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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not invited to what I thought was a friends wedding, not 🌃 the evening do after she sat chatting to me about her wedding!

103 replies

Ohsuchaperfectday · 19/05/2018 23:47

We met at a baby massage class when our dc were about 4 months many meet ups...

Loads talk of her hoping to get married... But other things to sort ie personal conversation... At one point meeting once a week... Then more sparodic asked dc went to nursery etc.

I thought she was a friend. She said one day... 'I'm getting married.. Date is x. Church.. Little reception at church for local ladies she has just met.. Then sit down dinner hotel then... Evening do.

She spoke to me at length about it, showed me wedding magazines... Said a mum form the school caught wind of it and joked about going she said..

' I thought no you cheeky cow I don't know you! Maybe I would invite her to the evening do if I got to know her more.. But no!!'

Her dd has just started school last September and she has moved to new school area... So new friends..

I didn't expect invite to anything but evening do. And it's not come wedding in two weeks.

But... In meantime I get the odd text.. How am I.. Enjoying weather.. She hopes to see us soon!!

I wanted to send her funny text last week re Megan's wedding and hers and its stuck me...

I'm not invited. Texting now looks like fishing!!

Would you carry I'm friends afternoon this? She's considering inviting people from school she has known a few months.. But not me.

I feel hurt.

OP posts:
AlphaNumericalSequence · 20/05/2018 07:14

The fact that she chatted readily with you about the wedding suggests that she felt it was completely clear and natural that you wouldn't expect to be invited.

That makes me think that you have just misread the situation completely: Either you aren't as close a friend as you think you are, or you have the wrong idea about how widely wedding invites have to be sent out to people in the bride's circle.

She hasn't wronged you, there seems to be no snub, no malice. In your place I would just hope she has a lovely day and carry on the friendship as before.

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/05/2018 07:26

No it’s not PA how I mean it. Or odd. As for the mil comment, everything depends on context. If it’s a bitchy, snide comment, then it’s pa. If like my dhs grandma, she loved seeing us but we lived in a different country, she was the sweetest lady. She lamented she didn’t see her gs more but totally understood we had lives to lead.

Pengggwn · 20/05/2018 07:28

The fact that she chatted readily with you about the wedding suggests that she felt it was completely clear and natural that you wouldn't expect to be invited.

The only people I felt 'clearly and naturally' wouldn't be invited to my wedding were not people I sat down with to chat about it, met up with, texted socially etc. How odd!

ichifanny · 20/05/2018 07:30

I wouldn’t say anything but I’d probably not bother with them again to be honest , if that’s how they feel about he friendship unless they had a tiny wedding of course .

MumofBoysx2 · 20/05/2018 07:33

The trouble with wedding invites is that you are setting a precedent by who you invite - if she invites you there may be a 150 other people connected to the couple with similar friendship links who should also be invited. Same as children - all or none, etc. She probably can't afford it but was still excited to talk about it. Send her a card and don't let it destroy your friendship!

Pengggwn · 20/05/2018 07:35

MumofBoysx2

Going to sound harsh now, but I don't have space in my life for people with hundreds of acquaintances. It's just not worth my time to be one of their two hundred friends, who misses the important moments because I don't make the grade. I also wouldn't have time to keep up with two hundred people myself, so couldn't put the friendship on an equal footing and would have to drop it.

FreeMantle · 20/05/2018 07:59

I agree it's probably a precedent thing and it's always a numbers game. As she sees the school mums more now it's pretty hard to invite some and not others.
Not saying she shouldn't have invited you to the evening do , but at some point old friends, cousins you never see etc, become easier to miss out, than people you see every week.
I agree you are less important in her world than she is in yours, but does it matter? I think it's nice to have friendships with people from all stages of life. Send the card, keep the friendship ( didn't you listen to the preacher yesterday op!)

VivaKondo · 20/05/2018 08:00

I suspect that you and her were never really close friends despite seeing each other very often.
She has moved to a new area and has made new friends, people who are as close to her as you were.
In the mean time, because she has moved, you don’t see each other as much and the weakness of the friendship has become clear (to her at least).

The bottom line is, wouod consider her an acquaintance not a dear friend.
Stay in contact if you still have a nice time with her when you meet up. But remember she isn’t a close friend.

Summerinrome · 20/05/2018 08:06

I would be hurt too. I would send a text, 'I hope your wedding goes well, all the best' and leave it at that.

I would not be very keen to see her anymore, what is the point, she clearly doesn't value the friendship very much.

Summerinrome · 20/05/2018 08:07

You are better off investing your time with real friends.

suchatiredbunny · 20/05/2018 08:10

I'm not surprised you're upset. I experienced similar recently when out of a group of friends I was the only one invited to an evening do of a wedding that everyone else in the group was invited to all of, even after ten years of friendship, being invited to the hen dos etc, and it was a slap in the face. It made me realise that actually, I'd been slowly being excluded from the group as a whole for a while so we declined the invite and I've cut my losses and distanced myself from the group. As a pp said above, I don't need to be one of a large group of friends if I don't mean anything to them, I'd rather stick to my handful of good friends than have a load of fake ones.
It sounds like she sees your friendship differently to you, and that realisation hurts. I'm sorry, but I think it's quite common.

