Not picked to help on school trip - again. Do I ask why?

[sayhellotothelittlefella]

This might be longer than the actual subject warrants but I want to put as much as I can in the OP so there’s no drip feeding and to explain my strong feelings.
So yet again I’ve offered to help on DS’ school trip and yet again I haven’t been chosen. Last time I wasn’t picked I did phone up and ask if my DBS was still current as I hadn’t been picked to help for several years. I suppose it was a bit obvious this was a roundabout way of asking why I wasn’t able to help - only to be told they didn’t have the reply slip with my offer of help but I would be 1st on the reserve list and next time make sure the letter was back on time and there wouldn’t be a problem. Not so. Last thing on Friday the volunteers list came out ( anything vaguely contentious always gets sent out at 3:15 on Friday) and it’s the SAME few names as it is every trip and has been for years ( even the mums themselves say they always get to go). Normally wouldn’t bother me but with my older DC we made a lot of effort to help with one trip for each of them - DH would take a day off work to watch the younger DC so I could go.
There is a bit of back story with the school but it would derail this thread to go into it - suffice it to say they have no grounds to not pick me. There were no issues when I helped previously, it’s different teaching staff anyway, I give a lot of time to the PTA and the other schools my DC attend have a VERY favourable attitude towards our family. This school is renowned for having favourites. It’s the same with the pupils - always the same few families who’s DC get to do everything. I don’t know how to pitch this really and am genuinely looking for advice and a different perspective. So AIBU to go in tomorrow and ask why I’m still not picked, why is it the same people ( others do also offer) and that after such a long time it’s getting harder to pretend it’s not personal?

The backstory isn’t irrelevant - you aren’t supportive of the school because your remaining child is only there because you haven't managed to move them ! I wouldn’t pick you either, in those circumstances. Running school trips are hard enough without having to have one of the awkward squad along who only wants to be there for some kind of sharing experience with their child. Take that child on an outing yourself and talk about that together, for goodness sake. Don’t you realise how unbelievably petty this ‘its not fair ‘ whining makes you look ?

looking at it from a human angle.

Leading a school trip is unbelievably stressful and you rely on your team to make it a success. Would you want a team member that has removed one child from the school and is not sending another and has a 'back story' as part of your support if you have another option. probably not your first choice, even if you got on well with them and thought their child was fab.

I’m one those mums who always gets to go..... having a DBS has nothing to do with it as they shouldn’t be letting you be alone with the kids on a trip anyway. Only staff should be accompanying kids to the toilet.

I get chosen because I’m reliable, usually available as my job is flexible, the kids in the class know me because I’ve been in to help a lot, and I’m good at keeping the kids in order! I’m happy to tell a child off who isn’t behaving in order to keep them safe (e.g. when walking along busy roads and they start pratting about) whereas from experience a lot of parents aren’t happy to intervene or tell off a child who isn’t their own in the same circumstances (or, as I’ve seen on trips, even if it is their own!) Many a trip I’ve ended up babysitting a naughty child. I also get involved with all the activities too, whilst most helpers will congregate with each other away from the children at any given chance in my experience. I’m also an extra pair of eyes who knows all the kids by sight and can tell who is missing immediately, whereas other parents often don’t know any kid in the group except their own.

So there are reasons why the teachers prefer certain parents, even though it seems unfair to others.

If they have too many volunteers they pick the names out of the proverbial hat (although mine always seems to come out!!), so it isn’t actually always all the same people.

Our school doesn't ask all the parents and uses a selection it has dbs checked. They don't like sending a parent on the same trip as their own child. I have been asked to do 5 trips and have done 3 so far. Last year I did none as they had sufficient adults due to student teachers being available. My next trip is on Thursday.

We had one mum who went on everything when I was at school. I mean everything. They rotated other volunteers but always had her. No reason, just did. The one time she wasn't going, a spot came up last minute and the teacher solved the issue of who could go by picking names out of a hat- in front of us. When freeloader mum got picked the teacher then yelled at children complaining that freeloader mum ALWAYS goes. We were 6. 1 girl cried.

It was solved by my DM - as class rep- telling our next teacher that there was now some ill feeling amongst other mums and the kids about this woman always going, as she took a spot that some people had never had a go at yet. Teacher took the hint.

Does it really matter??

Whether it's personal or not, they chose not to chose you.

Move on.
Really, this whole thing makes you sound rather needy.

How ridiculous, not picked for a school trip - you sound 7.
Going in to complain will mark you as 'that parent' (you probably are already).
platypus pie is spot on.

I'm not dbs checked and I go on trips alot

I used to go on all the trips with my dd’s class. The reason was because I volunteered to help with reading every week for the whole year, plus helped with swimming, plus trips in the local area. I knew all the children because I’d read with them all individually and in groups.

I’m with PerspicaciaTick - I thought no one ever wanted to go on these. I volunteered to do the first one of reception because then I would have ‘done my duty’ and be able to avoid volunteering for ages!

I sincerely hope the suggestion of going to the governors is a joke .

Their role is to oversee the running of the school, not to get involved in whether a PITA parent has been chosen to go on a school trip.

Same thing at my dd’s school. The same small group gets picked every time. Drives us mad and it’s hard not to take it personally.

The reason it matters??

Tbh I’m not that fussed about going. It’s for my DD. She gets upset that the same parents always get chosen and she never gets to have her parent there. She’s a good girl, shares and always ensures everyone gets a turn. She can’t unserstand why her school doesn’t follow the same rules.

She even asked her teacher once and she said it’s because she’s so good that she doesn’t have to worry about her!!! So she’s being punished for good behaviour... bad message to send to kids imo.

Our school wouldn't choose you because you are so keen to do this with your son. We need people who want to help the class as a whole and the teachers, not people who want to go for a shared experience with their own child.

Even if they put you and your child in separate groups, they don't need you to be looking out for where your child is and what they are doing, they need you to be entirely focused on your own group. If they get the impression that you will be too preoccupied with your own child rather than those you have been allocated, it's understandable that they choose other people. It's not a personal snub, they're just doing what works best for them and the children as a whole. They don't owe parents a turn at going on trips, that's not what trips are for.

I've gone on a few school trips and helped out at other events within the school.

The thing that strikes me is that you want to do this for your DS, but that isn't really the point of volunteering is it.

I help because the teacher need help or the trip can't take place. I don't go just to spend time with my DD, in fact I have to explain to her that I am not there for her at all, but for the other children.

It is very annoying when other parent 'helpers' just spend all their time with their own child, leaving all the other tasks, like managing bad behaviour or watching the one that always wanders off, to the teacher and TAs and mugs like me

to the teacher who said you favour the ones that go to the class and to the reading and so on, that is discriminatory of working parents.

I have done the DBS check at the school and said i would like to go on one trip if it happens, but i would take a day off work, i can't do regular volunteering as I work full time...

But tiny those that spend time in the class are known to the children. They know the children. Surely you can see why that is more ideal?

The issue is too many parents make it about them and not about the 30 or so children!

I have done loads of school trips as a helper and can't understand why anyone would want to! As a student teacher, I helped at DM's school trips (10 primary 4s going round Edinburgh Castle, anyone?) and then because DD1 has allergies, I always went on school trips to prevent a recurrence of one teacher allowing her to pet lambs, even knowing she was allergic to wool . Keeping your eye on upwards of half a dozen of the little buggers is no rest cure! Mind you, I did go to some super places, for free.

Sorry OP but it probably has more to do with the "backstory" you mention than anything. If you are that concerned about going I'd just ask the school outright in a chat with them. However, I personally be glad to escape, hard to imagine anything worse than a school trip!

Discriminatory to working parents?! Oh come on.

