05/2018 20:09

Thank you for the continued support, I'm still going to change my number although it is a pain in the backside as I have a lot of things linked to this number such as my internet banking, email security and other things. The police did say to me that if you contact me again to let them know straight away the problem is although I suspect it is him calling I can't prove it so not sure what if anything they can do about that but I'll look into the potential of it being traced through my network provider

OP posts:
WhiteLilys · 27/05/2018 20:09

Sorry that was supposed to say if he contacts me again

OP posts:
MipMipMip · 27/05/2018 20:34

It's worth letting the police know. They may be able to something but you won't know until you ask.

PivotPivotPIVOTTT · 27/05/2018 20:45

I hope you're ok, I'm a single parent and have a baby too so can understand how worried you must be. Just a thought, I have a Samsung and messages from blocked numbers go into a separate inbox. Have you checked to see if you can do this on your phone? Might be worthwhile to see if there's any threatening messages in there and you can contact the police again.

snowwhiteandthesevendogs · 27/05/2018 20:50

god keep us updated op. hope you are ok

WhiteLilys · 27/05/2018 22:12

I have a Samsung too and on mine as far as I'm aware there isn't a separate folder for blocked messages they just don't show all which is good in this case

Blocked calls show up in the call log but no messages unless there is a folder hidden somewhere that I don't know how to access and thankful I can't read whatever rubbish the idiot is sending me x

OP posts:
stoicismlight · 27/05/2018 22:37

It makes me so angry that we still have to put up with this shit, in this day and age.
When I was young I thought there would be a day when ‘men’ or pathetic little wankers wouldn’t dare Pull this shit.
Poor you white it is bloody infuriating to read. Walking down a street minding your own business, then this Shock
Keep posting. You’re getting good advice.
Be persistent with the police.
Please don’t you dare tho k of yourself as any kind of a nuisance.
You have done nothing to hurt anyone and are being picked on by a horrible bully.

PivotPivotPIVOTTT · 27/05/2018 22:44

WhiteLilys you actually have to go into a few different setting to access it. I can tell you how to if you wish to know but if you don't want to I completely get that. I was really annoyed when I discovered it as I then kept checking constantly and reading the messages from the person I'd blocked where as I'd have rather just not known. I find it sort of defeated the purpose of blocking them and whenever I saw a rejected call in the call log it put me on edge too.

lhastingsmua · 27/05/2018 22:48

I totally understand how daunting changing your number is, and how it shouldn’t have even come to this. However I did this myself last month and it genuinely wasn’t too annoying. I did it through Vodafone live chat where my number changed instantly and I then changed my number at my bank via the mobile app. Most organisations will allow you to change your number online, and the odd few that won’t will allow you to do so over the phone - my work was the only place I updated it in person. So it will only be like a morning of admin (if that) and you’ll be sorted. If it helps, you can start to make a list of places/people to notify now, so that when you do change it you’ll be able to just tick through your list and you won’t forget anyone

RebootYourEngine · 27/05/2018 22:54

Just saw this.

Keep a log of every call. If a withheld number phones i would answer it and then log if the caller spoke or not.

Look after yourself and if he does anything to make you feel uneasy report it to the police. Do not hesitate. None of this is your fault.

CoraPirbright · 30/05/2018 08:13

Just wondering how you are OP? Has this creep stopped harassing you?

missjsays · 02/06/2018 21:30

How are you, OP? X

rosesandflowers · 03/06/2018 13:43

Report him at once.

You were intimidated into giving the number. Even if you weren't, having willing contact with someone once doesn't give them an excuse to harass you later on.

rosesandflowers · 03/06/2018 13:44

Seems I've come far too late. Oh well - hope you are doing okay OP!

Lizzie48 · 03/06/2018 14:23

Years ago when I was a student, I got chatting with someone on my course. I enjoyed chatting with him; I was booked to go to Africa during the Christmas holidays, and he was African (I don't remember which country he was from), so naturally it was something to talk about.

But then he started to push me into going out with him. I didn't want to as I had no interest in him romantically. He said that I was being racist in turning him down and became quite threatening. This went on for 2 years. I kept on saying no, but I finally said yes just to shut him up. He said to bring a condom with me. Whereupon I backed out of it. At times I was afraid as he was very tall and could be very abusive. But the fear of being accused of being called racist kept me from doing anything about it.

Thankfully, as I was studying French (I was also studying Social Admin, the course he was on) I spent my third year in France. When I went back for my final year he had graduated.

I knew nothing about stalking back then, so I just put up with it and avoided him as far as I could.

We always have the right to say no.

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