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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend can't accept that my DCs are doing their own thing at their age and don't always want to socialise with me and DH!

55 replies

BigSandyBalls2015 · 21/05/2018 11:44

We've all known each other for years and used to do things with the kids - days out, meals round each other's houses etc.

Kids are now mid/late teens and mine don't always want to join us when we've said we're meeting up with these friends.

Sat was a prime example - one of mine was out with her boyfriend, the other had gone to a mate's who she hadn't seen for weeks due to diff part time working shifts etc.

I think this is normal, they're growing up and leading their own lives - friend thinks it's weird and they were rude not to come with us. They would have happily joined us if they were at home and nothing else was going on.

Friend said 'just bloody make them' - really! At that age!

OP posts:
Roomba · 21/05/2018 11:45

YANBU.

echt · 21/05/2018 11:47

Where were your judgy friends' children?

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 21/05/2018 11:47

Weird. Why does your friend need your teenagers to be present?

krustykittens · 21/05/2018 11:47

I agree. They are not children anymore, they are young adults, building their own lives. Just because they are your children, doesn't make them an extension of you! Your friends are going to have great fun with their teens if this is how they are going to treat them. Why do they care so much anyway?

Opheliah · 21/05/2018 11:47

Were your friends children there?

desertmum · 21/05/2018 11:48

It depends on context really, If they have invited you all to an event/their house/to dinner whatever and your kids have said they will go, then pull out because something else comes up it is rude.

But if they were invited and said sorry no, I have other plans, then that is OK.

TriSqu · 21/05/2018 11:49

Was it just your friend visiting, or did friend bring her children? Perhaps expecting her kids to have your kids for company? If not, then she's weird. She's there to see you surely, not expect a state visit.

Original poster
BigSandyBalls2015 · 21/05/2018 11:51

Their DC was there, on her own and I think that's what made friend a bit cross about it all. But my two aren't responsible for him! They're not 8 years old anymore.

To be honest it's always been a friendship that prob wouldn't have developed between the kids naturally - they saw each other because of us. They've never met up separately.

She just makes me doubt myself, god knows why. No-one else seems to Grin.

OP posts:
Original poster
BigSandyBalls2015 · 21/05/2018 11:52

I've always replied to invites saying DH and I would be there, kids will join if poss but no idea what their plans are at the mo .... so it's left like that.

OP posts:
Jaynesworld · 21/05/2018 11:53

I think it depends on the circumstances.

If she had invited you all and you said yeah we will come and didnt inform her they wouldnt be coming, you would have been rude imho.

Trinity66 · 21/05/2018 11:53

YANBU at all

TriSqu · 21/05/2018 11:58

If you knew she was bringing her child then it is rude not to let her know beforehand that your children wouldn't be there.

It's like like for like - if it was just the mums meeting up then it's just the mums friendship. But if it's family meeting family then either make it your family or give her a heads up that it's just you/partner.
It changes the dynamics and neither is wrong but it is polite to let her know beforehand. Perhaps her son would have wanted to do something else but president set meant he 'had' to come?

TriSqu · 21/05/2018 11:59

Just seen your update - yanbu!

You let her know you'd be there but couldn't guarantee your children. Fair enough.

Yanbu :)

HouseworkIsASin10 · 21/05/2018 12:01

So she just wanted your kids to entertain hers?

gamerchick · 21/05/2018 12:04

They want your kids to entertain theirs?

Tell her that the kids are growing up and don't want to come with their parents and it's unlikely they'll be coming in the future. Then suggest adult only activities so their kid doesn't have to do the hell of adults only company.

user1499173618 · 21/05/2018 12:06

YANBU. Once DC are of an age to develop their own social life, without parents, they need to do so and not feel remotely constrained to carry on socialising with their parents. Your friend has got this all wrong!

pumpkinpie01 · 21/05/2018 12:09

Why would you make your teenage kids go somewhere they didnt want to go ! They would just sit there in a mood or actually refuse point blank to go ! It says a lot when they have not met up with the other child ever apart from at joint social events. Is her child a few years younger and has not quite reached the same stage as yours yet ?

Sparklingbrook · 21/05/2018 12:11

I experience this a bit. DS1 is now at Uni so he's exempt from it all. 16 year old DS has a cracking social life and GCSEs so I don't pressure him to do anything he doesn't want to.

I never make mine do anything when it comes to going out with us. My parents thankfully did the same for me. I saw very little of the house as a teenager.

Yogagirl123 · 21/05/2018 12:12

I completely understand OP, mine are now 15 and nearly 17, no way could I make arrangements for them, and trying to force them to come with us?

Why would we want do that when you know they will be grumpy, and no doubt show us up 😂 because they don’t want to be there!

And as you say they often have there own arrangements, and that should be respected.

YANBU.

BertrandRussell · 21/05/2018 12:15

It depends I expect mine to honour invitations that that have accepted- but I wouldn't accept on their behalf without discussing with them.

BlueBug45 · 21/05/2018 12:18

@BigSandyBalls2015 your friend is weird.

If your sets of children got on well then they would be there and would meet up with each other without either of you being involved. The fact they don't, means as older teenagers/young adults if they have other things planned they aren't available.

Eastcoastmost · 21/05/2018 12:22

There was a very similar thread recently.

Ariesgirl1988 · 21/05/2018 12:23

I think you're friend needs to button her mouth and mind her own business! you already said the kids might not come she's a cheeky fucker and I would have told her straight up to mind her own business about how you let your kids live their own lives and if she finds that rude then that's on her.

karyatide · 21/05/2018 12:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Babyroobs · 21/05/2018 12:25

I have a friend who won't even leave her 17 and 15 year old kids alone while they go out for an evening, they have to go to a relative almost to be baby sat which I find odd. My 17 year old is out with his friends alone quite some distance with friends and makes his own way home etc and is very independent. I think it's just about different parenting and some parents allowing their kids to be more independent. I went to a friends party at the weekend and my 13 years old d didn't want to come and I was fine with that, she stayed home with her elder brother.