Not picked to help on school trip - again. Do I ask why?

[sayhellotothelittlefella]

This might be longer than the actual subject warrants but I want to put as much as I can in the OP so there’s no drip feeding and to explain my strong feelings.
So yet again I’ve offered to help on DS’ school trip and yet again I haven’t been chosen. Last time I wasn’t picked I did phone up and ask if my DBS was still current as I hadn’t been picked to help for several years. I suppose it was a bit obvious this was a roundabout way of asking why I wasn’t able to help - only to be told they didn’t have the reply slip with my offer of help but I would be 1st on the reserve list and next time make sure the letter was back on time and there wouldn’t be a problem. Not so. Last thing on Friday the volunteers list came out ( anything vaguely contentious always gets sent out at 3:15 on Friday) and it’s the SAME few names as it is every trip and has been for years ( even the mums themselves say they always get to go). Normally wouldn’t bother me but with my older DC we made a lot of effort to help with one trip for each of them - DH would take a day off work to watch the younger DC so I could go.
There is a bit of back story with the school but it would derail this thread to go into it - suffice it to say they have no grounds to not pick me. There were no issues when I helped previously, it’s different teaching staff anyway, I give a lot of time to the PTA and the other schools my DC attend have a VERY favourable attitude towards our family. This school is renowned for having favourites. It’s the same with the pupils - always the same few families who’s DC get to do everything. I don’t know how to pitch this really and am genuinely looking for advice and a different perspective. So AIBU to go in tomorrow and ask why I’m still not picked, why is it the same people ( others do also offer) and that after such a long time it’s getting harder to pretend it’s not personal?

It's probably simply that they are picking the parents that helped before because they know the drill and the kids know them. Just pop into the office or ask the teacher if that's the case, i'm sure it isn't personal.

Sounds like your nose is out of joint becusss the other school treats your family sooo favourably and this one doesn’t!

Thank fuck my kids’ school doesn’t need parent volunteers. I’d rather set myself on fire than have a class trip be this important to me at my age!

Well this has been eye opening!

I am the chair of our PTA, have never done a school trip and was unaware of a pecking order

Honestly, just ask the office staff, they usually know how everything works.

Trips are can be quite popular and it seems fair to give priority to parents who regularly give up their time to come into class to hear readers etc over those who are never able to give day to day help, but are happy to go on a trip.

How ridiculous! You do realise other parents have commitments, such as jobs or younger DC, which means they can't always volunteer to come in every week?

Ok so here's the reasons I don't take particular parents on trips.

• They helped a previous year, were an apsolute PITA and the reputation follows them around the school.

• Known for DV.

• They have little control over their own DC and I know that having them there will mean their DC runs wild.

Apart from that we'll pretty much take anyone and are desperate for useful helpers. If the reason you're not picked is any of the above the teacher won't admit it though, just fob you off.

Frankly I don't want you on my dc's school trips. It sounds as if you are going solely in order to have this marvellous shared experience with your ds. It's helping the school , not a bonding experience with your own child.

Helping on a school trip is sometimes very hard work, and no wonder the staff want someone they know and is reliable. My first school trip involved being handed a large bunch of plastic gloves, cardboard bowls and a set of clothes and being told that I was in charge of the child who was always sick on the coach . I spent the entire coach trip chatting, singing, manically doing anything to distract the child from feeling sick! And did the same on the way back!

Also if you have said no to a trip at the last minute, then that's that, really. You'll be way down the list on future occasions.

My eldest is only in year 1 so there are still a lot of all class parties and i am familiar with many of the children.

and no, i do NOT want a 'lovely day' with my children... and in her school she wouldn't even be in my group... But last year, she did ask why wouldn't i help and i told her i was waiting for some paperwork and would help in the next opportunity

In my school there haven't been many requests for parents to help (last year in reception there was a short notice one that I couldn't do as i was still waiting for the DBS) but fortunately no one has said they will prioritise the ones that help in class and don't work..

and yes, I will still think that a lot of school things are discriminatory for working parents - sports days announced at short notice (i didn't make it last year) - class assemblies, star assemblies, etc... quite hard to juggle time off and working from home and things like that... I am lucky my work lets me work from home... others aren't so lucky and i see some sad faces when their parents can't make it

Just trying to answer a few points
The school insists on all parents being DBS checked to help on a trip.
No spaces in the other school is not the only reason we haven’t moved DS. He is doing well there, he has a good group of friends, he doesn’t like change. Of course the school are unaware we considered moving him - that was a conversation only DH and I had.
When I say the other schools have a favourable attitude towards our family I did not mean my DC are favourites - one is a massive comp - I was saying that to illustrate that we are not an unreasonable/problem family and are liked by all the other teachers we have contact with.
I won’t go to the governors obviously.
The time I was reserve and couldn’t help was the most recent trip so doesn’t explain the previous years of not helping and 45 minutes notice just wasn’t doable on that day.
I’m not needy and desperate to go with my son - I’ve said I don’t mind if he’s not in my group i am genuinely offering to help but consistently being given the message they don’t want my help - it’s hard not to take that personally. He does notice it’s always the same mums and not his.
Will try to catch up on pp’s and answer a few more points.

You are being utterly ridiculous.

You seem to be having a tantrum because you want to go with your child on a school trip & the school needs volunteers to look after groups of children on a school trip.

