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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Report this man to the police even though I'm partly responsible

168 replies

WhiteLilys · 21/05/2018 12:46

Ok so I know I'm going to be flamed for the part I played in this situation but hear me out first and try to understand my reasoning (I'm a young lone mum with bad anxiety) but admittedly I am absolutely crap at dealing with these sorts of situations and feel out of my depth. The relationship before my last one was extremely abusive and has left me with fractured self-esteem when it comes to being assertive with men I am still quite nervous around them in general.

About 3 weeks ago as I was walking home somebody tried to talk to me as I was passing their flat. I didn't know them and it was a stereotypical youngish cat callar, they asked for my number to which I replied "no sorry got to dash"

Now them flats are on the very end of my road however my road is a main one and continues for around 2ish miles. As I reached my own place about 10 minutes later I noticed he had followed me down on a bicycle, by this point my pram was in my doorway and there was no hiding the fact I live there. I was spooked, again he asked for my number but I had a really bad vibe this time and he was coming across as pushy and a bit intimidating.

I had my young baby with me and just wanted him away from my flat so reluctantly I gave him my number so he would leave. When he later made contact that evening I rejected the call and I sent a text back saying I did not have given my number as I wasn't interested and felt a little bit intimidated being approached for a second time on my own property and didn't feel comfortable enough to assert myself. He replied with a simple ok and then I blocked his number.

Now on my phone you can tell when blocked numbers have tried to contact you as an alert comes up in the call log. Has been repeatedly calling me the whole time although he's calls are automatically rejected. Last week I received a call from a number I didn't recognise and it was him. He asked who he was talking to to which I replied my name and then it became clear who he was. Before I could hang up he said he had been riding past my flat every day and he had seen my ex-partner leaving my flat with our child and that it had in his words pissed him off. I told my son's father all about what had happened and he said I should call the police because it's strange. I didn't do that because I know I would be ridiculed for giving my number in the first place.

I told him he didn't know me and I found his comments to be unnerving so asked him not to contact me anymore and delete my number. Then hung up the phone and added this new number to my block list.

Fast forward to this morning I am speaking to my ex partner in my porch as he brought our son home from taking him out, this guy rides right up to my house before turning and going down a side street on his bike. He then comes back and as he does he's staring at us and deliberately jingles his heavy bike chain as if to be in a threatening manner. XP said enough is enough if you don't call the police I will as he is not happy for this to be going on with our young son in the house.

I'm feeling very nervous as I'm in here alone the majority of the time. Exp lives half an hour away but works a shift pattern that means unless it is his day off he is asleep for most of the day. Am I even entitled to go to the police about this given how I willingly handed over my number the second time? I feel absolutely ridiculous for having given him it but I was so on edge and just wanted him gone. I feel that whatever I would have done at that point the man would have been a nuisance regardless that's what sort of person follow somebody up the road after they decline to give their number. Had he not came onto my property and therefore known where I lived I wouldn't have reacted the way I did. I felt intimidated as per my anxiety which is sky high at the minute regardless.

I definitely need to make sure I stick to my guns in future regardless and I don't blame you for thinking I'm an idiot but please can somebody advise me whether this is something I can actually go to the police about?

OP posts:
Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername · 21/05/2018 13:06

Agree with above posters...also, please keep proof of the blocked calls and your text. Police are really hot on harassment now

CoraPirbright · 21/05/2018 13:07

Do you know this creep’s address OP? (You said he lived a way up your road and you passed by his house). Just thinking it will make life easier for the police if you can give them this detail (and you really, really should contact them. Please say you will.)

tealady · 21/05/2018 13:07

Stay safe Whitelilys and please call the police. You have done nothing wrong.

KurriKurri · 21/05/2018 13:08

Phone the police, how dare this horrible man make you feel so frightened and anxious. You've done nothing wrong, he's intimidated you from the start.
I'd start carrying an alarm and set it off if he comes anywhere near you (although that may be bad advice and someone can correct me if it is -just feel very angry on your behalf.)

Makes me so mad that a young woman with a baby can't go down the street without some wanker of a man forcing his prescence on her and trying to scare her when she dares to say no.

Good luck - phone the police and hopefully they will put the shits up him.

Kathulu · 21/05/2018 13:09

What an awful position to be in, I would contact your local station as I think you more than enough evidence for harassment or the start of escalating behaviour. On a personal note I would advise against bringing in friends / neighbours as they may become a negative focus for the guy. (Personal experience.)

It isn't your fault and you are entitled to the right to be able to say No.

AskMeHow · 21/05/2018 13:09

CALL THE POLICE!

Stop pussyfooting around and getting your neighbour involved, just deal with it. Your ex is right btw. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your dc.

ErrmWTAF · 21/05/2018 13:15

Don't just hide and hope, OP. Call or visit the police TODAY! If your big softie neighbour is available today, take him with you. But go, no matter what.

If, gods forbid, things escalate with this guy, you will have needed to start the paper trail already. So, consider police involvement a small investment in hassle to avoid bigger hassle down the line. This guy will NOT STOP on his own. Don't wait, don't ignore, just go. Today.

Frenchiemamax · 21/05/2018 13:16

Ah bless you OP, this is absolutely not your fault. Phone the police and also have a word with your neighbour, you may feel safer if you know someone else is aware of this creep xx

DeathByGlamour · 21/05/2018 13:17

Please call the police OP. I'm ex emergency services and can tell you you won't be blamed or be wasting anyone's time.

WhiteLilys · 21/05/2018 13:17

I'm going to report it I just needed somebody to tell me that I'm not going to be laughed out of the station. I really felt as though I had no rights to report him because of the fact I handed over my number.

