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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Report this man to the police even though I'm partly responsible

168 replies

WhiteLilys · 21/05/2018 12:46

Ok so I know I'm going to be flamed for the part I played in this situation but hear me out first and try to understand my reasoning (I'm a young lone mum with bad anxiety) but admittedly I am absolutely crap at dealing with these sorts of situations and feel out of my depth. The relationship before my last one was extremely abusive and has left me with fractured self-esteem when it comes to being assertive with men I am still quite nervous around them in general.

About 3 weeks ago as I was walking home somebody tried to talk to me as I was passing their flat. I didn't know them and it was a stereotypical youngish cat callar, they asked for my number to which I replied "no sorry got to dash"

Now them flats are on the very end of my road however my road is a main one and continues for around 2ish miles. As I reached my own place about 10 minutes later I noticed he had followed me down on a bicycle, by this point my pram was in my doorway and there was no hiding the fact I live there. I was spooked, again he asked for my number but I had a really bad vibe this time and he was coming across as pushy and a bit intimidating.

I had my young baby with me and just wanted him away from my flat so reluctantly I gave him my number so he would leave. When he later made contact that evening I rejected the call and I sent a text back saying I did not have given my number as I wasn't interested and felt a little bit intimidated being approached for a second time on my own property and didn't feel comfortable enough to assert myself. He replied with a simple ok and then I blocked his number.

Now on my phone you can tell when blocked numbers have tried to contact you as an alert comes up in the call log. Has been repeatedly calling me the whole time although he's calls are automatically rejected. Last week I received a call from a number I didn't recognise and it was him. He asked who he was talking to to which I replied my name and then it became clear who he was. Before I could hang up he said he had been riding past my flat every day and he had seen my ex-partner leaving my flat with our child and that it had in his words pissed him off. I told my son's father all about what had happened and he said I should call the police because it's strange. I didn't do that because I know I would be ridiculed for giving my number in the first place.

I told him he didn't know me and I found his comments to be unnerving so asked him not to contact me anymore and delete my number. Then hung up the phone and added this new number to my block list.

Fast forward to this morning I am speaking to my ex partner in my porch as he brought our son home from taking him out, this guy rides right up to my house before turning and going down a side street on his bike. He then comes back and as he does he's staring at us and deliberately jingles his heavy bike chain as if to be in a threatening manner. XP said enough is enough if you don't call the police I will as he is not happy for this to be going on with our young son in the house.

I'm feeling very nervous as I'm in here alone the majority of the time. Exp lives half an hour away but works a shift pattern that means unless it is his day off he is asleep for most of the day. Am I even entitled to go to the police about this given how I willingly handed over my number the second time? I feel absolutely ridiculous for having given him it but I was so on edge and just wanted him gone. I feel that whatever I would have done at that point the man would have been a nuisance regardless that's what sort of person follow somebody up the road after they decline to give their number. Had he not came onto my property and therefore known where I lived I wouldn't have reacted the way I did. I felt intimidated as per my anxiety which is sky high at the minute regardless.

I definitely need to make sure I stick to my guns in future regardless and I don't blame you for thinking I'm an idiot but please can somebody advise me whether this is something I can actually go to the police about?

OP posts:
WhiteLilys · 21/05/2018 13:32

I haven't wanted to go out much since all of this started and that is a pain because I have to pass his place to get to my local shops and the gym, both of which I planned to go to today after my mum comes around

for lunch but I don't even want to go now incase I bump into the nut

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Sparklyshoes16 · 21/05/2018 13:32

As previous posters have said report it to the Police, they take this stuff seriously and will most definitely go round and have a word to leave you alone then if he doesn't they will come down very heavy on him!

I personally wouldn't get my neighbour involved as you don't know underneath if he is a hothead and things could escalate far worse!

If there's anything you do today please report it and keep a log!

Sparklyshoes16 · 21/05/2018 13:35

Frienchiemamax: You felt threatened and that's all you could think of to get yourself out of the situation, there's nothing wrong with what you did. If you were dating him for 2 months it still doesn't give him the right to stalk you and make you feel uncomfortable.

This^^

JoanFrenulum · 21/05/2018 13:45

You didn't bring it on yourself by giving him your number! He's being super awful and unreasonable. Talk to the police.

Shoutylady · 21/05/2018 13:45

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. You gave him your number because you were scared and intimidated. This guy sounds like utter scum. Call the police, just as you would if this guy was someone you’d dated once and wouldn’t stop harassing you. He’s stalking you, plain and simple. What an absolute knob. Hope things get better for you soon

WhiteLilys · 21/05/2018 13:45

I'm going to go to the police station today and make a log definitely

OP posts:
WhiteLilys · 21/05/2018 13:46

I just don't understand why he is behaving the way he is he doesn't know me from Adam we spoke for all of 60 seconds and he doesn't know the first thing about me.

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AviatorShades · 21/05/2018 13:49

Harassment, OP, and it's great that you know where he lives - the police will be able to pay him a visit and tell him not to contact you again.

