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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Report this man to the police even though I'm partly responsible

168 replies

WhiteLilys · 21/05/2018 12:46

Ok so I know I'm going to be flamed for the part I played in this situation but hear me out first and try to understand my reasoning (I'm a young lone mum with bad anxiety) but admittedly I am absolutely crap at dealing with these sorts of situations and feel out of my depth. The relationship before my last one was extremely abusive and has left me with fractured self-esteem when it comes to being assertive with men I am still quite nervous around them in general.

About 3 weeks ago as I was walking home somebody tried to talk to me as I was passing their flat. I didn't know them and it was a stereotypical youngish cat callar, they asked for my number to which I replied "no sorry got to dash"

Now them flats are on the very end of my road however my road is a main one and continues for around 2ish miles. As I reached my own place about 10 minutes later I noticed he had followed me down on a bicycle, by this point my pram was in my doorway and there was no hiding the fact I live there. I was spooked, again he asked for my number but I had a really bad vibe this time and he was coming across as pushy and a bit intimidating.

I had my young baby with me and just wanted him away from my flat so reluctantly I gave him my number so he would leave. When he later made contact that evening I rejected the call and I sent a text back saying I did not have given my number as I wasn't interested and felt a little bit intimidated being approached for a second time on my own property and didn't feel comfortable enough to assert myself. He replied with a simple ok and then I blocked his number.

Now on my phone you can tell when blocked numbers have tried to contact you as an alert comes up in the call log. Has been repeatedly calling me the whole time although he's calls are automatically rejected. Last week I received a call from a number I didn't recognise and it was him. He asked who he was talking to to which I replied my name and then it became clear who he was. Before I could hang up he said he had been riding past my flat every day and he had seen my ex-partner leaving my flat with our child and that it had in his words pissed him off. I told my son's father all about what had happened and he said I should call the police because it's strange. I didn't do that because I know I would be ridiculed for giving my number in the first place.

I told him he didn't know me and I found his comments to be unnerving so asked him not to contact me anymore and delete my number. Then hung up the phone and added this new number to my block list.

Fast forward to this morning I am speaking to my ex partner in my porch as he brought our son home from taking him out, this guy rides right up to my house before turning and going down a side street on his bike. He then comes back and as he does he's staring at us and deliberately jingles his heavy bike chain as if to be in a threatening manner. XP said enough is enough if you don't call the police I will as he is not happy for this to be going on with our young son in the house.

I'm feeling very nervous as I'm in here alone the majority of the time. Exp lives half an hour away but works a shift pattern that means unless it is his day off he is asleep for most of the day. Am I even entitled to go to the police about this given how I willingly handed over my number the second time? I feel absolutely ridiculous for having given him it but I was so on edge and just wanted him gone. I feel that whatever I would have done at that point the man would have been a nuisance regardless that's what sort of person follow somebody up the road after they decline to give their number. Had he not came onto my property and therefore known where I lived I wouldn't have reacted the way I did. I felt intimidated as per my anxiety which is sky high at the minute regardless.

I definitely need to make sure I stick to my guns in future regardless and I don't blame you for thinking I'm an idiot but please can somebody advise me whether this is something I can actually go to the police about?

OP posts:
AskMeHow · 21/05/2018 15:43

Well done. You definitely did the right thing and hopefully a little visit from the police will stop him in his tracks.

If they're coming to see you and make a statement, you know they're taking you seriously. I hope the appointment goes well tomorrow.

Birdsgottafly · 21/05/2018 15:44

You don't need a picture of him, the Police will have identified who he is.

Don't acknowledge his presence, or try to see if he is up to anything.

WhiteLilys · 21/05/2018 15:54

I just hope he takes notice of whatever warning he is given as I will still have to walk past his flat most days and I'm dreading bumping into him, especially as I always have my baby with me. I'm not good with conflict and if he was to try and approach me again or give me grief I would just panic

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 21/05/2018 16:14

Most Tenancy agreements are strict on this sort of thing, he could risk losing his tenancy, if he continues. I doubt that he will.

WhiteLilys · 21/05/2018 16:39

I will update the thread after the police have been tomorrow thanks again all

OP posts:
spookytime · 21/05/2018 16:40

If you have to walk past him, be on your phone.

