Not picked to help on school trip - again. Do I ask why?

[sayhellotothelittlefella]

This might be longer than the actual subject warrants but I want to put as much as I can in the OP so there’s no drip feeding and to explain my strong feelings.
So yet again I’ve offered to help on DS’ school trip and yet again I haven’t been chosen. Last time I wasn’t picked I did phone up and ask if my DBS was still current as I hadn’t been picked to help for several years. I suppose it was a bit obvious this was a roundabout way of asking why I wasn’t able to help - only to be told they didn’t have the reply slip with my offer of help but I would be 1st on the reserve list and next time make sure the letter was back on time and there wouldn’t be a problem. Not so. Last thing on Friday the volunteers list came out ( anything vaguely contentious always gets sent out at 3:15 on Friday) and it’s the SAME few names as it is every trip and has been for years ( even the mums themselves say they always get to go). Normally wouldn’t bother me but with my older DC we made a lot of effort to help with one trip for each of them - DH would take a day off work to watch the younger DC so I could go.
There is a bit of back story with the school but it would derail this thread to go into it - suffice it to say they have no grounds to not pick me. There were no issues when I helped previously, it’s different teaching staff anyway, I give a lot of time to the PTA and the other schools my DC attend have a VERY favourable attitude towards our family. This school is renowned for having favourites. It’s the same with the pupils - always the same few families who’s DC get to do everything. I don’t know how to pitch this really and am genuinely looking for advice and a different perspective. So AIBU to go in tomorrow and ask why I’m still not picked, why is it the same people ( others do also offer) and that after such a long time it’s getting harder to pretend it’s not personal?

We have to go in and help/read/trips every term to keep our DVR check valid.

I go on most of the school trips i have 2 DTS with Sen, so I allways get one of those, and I know most of the kids very well and they tend to behave for me :)

So glad I've got bad visual impairment so likely never to be asked.

I love trips with my kids but a group of 5 with a few having a real attitude and another who is hypersensitive and another who has extreme hay fever means it's near impossible to deal with all of them.

I'm always happy to donate a tin of biscuits or something recyclable for class play.

Also for all those who are having a go at the OP for feeling affronted - remember we all are sensitive to different things it doesn't make her any less valid.

Whereas this doesn't bother me a child not inviting my daughter to their party if most of the class are going might. The OP may not be bothered by this, but hopefully she wouldn't wish to nitpick at me because I do.

Our school tend to pick the parents of children who need extra support ( I was asked to go when DS was on chemo )

I know I've heard that they don't pick parents who they think will only focus on their own child and not the group they're meant to be with.

OP I know you're upset (and I can see why) but have a look at this and you might change your mind :)

twitter.com/i/moments/998628336346783745

Apart from the fact that I'd see helping out on a school trip as a 'for my sins' situation rather than as a privilege or prize (and am very relieved that I'm not alone in that), I do think you sound very anxious to be 'in with' your children's schools, OP. Unless you have good grounds to believe that your son will suffer genuine disadvantage through his parents not being in the 'inner circle' (and if that were the case I would want him out of there post haste anyway IIWY), I would leave said inner circle to get on with it.

Legally, if a parent is given a group with their own child in it, they cannot be responsible for any child but their own. Therefore, they don't help with the adult-child ratio.

I wouldn't have liked my DM coming on school trips, and my DCs aren't particularly keen on me helping. School is where they learn to be a bit more self sufficient, and independent, I'm surprised so many people are so very keen to joins trips.
When I did help I generally steered clear of my own DCs and helped others - I'd be worried that the other kids would tease mine if their mum regularly came along on trips.

I think you’ve said it - this school tends to have favourites. That’s shit and shouldn’t happen but in reality it does. Not sure what you can do, perhaps you should go in and remind them you was going to be ‘first on their list’ and ask if you can still be added to the trip (add that your DC is very upset by this).

Why are you so desperate to be a helper that your DH would actually take a day off work to mind your other kids?!
You wouldn't be put in the same group as your own child anyway, they don't want you to think of it as a delightful day out with your child; you're supposed to be equally focused on ALL the children...
Maybe your obvious desperation to spend the day "with your child" is the reason they don't consider you suitable?

