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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not invited to what I thought was a friends wedding, not 🌃 the evening do after she sat chatting to me about her wedding!

103 replies

Ohsuchaperfectday · 19/05/2018 23:47

We met at a baby massage class when our dc were about 4 months many meet ups...

Loads talk of her hoping to get married... But other things to sort ie personal conversation... At one point meeting once a week... Then more sparodic asked dc went to nursery etc.

I thought she was a friend. She said one day... 'I'm getting married.. Date is x. Church.. Little reception at church for local ladies she has just met.. Then sit down dinner hotel then... Evening do.

She spoke to me at length about it, showed me wedding magazines... Said a mum form the school caught wind of it and joked about going she said..

' I thought no you cheeky cow I don't know you! Maybe I would invite her to the evening do if I got to know her more.. But no!!'

Her dd has just started school last September and she has moved to new school area... So new friends..

I didn't expect invite to anything but evening do. And it's not come wedding in two weeks.

But... In meantime I get the odd text.. How am I.. Enjoying weather.. She hopes to see us soon!!

I wanted to send her funny text last week re Megan's wedding and hers and its stuck me...

I'm not invited. Texting now looks like fishing!!

Would you carry I'm friends afternoon this? She's considering inviting people from school she has known a few months.. But not me.

I feel hurt.

OP posts:
Lougle · 19/05/2018 23:51

It's her wedding. It doesn't mean you're not friends if you're not invited, it just means she didn't have space for everyone she knows. Don't let this ruin an otherwise nice relationship.

Original poster
Ohsuchaperfectday · 19/05/2018 23:54

The thing is, if it was me and I had a small unusual wedding on extremely non existent budget... I wouldn't invite someone round and talk about my wedding and cheeky people who... Joked about going and I may still invite!! I may mention it and say we are tight on numbers or be discreet!!

OP posts:
AmeliaScott · 20/05/2018 00:02

Similar happened to me. The bride was an old friend (so I thought) who kept the wedding quiet even though I looked after her son the week of the wedding (not that I knew about the wedding) and she dropped into conversation how she had got married when I saw her a few weeks later. A bit surprised but assumed it was small etc. Oh not at all. She later showed be photos of two bus fulls of friends from abroad Hmm. I was hurt at the time but now I just Grin. It certainly confirmed to me where I stood! It's fine now. I make alot less effort for that person as there is not much else I can do.. It's life.

condepetie · 20/05/2018 00:14

She was excited for her wedding.

You don't really know her that well. Seriously. Chill out. Do you really want to be attending the wedding of someone you see occasionally? Would you know anyone there?

She was excited and talking about it to anyone who would listen. She is not obliged to invite everyone she has a conversation with at her weekly groups. You don't know the size of the wedding, you don't know her husband-to-be's family and friends and how many of them he wants to be there.

It's no big deal.

Duck90 · 20/05/2018 00:20

I don’t understand the comment about the other mum? Does it not sound similar to the relationship you yourself have with the bride?

Poptart4 · 20/05/2018 00:22

Sounds like you value your relationship alot more than she does. You see her as a friend and she sees you as a casual acquaintance.

Its crap when that happens and it's hard not to take it personally. I would also be surprised at not being invited to the evening do, given your history. Let's be honest the evening do is when you invite everyone, even the work colleagues you hardly know.

At least you now know where you stand with her. You have to decide now if you want to continue with the relationship as a casual acquaintance or cut your loses and fade her out.

Original poster
Ohsuchaperfectday · 20/05/2018 00:25

We initially met at weekly group and whilst other members fell away we seemed to develop a friendship.

Put it this way... If I was a having her wedding I would invite her to whole thing but at least to evening do!
We don't speak on phone.. But have met fairly regularly, text a lot... To put me well behind cheeky mum at school she met months ago...

It's not even this I just don't see how I can carry oh friendship after this. I felt very isolated after dc birth and I know from other different groups she attended she made other friends who she sees more.. I thought I had cine through with one person I could say is a friend...

Evening do... Is probably least costly part of the day.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ohsuchaperfectday · 20/05/2018 00:30

From my pov she isn't best friend or close close friend. But I valued her friendship...I have seen her dc grow up.. Our conversation way past causal acquaintance.

We have known each other over 5 years now. School mum met last Sept... I just can't see what it would cost her for us to go to evening do.