Quartz2208 · 21/05/2018 16:54

You gave the number because he harrassed and intimidated you and you kust wanted him gone

Go to the police and say everything

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 21/05/2018 16:58

Glad you've spoken to someone and they've taken you seriously - good luck Flowers

Thinkingofausername1 · 21/05/2018 17:07

Please call the police. He is harassing you and you have a baby to think about.

Frenchiemamax · 21/05/2018 17:10

Well done OP you’ve been really brave. Hope the weirdo leaves you alone! X

billyt · 21/05/2018 17:11

thinkingofausername1,

please..RTFT!!!!

ALongHardWinter · 21/05/2018 17:22

Without a doubt OP,go to the police. Just because you gave him your phone number (under duress by the sound of it) it does not give him licence to harass you.

ColdFeetAndHotCakes · 21/05/2018 17:22

Really glad you phoned the police OP. You did the right thing. Nobody has the right to make you feel unsafe and unable to leave your own home.

WhiteLilys · 21/05/2018 21:04

What is the likelihood of me having gone to the police making this worse? Sorry just a bit worried

OP posts:
Shoutylady · 21/05/2018 21:24

If he does anything after being warned you report him to the police and you ask for a restraining order or similar. A guy like this is bound to have history with the police , for a start he sounds like he has nothing better to do all day than cause trouble. Please don’t worry - something like this is too big for you alone. Let them help you.

AviatorShades · 21/05/2018 21:25

Hello again! I've just come in and caught up with what you've been doing today. Honestly, don't think for a moment that by talking to the police you will have made anything worse! but be frank about your concerns to them when they come round tomorrow, won't you? I know with me that when my two officers paid mine a visit they put the fear of God into him when they spelled out exactly what would happen if he harassed me in any way again, like a guaranteed 24hrs in a cell before going in front of a magistrate, for starters..
Ever so pleased that you've a record of all his phone calls as well.
Enjoy the rest of your evening and please,please,please don't worry. You've done exactly the right thing and have the support of the police behind you.
Flowers

Shoutylady · 21/05/2018 21:25

Also (not that you should do this AT ALL) this bloke sounds like all mouth and no trousers, I bet if you answered like “hello big boy how are you” he’d run off scared like a little boy. He knows he intimidates you and he knows you’re scared. He’s a total arsehole.

WhiteLilys · 21/05/2018 22:00

He comes across like a stereotypical chav, tracksuit bottoms and a hoody, getting stoned in the middle of the day, rolling around on a bicycle. My experience of people like that is that they don't usually care too much for the police, my guess would be he is already known to them as you don't go around like he does and not come on to their radar. I'm sure I will feel a lot better once they tell me they have warned him off. Would they be able to tell me whether he is known to them as a dangerous individual or is that confidential?

OP posts:
UpstartCrow · 21/05/2018 22:03

Yes they can warn you if they are concerned, its not a bad thing as it would mean they can also take action sooner.

Usernameunknown2 · 21/05/2018 23:48

You are doing the right thing. This man is harrassing, intimidating and aggressive.

Frenchiemamax · 22/05/2018 15:23

Good luck with the statement OP

CoraPirbright · 22/05/2018 18:06

How did it go with the police OP? Did they say what they were going to do? Will they let you know when they have been to talk to him? Hope you are feeling a bit better having told them everything.

WhiteLilys · 22/05/2018 22:29

Hi all I gave my statement and he is going to be given a pin notice

They said they would let me know when he has received it but I haven't heard from them again today hopefully it will be done tomorrow if it hasn't already

OP posts:
littlem133 · 22/05/2018 22:48

Do NOT let the police give a PIN notice. They're now no longer used in most forces as they're deemed to be completely ineffective & on some occasions can cause the offender to up his game (I don't want to worry you but it's important to know this). They were only supposed to be used after the offender has committed ONE harassing incident and this blokes committed way more thus making it a full blown harassment offence. Please go back to the police and challenge the issuing of a PIN.

NameyMcNamechangeface · 22/05/2018 22:49

Well done white - hope that's the end of it. Flowers

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