Blankscreen · 20/05/2018 08:10

How you feel is legitimate and whether you misread the situation or not it's how you feel. You felt that you were good enough friends to go to the evening.
I have known people over the years who move into their next friends and I wonder if that is what she has done and she had a limit on numbers.

I think your main choice is you need to decide do you want to carry on your 'friendship' now you know where you stand in the pecking order.

Only you can answer that. You don't need to say anything unless you want to but just distance yourself from the situation emotionally.

Blankscreen · 20/05/2018 08:13

I wouldn't text saying hope it goes well. On the basis you're not invited you had forgotten about it.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 20/05/2018 08:17

Dust yourself down OP, now you know the score.
You've remained dignified, so keep it that way. Throughout life, you'll find that some people, never cease to amaze us, and not always in a good way.

cushioncovers · 20/05/2018 08:17

Agree with sugarpie

LittleMermaidRose · 20/05/2018 08:18

YANBU I think that was a nasty thing if her to do. If I was getting married I certainly wouldn't gush all about to someone who I wasn't even going to invite - how rude!
I wouldn't make any effort with her anymore. If she texts, you could reply politely but I wouldn't engage in conversation, just keep it really short and sweet.

L0UISA · 20/05/2018 08:21

^ what sugar pie said.

newmumwithquestions · 20/05/2018 08:24

Similar thing happened to me OP. Someone I classed as a friend got married, didn’t invite me. I wasn’t bothered or surprised as I classed us as friends not good friends and know how much pressure there is on wedding invites! Then about a week after she got married I bumped into a mutual friend who told me all about it.... and who had gone which included loads of her vague acquaintances. It was a big wedding. I ditched the friendship - I do miss her a bit sometimes but I realised how much I’d got our friendship wrong.

londonrach · 20/05/2018 08:26

Yabu. Im got a friend who was having a wedding. Iveknow her a year when we both had dds. We talk daily. Alot of wedding chat. About two weeks before wedding she was talking wedding then looked at me. I quickly said i never ever expected an invite as youve got family and long term friends how tell me more about the dress. She smiled and containing chatting. I dropped off a card and small present the day before the wedding.

DragonMummy1418 · 20/05/2018 08:38

The exact same thing happened to me.
The friendship fizzled out.

Eggzandbacon · 20/05/2018 09:02

We were great friends with a couple, went out at least once a week etc. The main people either of us were socialising with, helped out in each other’s houses, had dinner once a week etc.
They didn’t invite us to any bit of their wedding. Afterwards the new husband kept dropping hints that he would have to come to the full day of our wedding as ‘we were such good mates’ bizarre, it just ended up drifting apart.
I understand money is a huge factor but not inviting the main people you spend all your time with, strange.

Italiangreyhound · 20/05/2018 09:11

I agree with Pengggwn and Sugarpiehoneyeye.

@AlphaNumericalSequence "The fact that she chatted readily with you about the wedding suggests that she felt it was completely clear and natural that you wouldn't expect to be invited"

If that is the case she is pretty weird since most people would not talk extensively about an event they were hosting to a friends they were not inviting.

@londonrach that's kind of you but the OP has known her friend a lot longer than a year.

MrsHathaway · 20/05/2018 09:27

This happened to me recently - similarly she involved me in wedding discussions beforehand including planning discussions one-on-one, and I went to her very small hen do. We see each other often socially, including just us (so it's not that I'm at the other end of a friendship group IYSWIM) and pick each other's children up from school, etc.

It was very hard to realise that I was NFI and I'm still processing it some time after the wedding. All it would have taken was a conversation along the lines of "invitations are so hard - we have to invite DstbH's entire massive family so I can hardly invite any of my friends" or something. But as it stands it does feel like a very personal rejection.

I hope you can conclude that it probably isn't personal, and stop feeling hurt. Ultimately friendships aren't always symmetrical, and some are only for a season.

pinkdelight · 20/05/2018 09:34

"she has moved to new school area... So new friends.. "

I think this is the heart of it unfortunately. You were 'mum' friends. You haven't seen her DC "grow up", just been around for that first phase which can become a bit of a blur when school kicks in if you aren't all in the same place transitioning from the same nursery to school. Unless you really bonded on some level other than being local mums - something else in common that you'd meet up to do together - then chances are that space gets filled in her new locality.

I wouldn't read too much into her chatting to you about the wedding. She was probably wittering on to anyone who would listen about it. It doesn't sound like she is a great loss, if that helps ease the disappointment.

boilerhouse2007 · 20/05/2018 09:45

''I make alot less effort for that person as there is not much else I can do.. It's life.''

This, I too used to get very hurt by this sort of stuff but time and experience can make you resistant to it and sadly indifferent. These days I no longer care one bit where I get invited and who dislikes me because you really cannot control these things and really life is too short. In short, I guess that life experiences has made me trust nobody but myself and have 0 expectations of people. It is true what they say-the less you care the easier it is.