How do I know? Something very similar happened to me, and t was only because I had a friend visiting who drove me round to the local copshop to make a complaint that actually I did anything about it - bit like you?

Anyway, 2 police officers visited me, asked me if I knew where he lived. I told them. They confirmed to me that they could "get him" under the anti-harassment laws, and left.

Next morning they came back and updated me. They had visited him, told him to never,ever contact me again in any way, and to keep away from my house. And that if he didn't comply, they'd be hauling him off to jail for a night in the cells until his case came before magistrates.

No more trouble, well, except that even now I regularly name change here - just in case.

So, give your copshop a ring and talk to them, eh? Cos you've got a little one it'll probably be better that they come round to talk to you and get your statement - and the sight of a cop car outside yours can't be a bad thingGrin

Atb.

FrustratedTeddyLamp · 21/05/2018 13:49

Call the police, you did nothing wrong and hes harassing you

Shoutylady · 21/05/2018 13:50

Why is he behaving like this? Because he’s a shit. He’s a man therefore every woman he sees owes him something. This has nothing to do with you and I would bet money you’re not the only woman he’s doing this to.

WhiteLilys · 21/05/2018 13:51

checked my call log and had another auto rejected call from him at 12:29 after he had come by the house

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JoanFrenulum · 21/05/2018 13:51

Some men make themselves feel important by intimidating women. Some men think they have a right to any woman they want. He's using you for some kind of satisfaction and it's not your fault and you didn't do anything to deserve it and he's a cock.

Piffle11 · 21/05/2018 13:53

This is absoloutely not your fault. You were massively pressured into giving out your number and clearly doing it was the only way to get him to leave. Don't blame yourself and try the police. Start writing everything down too.

WhiteLilys · 21/05/2018 13:54

I feel so on edge it is ridiculous. I'm going to leave for the police station within the hour once I've got my little one sorted. This probably isn't relevant but he was smoking a cannabis joint when I saw him on his doorstep that day so that might go some way to explaining why he acts so bizarrely not that I'm saying everybody who smokes the stuff is a creep but it could explain why he isn't exactly normal couldn't it?

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Gagastwin · 21/05/2018 14:01

Go asap and tell them. I wouldn't just log it I would be asking for help to get a restraining order.
Would your ex give a witness statement, he had a weapon!? His child also needs protecting.

RitaMills · 21/05/2018 14:04

You poor thing, you’re doing the right thing by going to the police. This isn’t your fault and it’s fucking ridiculous that you’re having to put up with this purely for being female. I hope you get it sorted and you never have to cross paths with this disgusting creature again. Flowers

WhiteLilys · 21/05/2018 14:05

My ex would be happy to give a statement if needs be, I can see that idiot trying to downplay the bike chain lark but he was definitely making subliminal threats. Why would you deliberately jingle a big heavy bike chain while staring at somebody if you wasn't trying to intimidate?

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Semster · 21/05/2018 14:11

I just don't understand why he is behaving the way he is he doesn't know me from Adam we spoke for all of 60 seconds and he doesn't know the first thing about me.

Because he's a twat.

You don't need to understand why he's doing what he's doing but you do need to talk to the police ASAP.

BarbarianMum · 21/05/2018 14:14

Contact the police. If this ever happens again (you feel you can't avoid giving out a number) give a false one. This will work with most men as they won't follow you home. But giving someone your number is only an invitation to call /text you once. Not to stalk/harass someone who's not interested in you.

LoveInTokyo · 21/05/2018 14:16

Definitely report him to the police. This is harassment/stalking. You do not have to put up with it, whether you gave him your number or not.

Mrsemcgregor · 21/05/2018 14:20

You poor thing. Absolutely not your fault at all. I hope the police are helpful Flowers

Shoutylady · 21/05/2018 14:28

Can you call the non emergency number? I did so when my ex was stalking me (driving past my house, sending unwanted messages and calls, pretty much what you have described) and they were so helpful. That way you can get the ball rolling before you go down there

UpstartCrow · 21/05/2018 14:31

@WhiteLilys I hope you are able to feel now that you were pressured and vulnerable, and realise that you are not responsible for his behaviour.

Contact the police straight away, and Paladin, who help people who have a stalker.
paladinservice.co.uk/

WhiteLilys · 21/05/2018 14:35

ok so I have an update. I decided to report it over the phone on 101 instead of going out in person. they were really helpful and have booked an appointment for the police to visit me at home tomorrow at 3 p.m how to make a statement

I have a reference number now and I've been told if there are any further incidents today then to call straight up and they will get somebody out if he is at the house

OP posts:
WhiteLilys · 21/05/2018 14:37

Thank you all so much for the support

I probably wouldn't have done that today and would have carried on looking over my shoulder if I hadn't been given that extra push here. I really hope after taking a statement they are able to go down there and give him a stern warning if nothing else

OP posts: