Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Report this man to the police even though I'm partly responsible

168 replies

WhiteLilys · 21/05/2018 12:46

Ok so I know I'm going to be flamed for the part I played in this situation but hear me out first and try to understand my reasoning (I'm a young lone mum with bad anxiety) but admittedly I am absolutely crap at dealing with these sorts of situations and feel out of my depth. The relationship before my last one was extremely abusive and has left me with fractured self-esteem when it comes to being assertive with men I am still quite nervous around them in general.

About 3 weeks ago as I was walking home somebody tried to talk to me as I was passing their flat. I didn't know them and it was a stereotypical youngish cat callar, they asked for my number to which I replied "no sorry got to dash"

Now them flats are on the very end of my road however my road is a main one and continues for around 2ish miles. As I reached my own place about 10 minutes later I noticed he had followed me down on a bicycle, by this point my pram was in my doorway and there was no hiding the fact I live there. I was spooked, again he asked for my number but I had a really bad vibe this time and he was coming across as pushy and a bit intimidating.

I had my young baby with me and just wanted him away from my flat so reluctantly I gave him my number so he would leave. When he later made contact that evening I rejected the call and I sent a text back saying I did not have given my number as I wasn't interested and felt a little bit intimidated being approached for a second time on my own property and didn't feel comfortable enough to assert myself. He replied with a simple ok and then I blocked his number.

Now on my phone you can tell when blocked numbers have tried to contact you as an alert comes up in the call log. Has been repeatedly calling me the whole time although he's calls are automatically rejected. Last week I received a call from a number I didn't recognise and it was him. He asked who he was talking to to which I replied my name and then it became clear who he was. Before I could hang up he said he had been riding past my flat every day and he had seen my ex-partner leaving my flat with our child and that it had in his words pissed him off. I told my son's father all about what had happened and he said I should call the police because it's strange. I didn't do that because I know I would be ridiculed for giving my number in the first place.

I told him he didn't know me and I found his comments to be unnerving so asked him not to contact me anymore and delete my number. Then hung up the phone and added this new number to my block list.

Fast forward to this morning I am speaking to my ex partner in my porch as he brought our son home from taking him out, this guy rides right up to my house before turning and going down a side street on his bike. He then comes back and as he does he's staring at us and deliberately jingles his heavy bike chain as if to be in a threatening manner. XP said enough is enough if you don't call the police I will as he is not happy for this to be going on with our young son in the house.

I'm feeling very nervous as I'm in here alone the majority of the time. Exp lives half an hour away but works a shift pattern that means unless it is his day off he is asleep for most of the day. Am I even entitled to go to the police about this given how I willingly handed over my number the second time? I feel absolutely ridiculous for having given him it but I was so on edge and just wanted him gone. I feel that whatever I would have done at that point the man would have been a nuisance regardless that's what sort of person follow somebody up the road after they decline to give their number. Had he not came onto my property and therefore known where I lived I wouldn't have reacted the way I did. I felt intimidated as per my anxiety which is sky high at the minute regardless.

I definitely need to make sure I stick to my guns in future regardless and I don't blame you for thinking I'm an idiot but please can somebody advise me whether this is something I can actually go to the police about?

OP posts:
Florene · 22/05/2018 22:54

I agree with littlem133 - we don't use PIN notices in my force because they are ineffective, and it diminishes the seriousness of the stalking/harassment offence.

Call 101 and say that after reading up on it, you don't feel a PIN is appropriate, and you want him dealing with for the offence of stalking.

It may well get downgraded to harassment at a future point, but I always start as high as I can with the offence, knowing that CPS will try knock it down.

WhiteLilys · 23/05/2018 00:35

Didn't realise that I could challenge their decision to give a pin notice, to be honest they didn't seem very concerned at all

OP posts:
Florene · 23/05/2018 00:40

You can and you can't - ultimately it is up to the police and in some cases CPS what happens, but you can certainly assert your opinion. I would call now before they issue the PIN.

MumofBoysx2 · 23/05/2018 00:47

Well of course you could have given him a false number but he probably would have been on your doorstep just the same as you ignoring him, so I don't think the phone number thing is the issue. It's simple harassment. Just tell him loudly and clearly that you have called the police (and do that, to log the complaint), and that you will do so again if he won't leave you alone. Maybe if you had a burly neighbour or friend with you it might help when you say it?

BackToTheFuschia7 · 23/05/2018 00:54

Sorry you’ve had such a scary time OP. It’s not your fault.

I take on board the concern that other posters have about PINs but just to let you know, it was very effective for me in a horrible situation. So it can work, and does stop some offenders in their tracks.

WhiteLilys · 23/05/2018 00:59

Really unsure what to do now as to whether I try to argue the pin notice or just hope he is deterred by being given that.

There's no way of me telling how he will respond to the notice unless he tries to contact me again

OP posts:
BackToTheFuschia7 · 23/05/2018 01:08

If he continues, the option is still there for it to be dealt with as a criminal offence.

With the PIN, you also don’t have to go to court to give evidence or anything like that.

Does he know your surname? If not, I would ask that you are referred to as ‘the female from number X’ rather than your full name on the PIN.

lhastingsmua · 23/05/2018 01:12

So sorry that you’re dealing with this and that he knows where you live. I’m annoyed that the police did not take this seriously - is it possible for you to ask for another officer? I am very surprised that they weren’t. concerned that he keeps coming to your house, especially as he has made it clear that he is interested in something beyond friends

In the meantime, can you change your number? I know that this is a massive inconvenience for you, but it cuts that avenue of contact off as he clearly won’t stop - it’s almost like a game to him. Your phone provider might do this for free if you tell them that you’re being harrassed, and a lot of companies allow you to change your number online so hopefully the admin wouldn’t be too tedious.

Some men have weird social skills and probably don’t get much female interaction and turn into the type of person that harrasses women with a lack of boundaries. It’s disgusting but it’s absolutely not your fault. I think every woman can relate with a man pestering them for their number to the extent that you feel forced to give them it to leave you alone

Long term, could you get outdoor cctv? Do you rent or own your house - if privately renting is moving at all a possibility? (Not that you should have to). Do tell your neighbours that you get on with your situation so that you’re not alone.

BlankTimes · 23/05/2018 01:12

Well of course you could have given him a false number
How? When he accosted her at her front door and demanded her number, he held his phone and told her to ring it from hers there and then.
see page 1, OP's third post
"Thank you. I was worried people would say I have brought this on myself. I'm quite scared if I'm honest as the way he has behaved is indicative of somebody who is not quite right. I could not have given him a false number because he said here ring my number so I have yours so I couldn't have gotten around it any other way ."

lhastingsmua · 23/05/2018 01:17

Is it possible for the police to ring him and tell him to leave you alone as you have specified that you don’t want any contact or see him at your house? It could help.

Tbh I think he’s taking advantage of the fact that you find him intimidating, hence messaging/calling him after your initial text, coming back to your house and being a twat with the bike chain

lhastingsmua · 23/05/2018 01:19

Also has he attempted to add you on social media or have you had any strange accounts trying to add/follow you?

WhiteLilys · 23/05/2018 01:21

I'm going to change my number for sure and the police advised me to do that too. I live in a rented property and I'm really happy here aside this twat down the road :( I didn't think to ask whether they would give him my full name when they give the notice but I hope not it never actually occurred that I could be put further at risk ie them disclosing my full name I would like to hope they wouldn't do something like that given the situation.

I had to pass his flat to times today and it was bloody nerve-wracking :(

OP posts:
WhiteLilys · 23/05/2018 01:22

I think the police were planning on going round there as opposed to ringing him which could be a good or bad thing depending on if they give my full name or not. I have not had any strange ads on social media as of yet and wouldn't accept them if I did as I am stringent about only accepting people I know personally

OP posts:
WhiteLilys · 23/05/2018 01:24

Please excuse any bad grammar I am using a speech to text input as I have an issue with my touch screen I am usually quite literate Blush

OP posts:
lhastingsmua · 23/05/2018 01:35

Okay that’s good. Changing your number isn’t too tedious, I did this recently and it changed within minutes so no faffing around waiting for a new SIM card or anything. It’s instant, and then you’ll be free of his incandescent calls. I think the fact that your phone shows you when blocked numbers contact you is making this worse because you ‘feel’ stalked Sad

Great - hopefully he has no idea about your SM. But just in case, be careful with social media platforms that have your number eg snapchat as people might be able to find your accounts through your mobile number.

Ring the police or your assigned officer as soon as you can just to clarify the details and give you a bit better peace of mind. Smile Definitely share your concerns about telling him your name, or about the pin notice.

Again so sorry that you’re going through thisFlowers regarding moving, I know you love your place, see how he behaves after the police visit him and play it by ear. Hopefully it won’t ever come down to you having to move to get away from him but do consider it as an absolute last resort if he doesn’t stop

WhiteLilys · 23/05/2018 10:50

thank you very much for the support x

OP posts:
RandomWordsStuckTogether · 23/05/2018 14:59

No no no. Not a PIN notice. They're useless and they don't protect you. It's nothing more than a slap on the wrist.

This man has ALREADY committed an offence of stalking, for which he can be arrested and convicted. The police should be arresting and charging him now. The crime has already happened.

I would really urge you again to check out www.paladinservice.co.uk.

littlem133 · 23/05/2018 16:00

I agree-look at the palladin website or contact them for advise and support

FloorLamp · 23/05/2018 16:16

Might be worth mentioning the situation to your neighbours.. Especially the big guy. So they can keep an eye out for you and they can also be witnesses if he continues to hang around (hopefully not)

Lizzie48 · 23/05/2018 17:30

You are in no way responsible for this man's actions, @WhiteLilys it's all down to him. You had no choice but to give him your number in the circumstances you describe, he intimidated you into doing that. Your priority was obviously to keep your baby safe.

Well done for reporting it to the Police.

CoraPirbright · 25/05/2018 10:06

Just wondering how you are OP? Do you know if the police have warned this creep off?

Eatalot · 25/05/2018 10:15

No you are not to blame in any way and tou were not asking for it. People get stalked and harrassed by ex parters and they willing dated/had sex with them at some point. Nothing gives someone the right. Go to the police.

WhiteLilys · 27/05/2018 19:19

Hi there

He has been given the pin, no further calls from his number but 4 on withheld yesterday. I can't prove its him even though I strongly suspect the fact.

Silence when I answer

OP posts:
lhastingsmua · 27/05/2018 19:30

Hmm, I’m sure the police/your network provider can trace witheld numbers if neccessary. Definitely mention this to your officer

Again change your number asap. Sometimes ignorance is bliss - if i was in your situation i’d rather not monitor how many times he attempts to contact me as it would freak me out

lhastingsmua · 27/05/2018 19:31

Also depending on the phone you have, you might be able to stop witheld numbers from calling you. You might need an app