Honestly, get a grip.

Wow this is an eye-opener. I had no idea that going on a school trip as a parent was a “pick me pick me” thing! Even to the extent that people over-analyse why they haven’t been picked and consider complaining about it! Good grief.

I can’t even conceive of being so un-busy in my life that I would have headspace for that kind of thing. I see parents who volunteer for that sort of thing as making a big sacrifice of their time to do something which is surely a giant pain, rather than getting awarded some kind of treat for being teacher’s favourite or something.

@BlueBalletDress none of those reasons apply as far as I can tell. The 3 times I helped years ago it was all very positive. No DV and my DC are well behaved.

You’ve offered help, they don’t need or want it. Thats it. Move on!
I think your seriously over thinking this entire situation! It’s a sodding school trip! In the grand scheme of things is this really worth all the time and effort your putting into worrying/over thinking about it?!!
Life is way too short to be investing so much head space in such a trivial thing...

and yes, I will still think that a lot of school things are discriminatory for working parents - sports days announced at short notice (i didn't make it last year) - class assemblies, star assemblies, etc... quite hard to juggle time off and working from home and things like that... I am lucky my work lets me work from home... others aren't so lucky and i see some sad faces when their parents can't make it

Well that is something that should be factored in when deciding to return to work. Sports day often has to be arranged at short notice due to weather constraints, and unless they abandon class assemblies and award assemblies then how do you expect them to give you reasonable notice. They aren't going to decide at the start of the term who is star of the week in advance.

He does notice it’s always the same mums and not his.

But why would he even care unless he's been given the impression you'd be going for his benefit, rather than the staff's?

I agree that schools are hard for working parents. So much you can't go to and some schools still seem to think one parent will be available during the day.

Surely not being picked is a cause for celebration, no?

(Sorry, I am a bad person and a bad parent).

I think you should go in an ask. It's not about you being picked but about your child having an opportunity to have their mum at something. It could be the school just doesn't really keep track. But this sort of thing is one of the reasons I stopped volunteering in schools. I would do 3-4 hours a week of volunteering in school, I would donate school supplies and I would often be the only parent to show up to help the teachers walk the kids to the church or whatever...and then at the end of term if there were any exciting trips they would go to the same parent volunteers who never volunteered during the term. So I stopped volunteering.

It’s a school trip. It’s a trip for the kids. It is not intended to be a bonding experience for the parent who volunteers to help out.
I’m baffled that this is actually seen as a really life concern for some of you!

First world problems.......!

@sweeneytoddsrazor I'm not worried about the star and class assemblies - my school do the stars on the first week of each new half term and we get the letter before the holidays so can rearrange stuff then, but the sports day last year did annoy me a bit as we had less than one week notice...

and as i said my job is flexible enough - and when i cant do it, so far my husband has managed to go...

but the girl with the mum who is a consultant rarely gets the mum there

I managed to get DS's former school a £2,500 lottery grant to massively improve its playgrounds, and never even got a verbal thank you from the headteacher (who had asked me to do the application in the first place). No school trips for me either. They must have really, really disliked me!

This is amazing - I never realised before reading this thread that people actually wanted to help on school trips. I always use the "I work full-time" excuse to not volunteer. I'm so glad and grateful that some people actually like doing it - I seriously cannot think of anything I'd rather do less.

I would imagine it's just office mechanics tbh. For example I am always asked to do school trips because the school is crap at admin and is always doing it last minute - and they know I am often free to volunteer and I do pick up every day so am easy to collar. When I couldn't and asked in the school WhatsApp group people were v keen to help so I reckon they just don't have good systems for asking. In my other kid's school they are extremely efficient and genuinely ask people who haven't done it before. On the other hand after the trip on a boiling day where one dad bought his kid and noone else an ice cream I can kind of see why they stick with what they know.

You should ask though, I bet it's not personal.

By the way I bloody hate school trips so I'm not being smug. Something about them makes my normally independent kids go back into clingy 2yr old mode.

How is she having a tantrum? OP has explained her position and seems entirely reasonable to me. Just because she wants to do this because it will make her child happy (which is the reason most parents volunteer for trips), it doesn't mean that she wouldn't actually be helping or wouldn't be looking after the children assigned to her.
I think schools have a duty to the kids to be inclusive - children love it when their parents go on trips and so schools should vary the mix unless they know a particular parent shouldn't be there.
I've been on loads of trips with my youngest (am sahm, so have the time ). I have done quite a few of the boring, difficult ones - funny how some parents only want to do the good trips! I do it because it makes my child happy. (I suspect school want me because said child gets travel sick and its better if I can deal with that). Even though I am there for my dc rather than a genuine desire to help out, I do pull my weight and there is no reason to think the OP wouldn't.

Seriously. Chill out. If/when they want/need you, they'll ask you. Could be a whole host of reasons, but going in and asking, you are not going to be told the truth anyway! It's more likely to be that because it's the same parents going, they're reliable, they know the drill, the teachers know they all work well together...makes the teacher's life easier. Start volunteering in a different way maybe (school fair? PTA?) and get yourself known that way if you really want to help.

Otherwise, enjoy not having to!

@TinyTear maybe you could suggest to them to pencil in a weather permitting date at the start of the term. I understand it's hard for working parents and upsetting for the children, but to a certain extent the schools hands are very much tied.