Ironically I live directly opposite an old police station which is clear as day to him although it is no longer actively used on a regular basis so I'm not quite sure what purpose it serves now. Every so often you will see somebody go in but I haven't seen any uniformed police occupying the station so I'm guessing it might just be used for meetings etc.

OP posts:
Goldmonday · 21/05/2018 13:18

Phone the police!!!!! In the mean time have a chat with your neighbours and let them know of the situation so they can keep an eye out for you and also know to step in if necessary.

NameyMcNamechangeface · 21/05/2018 13:19

Of course tell the police - he is stalking and harassing you!

I mean this in the kindest possible way, I really do, but you need to do some serious work on your boundaries and self esteem. Would you be able to do the freedom course? It's worrying that you feel as though you are (or people would think that you are) responsible for this man harassing you. No you 'shouldn't' have given him your number, because ideally you would have the confidence and assurance to have ignored/rebuffed him in the first place, and not given in to the pressure he was putting on you - but I mean ideally for your safety and wellbeing, that doesn't mean that you are in any way at fault for his predatory and harassing behaviour.

Ginkypig · 21/05/2018 13:21

Ok change this slightly if say you had given him your number and gone on one date then decided actually I didn't feel that spark so thanks for a lovely evening but I don't want to see you again.
You would rightly think that's the end of it and if he'd then done everything you had written would you think it's normal and it's your fault? no you wouldn't, you'd report him for stalking!

So why the hell would giving your number then make this your fault?

Call he police or actually last time I needed to talk to them I went in and found it much more helpful because face to face it was easier to explain everything and help the officer to see the tone of things I was describing.

Can I suggest as well given your history doing the freedom programme, women's aid can help you access it. It will help you with that overwhelming paralysing fear when something happens that you don't like but you physically can't say no or put your rights first incase the worst happens.

Hygge · 21/05/2018 13:21

Yes, call the police.

They will believe you and they will be sympathetic to why you gave him your number.

They will believe that you felt intimidated into doing something you didn't want to do, and they will understand you are and were in a vulnerable position.

It's possible you're not the first woman he's done this to. They may already be aware of him in connection to harassing other women.

One of the things they might do is issue a PIN, also known as an Early Harassment Order to warn him off.

Speak to everyone you can, friends, neighbours, relatives, to let them know what's going on. The more people who understand now and can react quickly if he does anything further is good. They can keep an eye out for him hanging around and can let you know or call the police to report him.

I'm sorry he's doing this to you. It's not your fault.

Dieu · 21/05/2018 13:21

You have done nothing wrong at all Flowers
I have made some seriously questionable judgements when feeling on the spot or pressured Grin
He sounds like a creep, and you are well within your rights to report him.
I hope you're ok, and that it soon gets sorted. Poor you.

Emma198 · 21/05/2018 13:21

Even if you hadn't given your number sounds like he'd still be hanging around. You've done nothing wrong. What a creep.

Goldmonday · 21/05/2018 13:22

You are not going to be laughed at. He sounds unhinged and the police will want to know.

Angie169 · 21/05/2018 13:22

You need to tell the police today , I would change my phone number too .
Also is your house rented ? get in touch with your land lord and explain that you feel frightened in your own home see if they are willing to add extra security measures ( chain on door , better door if you need it , locks on windows , ) can you install cctv ?
I know you do not want to become a prisoner in your own home so how about some self defence classes , hopefully you will never need it but it should help with your general self confidence too .

Jaxhog · 21/05/2018 13:24

Call the police! This sounds like major harassment, and DEFINITELY not your fault in any way.

Wow, that would completely freak me out.

Graphista · 21/05/2018 13:27

You've done nothing wrong. Call the police they will deal with him.

This is harassment bordering I think on stalking/threatening behaviour.

You deserve to feel safe in your own home.

You could also get a restraining order.

Please DON'T give a false number because numbers are recycled and they could end up belonging to someone even more vulnerable. Just don't give your number out.

dustyparadeground · 21/05/2018 13:29

Go to the nearest police station and report him. Give them the 2 phone numbers he has called from. Unless he's a serious headcase a phone call from the police should be enough to deter him

Dobbythesockelf · 21/05/2018 13:29

It doesn't matter whether you gave him your number or not. You told him you weren't interested, you blocked his calls etc. You made it very clear your answer was no. He is harassing you. The police will take this seriously. Take care of yourself. Talk to the police. Keep a log of calls, sightings etc. Stay safe.

WhiteLilys · 21/05/2018 13:29

I appreciate the comments about needing to work on my self esteem I absolutely accept that and I know how much of a big issue this is for me. I have done the Freedom Programme online but granted you don't get all the benefits from that that you would in the group setting.

The reason I felt that I was partly to blame for this was because some may say I lead him on by giving the number in the first place, if I hadn't given the number then he couldn't have call but it was pretty obvious he was going to be a nuisance regardless loitering near the house etc.

I do know exactly where he lives so I'll pass that address onto the police. He was stood on his doorstep smoking when I passed and I know exactly what number it is.

OP posts:
SaltyPeanut · 21/05/2018 13:30

Let's put it this way, if you saw someone on a TV show behaving the way he has, you would be shouting at the screen for the woman to call the police.

You have done nothing wrong. Please don't doubt your instincts. His behaviour sounds seriously weird, if not downright stalkerish.

Please, I beg you, phone or visit the police.

Frenchiemamax · 21/05/2018 13:30

You felt threatened and that's all you could think of to get yourself out of the situation, there's nothing wrong with what you did. If you were dating him for 2 months it still doesn't give him the right to stalk you and make you feel uncomfortable.