As has been said, it’s about the needs of the class, not you having a lovely time with your kid. If you want to do that, take them on the same trip on your own, out of school time.

By the way I work pretty much FT and I still help out at school - it’s actually part of my working week as my employer encourages volunteering and gives us a certain amount of hours over the year to do so. Might be worth seeing if your employer will do that.

Our schools they always have priority to the parents who helped week in week out. They said it was a thank you (funny one if you. Ask me) for doing the donkey work that you got priority on the fun day

I think that's fair enough.

If I had a Lego brick for everytime I heard a parent say they couldn't help in the school because they just couldn't be bothered/didn't wan't to, I could build a new house. Some of the most prolific volunteers were in at least part time work, so work wasn't always a reason not to attend.

The one exception to this was a trip DC2's year level took in early primary to a local attraction. It was a rip off expensive to get into, and I'd been once or twice (not with school) and been bored stiff. But suddenly all the parents who couldn't be bothered helping in the class amazingly found the time, took the day off work or motivation for this (free) trip. I was happy not to go along but DC really wanted me to go, so I did. In the end almost every child had their own parent accompanying them. It was utterly ridiculous. I was surprised the school allowed it. 90% of those parents never volunteered in the school again, so it was obvious they were just after a free trip to local attraction.

Tiny it can't be discriminatory against working parents because school trips aren't about opportunities for parents. They are about children, and the schools only concern is that the children are kept safe and benefit from the trip. If that is better achieved with parents who know the children well and are more likely to be helpful to the school staff instead of being concerned about being there for their own child, then rightly, that's what they're going to do.

We've had parents turn up on places that we've been on trips with their younger children and try to tag along, even trying to get into the the school lunch rooms with us. Presumably they think it will be nice for their own children to see them when they are out with the school. Those parents are nothing but a pain in the arse for the staff and all the other children that aren't theirs.

Normally wouldn’t bother me but with my older DC we made a lot of effort to help with one trip for each of them - DH would take a day off work to watch the younger DC so I could go.

Why though?

It's not about your child or getting to share a school trip experience with them. It's about helping the staff.

This is why my local primary stopped asking parents. They didn't like it when their offer of help was accepted and they realised their child either wasn't in their group.

In fact being such a large school, the year groups are often split into two and the trips done over two days.

How would you feel if your child was going on a Monday and you were asked to help out on the Tuesday instead?

Would you still be adamant that you wanted to 'help the school'?

I help because the teacher need help or the trip can't take place. I don't go just to spend time with my DD, in fact I have to explain to her that I am not there for her at all, but for the other children

I get chosen because I’m reliable, usually available as my job is flexible, the kids in the class know me because I’ve been in to help a lot, and I’m good at keeping the kids in order! I’m happy to tell a child off who isn’t behaving in order to keep them safe (e.g. when walking along busy roads and they start pratting about) whereas from experience a lot of parents aren’t happy to intervene or tell off a child who isn’t their own in the same circumstances (or, as I’ve seen on trips, even if it is their own!) Many a trip I’ve ended up babysitting a naughty child. I also get involved with all the activities too, whilst most helpers will congregate with each other away from the children at any given chance in my experience. I’m also an extra pair of eyes who knows all the kids by sight and can tell who is missing immediately, whereas other parents often don’t know any kid in the group except their own

Ditto. My experience too.

For PP who say that it's just a chance to spend time with your own child, I know that for myself and my observations of other volunteers, our own kids got the least of our attention. I was too paranoid about making sure the other kids were okay to worry too much about mine!

Under duress i have applied a few times and been delighted when I’ve not been picked. I have done 1 for each of my kids and found them not only highly stressful (constant head counting 1,2,3,4,5,6. 1,2,3,4,5,6. 1,2,3,4,5,6 and 25 toilet trips) but very boring and I’d rather stick pins in my eyes than do another one. Very happy to leave it to anyone else.