Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be pissed off with my boyfriend?

105 replies

PeedOffGirlfriend · 19/05/2018 21:04

I was meant to be staying at my boyfriends this evening, but when I went to drop my son off at my sisters house we had an argument and she refused to look after him. Cue me having to ring my boyfriend to explain how upset I was, that I had packed an overnight bag, didn't want to drive home, was really looking forward to seeing him etc.

He just said that 'he was looking forward to seeing me, and he's annoyed he can't, but there's nothing he can do'. I am pissed off because I feel as though he should have offered for both my self and my son to come over to his (we have spoken about this in the past and he also lives a lot nearer to my sister than I do) or offered to come to me. He did neither, just kept saying 'there was nothing he could do.'

I know that if he couldn't come to me, and I knew he was upset, I would offer travel to him (obviously if I found childcare or could bring my son). It's the fact he didn't even offer an alternative arrangement that pissed me off. And I know people are going to say, 'why didn't you suggest it to him that he comes to you', but the fact is I feel as though I shouldn't have to.

AIBU?

OP posts:
kissthealderman · 19/05/2018 21:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
PeedOffGirlfriend · 19/05/2018 21:13

Because to me, being an empathetic person, I know that if my boyfriend was upset I would automatically offer to try and rearrange the plans to still see him. It just strikes me as strange that he didn't even suggest anything, just 'right you can't come to me, oh well' sort of attitude.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 19/05/2018 21:13

Has your son stayed there before?

When your wound up post argument probably isn’t best time to start

NeedForBlossom · 19/05/2018 21:14

So he wants a night of child free time with you, and if that doesn't happen all plans are off? Hmm

Original poster
PeedOffGirlfriend · 19/05/2018 21:15

NeedForBlossom Exactly, that is how I feel. Coupled with what Sirzy asked, he hasn't stayed there before. I have mentioned it several times and we've discussed it and he has never seemed keen on the idea. But he still could have offered to come to me, which he has done on numerous occasions?

OP posts:
kissthealderman · 19/05/2018 21:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rocinante1 · 19/05/2018 21:17

Has he stayed overnight at yours with your son there before?
If he has, and there’s been no negative reaction from your son, then I don’t understand why he wouldn’t just come over again. But if you’ve never spent the night together with your son in the same house, then I completely understand him saying he couldn’t see you. That’s not the sort of step you take on a whim just because plans didn’t work out.

Original poster
PeedOffGirlfriend · 19/05/2018 21:18

Rocinante1 He has stayed here on many occasions. He has stayed for days at a time before as well, so no it's nothing to do with that Sad

kissthealderman No, he doesn't have children. I can't really comment on whether he likes them or not, I've only ever seen him interacting with my son which he seems to take an interest in.

OP posts:
ltk · 19/05/2018 21:19

How long have you been with your bf? How much interaction has he had with your son?

Louiselouie0890 · 19/05/2018 21:19

If you shouldn't have to why should he? He either doesn't want the child there or he's just not thought about it. Ask. Either way you get an answer.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 19/05/2018 21:19

If your son hasn't stayed there before, and your boyfriend seems nervous about planning to, it was unrealistic and unreasonable to expect him to suddenly want this to happen tonight.

To be honest; it sounds like you called to cancel. You said you wanted to see him but you had rowed with your sister and therefore didn't have childcare - that sounds like you're cancelling. And as it's your childcare that has fallen through, I'd expect you to be the one suggesting alternatives if you wanted to find some... otherwise it's very easy to see this is a cancellation, which it would be rude to push, and the "I really wanted to see you" bit as a pleasantry.

Original poster
PeedOffGirlfriend · 19/05/2018 21:20

ltk We've been together for 8 months, and he has had a lot of interaction with my son. As I said to a previous poster, he comes and stays for days at a time sometimes.

OP posts:
Kocerhan3 · 19/05/2018 21:25

YANBU

He's in a serious relationship, it's a practical answer to say both of you stay, and he should be just as interested in you as a mother and of your son as he is in you as a lover/partner. I would be pissed off. I would definitely expect him to offer both of you, even if it's get the boy to bed reasonable time and spend the rest of the evening snuggled on the sofa!! It's the time together that matters, whether it's two or the three of you. How annoying OP. Head home and have a movie night with your boy and turn your phone off!

