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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not picked to help on school trip - again. Do I ask why?

252 replies

sayhellotothelittlefella · 21/05/2018 00:07

This might be longer than the actual subject warrants but I want to put as much as I can in the OP so there’s no drip feeding and to explain my strong feelings.
So yet again I’ve offered to help on DS’ school trip and yet again I haven’t been chosen. Last time I wasn’t picked I did phone up and ask if my DBS was still current as I hadn’t been picked to help for several years. I suppose it was a bit obvious this was a roundabout way of asking why I wasn’t able to help - only to be told they didn’t have the reply slip with my offer of help but I would be 1st on the reserve list and next time make sure the letter was back on time and there wouldn’t be a problem. Not so. Last thing on Friday the volunteers list came out ( anything vaguely contentious always gets sent out at 3:15 on Friday) and it’s the SAME few names as it is every trip and has been for years ( even the mums themselves say they always get to go). Normally wouldn’t bother me but with my older DC we made a lot of effort to help with one trip for each of them - DH would take a day off work to watch the younger DC so I could go.
There is a bit of back story with the school but it would derail this thread to go into it - suffice it to say they have no grounds to not pick me. There were no issues when I helped previously, it’s different teaching staff anyway, I give a lot of time to the PTA and the other schools my DC attend have a VERY favourable attitude towards our family. This school is renowned for having favourites. It’s the same with the pupils - always the same few families who’s DC get to do everything. I don’t know how to pitch this really and am genuinely looking for advice and a different perspective. So AIBU to go in tomorrow and ask why I’m still not picked, why is it the same people ( others do also offer) and that after such a long time it’s getting harder to pretend it’s not personal?

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 21/05/2018 01:10

Well obviously if you took your DD out and didn't send younger DS there because you think it's going downhill they are not going to want you helping. Part of what is best for the children is being supportive and positive about their school, not giving off negative feelings.

Original poster
sayhellotothelittlefella · 21/05/2018 01:10

The policy used to be you had your own child in your group. This may have changed now and I don’t mind at all if he isn’t, in fact he is now of the age where I’m sure he would prefer not to be but still it is something to talk about and a shared experience.

OP posts:
Original poster
sayhellotothelittlefella · 21/05/2018 01:15

I am supportive - I have a major role in the pta I don’t give off negative feelings in fact I help more in this school than the other as I don’t want DS to feel as if he’s been abandoned. I have been part of this community for around 15 years.

OP posts:
ToeToToe · 21/05/2018 01:21

I'm guessing it's the back story too.

I was once asked by the teacher, personally, to help on a school trip - my ds was a tad naughty (one of the "naughty boys") and I had a very, very good relationship with the teacher - we chatted a lot, and I guess she knew I was on her wavelength. DS was in my group, and she (teacher) had an easier time because she knew I was there to reign DS's boisterous behaviour in.

It was bloody hard work though. I wouldn't be a teacher for all the tea in China.

ToeToToe · 21/05/2018 01:23

I guess what I'm saying is - this may not be an "equal opportunities" thing for the school- but the choice of the teachers who they want there with them - whether it be because they get along with them, trust them, or invite them to reign in their naughty dc's behaviour Wink

Dragonade · 21/05/2018 01:24

I have been part of this community for around 15 years.....

Perhaps it's time to step back graciously and let someone else have a go.

Wildlingofthewest · 21/05/2018 01:35

Why the obsession with helping out on a kids school trip...? You say you already work with kids - surely that’s enough?!
It sounds like your just a bit miffed that your not part of the “clique”
Stop taking it so personally- in the grand scheme of things this is really trivial. Let the chosen few take the kids out - if that’s what helps them all sleep at night. I’m sure you have far more important things you can do in your free time.
Stop stressing!

RedDwarves · 21/05/2018 01:36

I help more in this school than the other as I don’t want DS to feel as if he’s been abandoned

But he's at school. Why on earth would he feel abandoned if you don't help on trips etc?

Original poster
sayhellotothelittlefella · 21/05/2018 01:37

@Dragonade - step back from what? You mean let someone else have a go at not helping either? This is the first time I’ve had a role in the pta as they had no volunteers ( all too busy on trips I guessGrin) when I said ‘part of the community’ I meant it’s a community school, my friends are from this community and I’ve been here for 15 years.

