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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend can't accept that my DCs are doing their own thing at their age and don't always want to socialise with me and DH!

55 replies

BigSandyBalls2015 · 21/05/2018 11:44

We've all known each other for years and used to do things with the kids - days out, meals round each other's houses etc.

Kids are now mid/late teens and mine don't always want to join us when we've said we're meeting up with these friends.

Sat was a prime example - one of mine was out with her boyfriend, the other had gone to a mate's who she hadn't seen for weeks due to diff part time working shifts etc.

I think this is normal, they're growing up and leading their own lives - friend thinks it's weird and they were rude not to come with us. They would have happily joined us if they were at home and nothing else was going on.

Friend said 'just bloody make them' - really! At that age!

OP posts:
SendintheArdwolves · 21/05/2018 12:31

I'm guessing that this is more about her parenting than yours:

  • Maybe she puts her child on a three-line whip to attend and says stuff like "this is what families do" or "you have to be there". Then feels narked when you blithely say that your kids get to make their own decisions about their social life because she knows her own child will kick off.
  • Maybe her child struggles a bit socially, and looks forward to your kids being there. She knows her child will be disappointed and so takes it out on you.
  • She feels socially awkward and so wants to create a big "family occasion" with lots of noise and people because that is (weirdly) less pressure on her.
  • She is dreading the idea of her child growing up and becoming independent, so is trying to insist on a tighter family dynamic which makes it harder for the child to leave.

..whatever it is, it's not something you should worry about, OP. You are doing exactly the right thing - and conversely, I expect you'll actually see more of your kids as they grow up because they don't feel like there company is expected or demanded.

LionAllMessy · 21/05/2018 12:34

It's just a family decision that differs for different people. Your stance is definitely normal, though. I would've hated if my parents had made me go out with them and their friends when I was a teenager.

HoppingPavlova · 21/05/2018 12:41

My teens never go with us anymore when we go out, unless we are going to the shops and they want to take the opportunity to look at things/buy something. I think it’s normal.

As long as you tell the other person up front or before they would have realistically shopped for numbers I don’t see a problem whatsoever. As for ‘making them’? All that would happen is they would sit there for the entire visit cracking the shits making it well known they are unhappy, who wants that.

Original poster
BigSandyBalls2015 · 21/05/2018 12:41

Thanks all, there's something about my relationship with her that has me questioning things - this doesn't happen with other friends, it's very odd. I suppose most of my friends are very laid back and she really isn't.

DD said this morning that she believes this friend thinks our family dynamic is odd and as a result we're not very close! Because we don't live in each other's pockets.

Sendin - 2 and 4 of your list are prob quite accurate, which is a shame, but it's not down to my DCs to sort that out, as you say.

OP posts:
BadTasteFlump · 21/05/2018 12:43

YANBU. I've had similar issues with family members, due to my DC being the oldest of all the 'children' in the wider family - I still get pushed for mine to join in with sleepovers, etc, even though mine are (almost) all teens and my eldest is an adult with a full time job and his own life! So would I like to have a load of their cousins (all under 10) over for a sleepover at mine - um - no thanks!

girlywhirly · 21/05/2018 12:48

YANBU, and neither are your DC.

I had to suffer quite a few visits to my parents friends,(we always had to go to them as they didn’t drive) and I hated it. I had nothing in common with friend’s DD’s, and they would sometimes stay for a while and then go out so I was stuck with the four adults. I must have been around 12 and their DD’S were 13 and 15. I was so happy when they moved house to somewhere too far away to visit for a Sunday afternoon/early evening.

I agree that when DC are in mid to late teens, they shouldn’t have to do enforced socialising. If the two sets of DC have always chosen to socialise together apart from their parents, it’s a different situation, but it clearly isn’t in this case.

Moltenpink · 21/05/2018 12:52

I’m a bit on the fence! I think when the invitation came, you should have asked them then and given a definite yes or no from the start. It does sound a little like they would go if they had no better offers, which comes across a little rude.

Mousefunky · 21/05/2018 12:53

YANBU.

My DM often dragged me along to social events I did not want to go to as a teenager. One was a trip with her best friend and best friend’s daughter of a similar age to Butlins. I was 14 and thought the whole thing was absolutely humiliating. My DM wanted me to enjoy watching Barry from eastenders performing on stage and I was sitting there as a teenage goth clearly not impressed. She also made me go to her best friend’s wedding which involved an over night stay. I was 15 and spent the entirety of the reception in the hotel room. I was deemed rude but I didn’t fit in with anyone and I definitely 100% did not want to be there.