Never offer again.

I used to see this with my own DC's classes. There was a certain type of mum who was picked.

Maybe they don't want to be perceived as favouring the PTA parents.

Maybe the others are used to doing what is asked of them by the teacher. Your assertion that you are used to dealing with groups of children may mean that you have your own ideas about what to do rather than towing the line.

My FIL was a Department Head at a Prep School and apparently there are certain parents that they don't chose because they will favour their own child. Maybe the fact that your do seem to be overcompensating so DS doesn't feel abandoned at the school has led it to appear to the school that you'd be like that on a trip.

Legally, if a parent is given a group with their own child in it, they cannot be responsible for any child but their own. Therefore, they don't help with the adult-child ratio.

Really? Is that a recent change? Can you point me to some official wording on that as it could affect my planning! Thanks.

Sorry - the above was to @Caribou58

Have you ever thought that the parents who get chosen all the time are only chosen because their kids are misbehaving twats?

On a more serious note, forget it and move on. Teachers and parents are not always the kind of people you’d be friends with, but fir the fact your kids go to the same school. In a couple of years, your kids will grow, move schools, and in quite a short space of time, will be out of the education system all together. I can almost guarantee that once that time arrives, you’ll probably never see these people again.

My mind is boggled at the idea of turning people down to help on trips - I several times ended up rushing round the playground at drop off time on the day of the trip because people pulled out, or sending an extra note home a couple of days before because no one had volunteered. What are these schools that are overrun with volunteers?

Sometimes it's better the devil you know. They know these parents can cope with a group of children without losing one.they know they are reliable and won't let them down last minute. They know what they're expected to do.

I did a trip and had my dd in my group. ..she played up something rotten trying to push the boundaries and wandering off. Any other trip I have been on i request not to be put with my dc...so they know they're expected to behave for their other adults and not one complaint of bad behaviour or wandering off...so it's best of parents aren't with their dc in their group.

What's the craic with your ds feeling abandoned at the crap school you didn't send your other kids to, but you can't move him, even though there are places at the school you moved the others to??

DoJo - it was the advice we got from our LA when I was a headteacher. Their view (taken from the legal dept) was that a parent could not be given responsibility for other children in a group which contained their own child, as that parent would naturally (even if unconsciously) prioritise their own child's welfare. They told us that were we to put a parent in such a position and something happened to another child, we would be potentially seen to be negligent with regard to supervision.

Don't wait until the forms come home. Talk to the teacher at the beginning of the year saying you'd love to help on a school trip and get to know the teacher well. That way you'll be asked way in advance. Check the school calendar as it often has dates of trips on and mention to the teacher you'd be willing to help on the trip to x in x month. The safety forms have to have names on of helpers way before the slips go out to parents so the requests you get are actually backup if people need to drop out or staff can't go for some reason. The office only usually manage the back up and not the actual trip organization. TAs are often reassigned to trips due to not having names on the safety forms so you need to ask before the decision making process rather than after.

I did a trip once and covered a different year to my dd. She was heartbroken as she thought I'd be chumming with her all day.

Came on here to post about Simon from Harlow's Twitter Feed about his school trip to the Science Museum yesterday, but see PerspicaciaTick got there first. Honestly, OP, you're better off not going

My son's school are always asking for helpers on trips, I've volunteered for one on Thursday, I can't do the full trip as I have other commitments but am more than welcome to tag along and lend a hand for most of it, no problems. I assumed it was a 'more the merrier' kind of thing when taking a large group of children out. I know what you mean though, OP, I'm not one of the 'usual clique'. I imagine I'm going to feel a bit out of place.

Ha Ha, that twitter feed!

I feel your pain. I used to apply for all trips and never once got chosen. A friend (male) applied and he always went. He used to joke that he knew he’d go cos they always accept the dads. Now I work full time and never have the opportunity. I feel really sad for my kids that their mum never gets to go.