Anyway...!! I just wouldn't chat about wedding or text someone saying hope to see you you soon when my wedding is a few weeks away and I have not invited the to any part!! GrinGrin

OP posts:
RosyPrimroseface · 20/05/2018 00:31

the "cheeky mum" message might have been a way of her indirectly signalling to you that only very close friends were invited.
you heard it as "She's cheeky, only real friends like you would be invited"
She meant "She's cheeky, you're not, as you are sensible enough to realise that people I know slightly through our kids, like you both, won't be coming"

Singlenotsingle · 20/05/2018 00:37

Weddings are expensive, that's all I can say, and really only close friends can expect to be invited. I'm sure it's not person.

UpstartCrow · 20/05/2018 00:37

Yanbu, she should have just told you its only a small wedding on a budget.

Singlenotsingle · 20/05/2018 00:38

personal

Duck90 · 20/05/2018 00:39

Oh dear, you have misread the relationship. Has that happened to you before? Sorry you feel isolated,, take care and stop thinking about this situation.

Aylarose · 20/05/2018 00:42

I guess RosyPrimroseFace is probably right. 5 years is a long time though and if you've been meeting up quite regularly then that does sound like friendship and definitely not like acquaintance territory!

You are very reasonable to feel a bit upset and in your shoes I would probably either cut contact or reduce contact with her.

Italiangreyhound · 20/05/2018 00:58

I think you are not being unreasonable but sadly if you say anything and then get an invite it will probably feel a bit sour.

Do what makes you happy. Stay friends, stop being friends, tell her how you feel, don't tell her how you feel. There are no right answers here (except no gatecrashing, of course, that would never be the answer).

A friend of mine, very vague friend got married and invited many mutual friends but not me. I felt a bit sad but it was OK I was not that bothered. But you sound bothered by it so it does feel like you are more invested in the friendship, which is not a criticism at all.

AjasLipstick · 20/05/2018 01:02

I am going to sound very shallow now...but are you better looking than her?

I was once excluded from what I thought was my best friend's wedding. She asked another young woman to be her bridesmaid and didn't invite me at all saying "Oh you don't have anyone to look after the kids...."

A mutual friend later told me it was because she thought I'd upstage her.

She's not my friend now.

Italiangreyhound · 20/05/2018 01:08

(I did wonder about the better looking thing too!)

I also wondered if she was keen to invite you, hence all the looking at magazines together and then she made new friends when her child moved school.

Anyway, I think friendships can survive this stuff so I would be tempted to use the money you save on a gift for her and a new outfit... on a gift for you.... And a new outfit!

GaynorGoodwin · 20/05/2018 06:22

To me she sounded like a friend, but obviously not a good friend. I’d cut your losses and accept that’s the way some folk roll. It sounds as if she’s got enough friends already...her loss OP!

Pengggwn · 20/05/2018 06:38

Can't agree with the comments above. Personally, I think weekly meet-ups, texts, discussions about your wedding in detail = friend. And I invited my friends to my wedding. I would drop her like a horse apple, OP.

GreenItWas · 20/05/2018 06:51

She's taking the bits of friendship she wants from you and leaving the bits she doesn't. Gradually drop her or not. Maybe do the same back? Keep her in your circle because dumping people can backfire but KNOW her IYSWIM? You are right to be upset. She sounds a bit unaware.

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/05/2018 06:56

Yes, I would be very upset in your position. Could you text her. “I hope you have a lovely day. I am disappointed I will not be there to share it with you.” No judgment there. All about your feelings and wishing her well. Then distance yourself for a while if that makes you feel better.

She has been very insensitive. Did she move to be near a naice school, where all the mummies are “gathered” and you don’t make the cut?

FASH84 · 20/05/2018 07:06

How is there no judgement in that? I'm disappointed not to be there... It's passive aggressive. Just send her a card wishing her a lovely wedding day, no barbed comments. That's like a stereotypical MIL, oh don't worry about little lonely old me me I know you're busy, I'm just so disappointed not to see you all, type comment.

RayDropofGoldenSun · 20/05/2018 07:07

Well I'd be hurt too. I think it sounds like you were friends, with it being 5 years, regular meet ups, texts. That's modern friendship. If you don't plan to have me at your wedding, I'm probably not worth chatting over wedding mags with.

NotARegularPenguin · 20/05/2018 07:08

If someone sent me a text saying they were disappointed they weren’t going to be there I would think they were very, very odd.

ittakes2 · 20/05/2018 07:10

i don't think its unreasonable that you feel hurt. People don't usually have long conversations about their wedding with people they are not going to invite!

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