OP posts:
Original poster
sayhellotothelittlefella · 21/05/2018 01:41

@RedDwarves I mean feel abandoned in the sense that he feels he is left at the school that no-one likes, on his own as we’ve not sent younger DS there.

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 21/05/2018 01:52

I mean feel abandoned in the sense that he feels he is left at the school that no-one likes, on his own as we’ve not sent younger DS there.

Well he is at a school you don't like if you have removed one child from it and chosen not to send another child there, and stated it is going down hill.

Original poster
sayhellotothelittlefella · 21/05/2018 02:00

Yes he is - but he can’t move schools. So I’d rather not make him feel like we don’t care about his school and I don’t want him to perceive any negativity that may damage his respect for it. I want to try and maintain a good relationship with them.

OP posts:
MidniteScribbler · 21/05/2018 02:15

The very fact that you care so much about this is probably one of the reasons that you aren't being picked.

You want to do this for your DC. The parents that are invited to come are doing it to support the whole class.

Homebird8 · 21/05/2018 02:19

In our school it’s the parents of the DCs with special needs that get to go most frequently. They are on hand for their DC if needed (not put in their group for supervision) but are also skilled with other kids. When I say special needs I include mental health conditions, recent serious injuries and life threatening allergies with children who have conditions like ADHD or ASD. Maybe it’s a similar situation and you aren’t always aware of the children’s private needs?

tombstoneteeth · 21/05/2018 03:00

My DH used to go on school trips because of our son's severe and brittle asthma attacks. Then they decided that others needed to have a turn, much against our better judgement. That was the week-long outdoor ed trip when the kids were not told where the teachers were sleeping, my son had critical episode and while he was deeply unconscious, his friends pounded on doors at 3 am trying to find help. He was saved by one of the mothers who had some knowledge of asthma, but she was so distressed by what she had experienced that she nearly had a breakdown. Schools need to listen to parents when choosing who to take on trips. I still have nightmares. Good luck.

Eastcoastmost · 21/05/2018 03:16

tombstone - surely you took action against the school?

HoppingPavlova · 21/05/2018 04:17

I don’t understand the angst. I’m one of those that always goes and it’s generally vile. The initial bus trip alone always makes me want to stick a screwdriver in my head.

We have the same group of parents go all the time. Parents of kids with SN or experienced with SN. Even though they send a slip to all parents with every excursion note, the same group is expected to go. Also if a camp situation overnight or longer they add in a parent who is a nurse AND has experience with SN. Seriously if I didn’t have to go I’d be fist pumping it.

Monty27 · 21/05/2018 04:36

Take it to the governors. It sounds clicky to me.

PastaOfMuppets · 21/05/2018 04:38

OP a lot of PPs have said it's probably because the one time you were asked you said no. What do you think about this?

Johnnycomelately1 · 21/05/2018 05:14

I love it when I don't get picked - you get the brownie points for offering but dont actually have to go.

Pigsears · 21/05/2018 06:23

My children see me going on trips as something for them... and not something for the school. They like seeing me there (they aren't yet old enough to realise how super uncool I actually am...) So I get where the OP is coming from. There is normally the same group of parents going (some to support their own child due to behaviour, some because they are readily available) and others come sporadically. I am not sure if anyone is ever consistently refused. I think schools do have favoured parents and families. My children's newsletter seems always to have the same children in it being celebrated. It does get a bit tedious after a while...

cansu · 21/05/2018 06:27

in the nicest possible way you need to let it go! They obviously prefer these other parents - could be the teacher likes them, could be the head prefers them, could be they don't care for you. Who knows, but asking why aren't I picked will make you look like a loon and also someone who needs to find a hobby.

Sirzy · 21/05/2018 06:28

And this is why as a rule ds School don’t have parent helpers on trips!

FunBunHun · 21/05/2018 06:32

Its always the same group in our school.. teachers pets.

Shiraznowplease · 21/05/2018 06:33

@homebird8 it’s the same at my dcs school which I personally think is a good idea. Several mums as Drs and I was extremely grateful they were there when my very clumsy dd fell and hit head/ cut legs to shreds. My dh has been twice as it is helpful for school to have a man to take boys to the toilets. Personally I could think of much better use of my annual leave so am very grateful to these that do go

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