Rocinante1 · 19/05/2018 21:28

In that case, I would have just said “my sister can’t watch my son, would you like to come to mine tonight - I can’t swing by and pick you up or you can come over later”. I wouldn’t have gone he route of the upset phone call about his it’s all so unfair. That’s ambiguous and sounds like a phone call to cancel, and to express your anger/upset mood. It’s silly to lay out the whole “I’m upset that I can’t” speech, simply because you want someone to offer to fix it. In future, just say what you actually want so he doesn’t need to navigate around what you’re saying to find out what you actually want.

Original poster
PeedOffGirlfriend · 19/05/2018 21:40

Yes I could have offered for him to come to me. But I feel as though, knowing how upset I was and the fact I would have to drive all the way home (MUCH further than from my sisters to his), he should have offered. I know I would have had the situations been reversed. He doesn't have children or responsibilities so its no issue for him to come to me.

OP posts:
Rocinante1 · 19/05/2018 21:49

I can’t stand game playing. A lot of people will say that he should have offered, and that he should have done whatever he could to still make the night happen, but if you won’t ask for what you want, and instead do the game playing and hope that he’ll offer, then why should he put up with that nonsense. He didn’t cause the problem, you fighting with your sister did, so you should be the one offering solutions. Maybe he just wasn’t in the mood to deal with drama; if it’s a regular thing.

Sirzy · 19/05/2018 21:58

8 months is no time. I can see why he didn’t think to make the offer really

madsiemoomoo · 19/05/2018 22:00

You are being completely unreasonable! The person you should be pissed off with is your sister who let you down not your boyfriend. You were the one letting him down by changing plans so why should he have to come up with an alternative, just because you don't feel you should have to. Stop being a princess and grow up - if you have an alternative suggest it, don't expect him to mind read

Ellendegeneres · 19/05/2018 22:05

Yabu. Been with my dp a lot longer than you’ve been with yours- he’s stayed over at mine maybe 3 times.
Not because he doesn’t like my kids, not because he’s inconsiderate to me or unkind but because he doesn’t want my dc to feel they’re fighting for my attention and wants our time to be just about us.

We’ve been away, I’ve stayed at his plenty. But if I want him to stay for whatever reason, I actually communicate it with him. We’re in it for the long haul anyway, I don’t want to live with him while my kids are so little- maybe your fella feels the same and wants to take it slower than you or wants you to actually communicate your wishes with him? The man isn’t a mind reader

Franklyyes · 19/05/2018 22:09

You have only been together 8 months - when did he first stay over?

Original poster
PeedOffGirlfriend · 19/05/2018 22:10

Franklyyes He's been staying over for a while now, since the new year. So its not something recent.

OP posts:
LoniceraJaponica · 19/05/2018 22:10

I agree with Rocinante1 about game playing. Your boyfriends was probably disappointed that you didn't invite him back to yours.

I don't understand why you didn't suggest it.

My SIL is like you. she expects everyone to know what she is thinking without actually telling them what she wants.

Original poster
PeedOffGirlfriend · 19/05/2018 22:13

LoniceraJaponica My boyfriend is not disappointed I didn't invite him. I've just asked him about this situation and he said he 'didn't want to pack a bag at 8pm and get on a train and then have to go home again on Monday.'

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 19/05/2018 22:15

It doesn't sound as though he wishes to engage on any level with your DS OP Hmm

are you planning a future together or is this just casual Flowers

Rocinante1 · 19/05/2018 22:16

That seems perfectly reasonable; I quite possibly wouldn’t want to pack a bag and head for a train at 8pm when it hadn’t been expected, and then have to get home again for Monday.

I think you’re going to have to accept that life with a kid can bring a lot of changes to plans and the occasional dissapointment, but you cannot expect everyone around you to just fall into line and change all their plans to suit you, even when they really don’t want too.