Teenagers should be allowed to lead their own lives to some extent and shouldn’t be forced to drag themselves through awkward social events with their parents.

MinaPaws · 21/05/2018 12:53

YANBU, but I think it would be polite in future, when you get an invitation for the whole family, to ask DC if they want to come and make them decide before you reply. To say, 'We'll come but don't know what DC are up to' isn't teaching your DC good social skills. It's fine to say they're not free but not OK to imply they'll mooch along if nothing better turns up. They need to say yes or no, just like you do, and then stick to that decision.

knockknockknock · 21/05/2018 12:56

I think it's polite to let them know in advance if your children are going as much notice as possible so their child can plan something's else if they need to.

DuchyDuke · 21/05/2018 12:57

Kids should understand familial responsibilites too.

fannyanddick · 21/05/2018 12:57

I think yw a bit unreasonable. You should have decided whether the kids were coming when you rsvp'd to give them the chance to say no or to organise something else for their child and just come themselves too.

CheeseAndTomSandwich · 21/05/2018 12:58

YANBU. To be honest when I meet up with my friend and have to take my kids I dislike it a lot because I'd rather just have her to myself!!!

PattiStanger · 21/05/2018 13:00

I disagree Minapaws, I wouldn't expect my teenagers to commit to something rigidly some time in advance, they won't know their work shifts, their sporting commitments, whether they might have extra homework or revision or a one off thing to do with their friends.

In my eyes all those are more important than tagging along to something I'm doing.

And although I shouldn't have to qualify that it obviously doesnt apply to weddings, funerals, tea with the queen etc

Mumto2two · 21/05/2018 13:01

Not unreasonable at all. My teenage dd has always had a full social agenda of her own, and it definitely doesn’t revolve around ours!

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 21/05/2018 13:04

I got the same impression as @Moltenpink

I don't think teens should be accompanying parents after a certain age but I still think you need to be clear with the host. A yes or a no at the start of this, one which encourages no further comment or questioning from the host, is best.

SendintheArdwolves · 21/05/2018 13:07

Kids should understand familial responsibilities too

Even if I agreed with that statement (I'm not sure I do) then i don't think that being forced to spend an afternoon entertaining the offspring of your parent's friend really counts as a "familial responsibility", does it?

GlueSticks · 21/05/2018 13:09

I wouldn't expect my teenagers to commit to something rigidly some time in advance, they won't know their work shifts, their sporting commitments, whether they might have extra homework or revision or a one off thing to do with their friends.

Then they say "sorry but I can't make it". Saying "maybe I will but maybe I won't" is bloody rude regardless of age, who the invitation comes from or what the invitation is for.

WingsofNylon · 21/05/2018 13:13

If the invite was for the whole family then you should have confirmed thier non-attendance if they already had firm other plans. I do think it is massively rude to say they would come only if they didn't have something better come along.

I'd be disappointed to think people might show up then not. I imagine it was hurtful for their dc.

user1487194234 · 21/05/2018 13:16

Have several family friends with DC . I think until they are say 14 it is assumed they will come and after they leave school it is assumed they will not

In between it depends I,always have a conversation with pal along the lines of x wont be in as he is at a party,y is playing footie but will be back later and z will be there. And vice versa

amusedbush · 21/05/2018 13:17

There was a very similar thread recently.

I was just thinking this. There was an identical thread recently, right down to the friend's child needing to be entertained.

BarbarianMum · 21/05/2018 13:19

Having seen your update I think you are being U. If all of you are invited I think you should rspv with the total numbers of "yes" or "no". Not "2 of us say yes and 2 might come if they don't get a better offer". If your kids aren't bothered just say they won't be coming. Not fair on her kid to have to hang around on the off chance yours might show.

PattiStanger · 21/05/2018 13:20

Saying "maybe I will but maybe I won't" is bloody rude regardless of age

Where are you getting that from? I don't say that, I'm an adult as are my friends and family so we have an actual conversation where we discuss the likeliness of invited teens being able to attend. Maybe I'm lucky that everyone I know in real life is perfectly capable of dealing with some uncertainties.

BertrandRussell · 21/05/2018 13:53

If my adult and nearly adult children accept a "family" invitation they turn up and behave properly. They only turn one down if they genuinely have something else on. They are individuals with their own lives- but they are also members of a family and sometimes we hunt as a pack.

Sparklingbrook · 21/05/2018 13:54

It all depends on your family dynamic re family visiting.

We don't make our DC do any visiting they don't want to but we don't have a massive family and we don't have loads of get togethers.

They see my parents regularly because they live locally and want to go round there.

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