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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be pissed off with my boyfriend?

105 replies

PeedOffGirlfriend · 19/05/2018 21:04

I was meant to be staying at my boyfriends this evening, but when I went to drop my son off at my sisters house we had an argument and she refused to look after him. Cue me having to ring my boyfriend to explain how upset I was, that I had packed an overnight bag, didn't want to drive home, was really looking forward to seeing him etc.

He just said that 'he was looking forward to seeing me, and he's annoyed he can't, but there's nothing he can do'. I am pissed off because I feel as though he should have offered for both my self and my son to come over to his (we have spoken about this in the past and he also lives a lot nearer to my sister than I do) or offered to come to me. He did neither, just kept saying 'there was nothing he could do.'

I know that if he couldn't come to me, and I knew he was upset, I would offer travel to him (obviously if I found childcare or could bring my son). It's the fact he didn't even offer an alternative arrangement that pissed me off. And I know people are going to say, 'why didn't you suggest it to him that he comes to you', but the fact is I feel as though I shouldn't have to.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 19/05/2018 22:16

he said he 'didn't want to pack a bag at 8pm and get on a train and then have to go home again on Monday.

but he doesn't mind you having to do this ? Hmm

Rocinante1 · 19/05/2018 22:16

Maybe next time, just don’t fight with the person who has offered to look after your kid for you.

Rocinante1 · 19/05/2018 22:18

@Gemini69

She says he has stayed at hers a lot, so he obviously is happy to do it, but not at short notice when the plan had been for her to drive to his. She messed up the plans, she called him to complain and then expected him to fix it by massively inconveniencing himself. And they’ve only been together a short while.

Melliegrantfirstlady · 19/05/2018 22:19

Tbf I don’t think I’d want to get on a train at 8pm either

How many miles away is it?

Happinesss · 19/05/2018 22:19

'didn't want to pack a bag at 8pm and get on a train and then have to go home again on Monday.'

Well there’s your answer. You have only been together for 8 months. I wouldn’t be inviting my bf over with his kid if we had been together for that amount of time either

Original poster
PeedOffGirlfriend · 19/05/2018 22:22

Rocinante1 Yes I understand that not everyone has to change their plans to suit me. But I fail to see how packing a bag, getting on a train and coming to see me (when his plans for the weekend were to see me anyway) is a massive inconvenience. I packed bags for both myself and son, drove down to where he lives which is arguably more of an inconvenience.

I always try to think honestly about what I would do in a situation. Would I get the train to his at short notice if he was unable to come to me? Yes, because I love spending time with him, wouldn't want him to be upset and I'd rather have sometime than no time.

OP posts:
adaline · 19/05/2018 22:23

Why was he staying over with your son so soon into the relationship? Three months in is far too soon!

Anyway, maybe he doesn't want a child staying in his home? If he doesn't have children it won't be geared up to have your son overnight - where would he sleep, for example? What about food or making the house safe for him if he gets up in the night?

If you wanted to see him you should have invited him over. I wouldn't want to be getting on a train at 8pm at night if I was supposed to be staying at home, though. Why not suggest you pick him up?

Original poster
PeedOffGirlfriend · 19/05/2018 22:23

Melliegrantfirstlady It's about 40 minutes in the car, an hour on the train (probably less at this time of the evening). He literally lives 2 minutes from the station.

OP posts:
condepetie · 19/05/2018 22:24

This changes with him having to get public transport. That is not as easy as getting in the car. It involves a walk, and then an uncomfortable train ride, and then another walk.

Did you offer to pick him up, as you were close to him anyway? Did you ask if your son could come too?

Your sister is the one to be cross with, not your BF. Why did you argue in the first place?

Original poster
PeedOffGirlfriend · 19/05/2018 22:26

I have a ready bed that he knows about, I take it to my sisters with me - I've mentioned it when we've discussed us staying over with him/and my sister before.

OP posts:
Happinesss · 19/05/2018 22:27

Maybe don’t argue with your childcare just before your about to drop the child off ... it might help!

I defo wouldn’t get a train at 8pm at night either at Short notice

AskAuntLydia · 19/05/2018 22:27

Sounds like he's just not that into you, tbh.

Original poster
PeedOffGirlfriend · 19/05/2018 22:29

AskAuntLydia My gut instinct as well. At this stage in the relationship I feel that yes, you would get on a train at 8pm because you enjoy each others company so much. I would for him if the situation was reversed.

OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 19/05/2018 22:32

I wouldn't put all your eggs in his particular basket. The rights and wrongs of who should have done what are down to individual perspectives; neither of you are unreasonable but perhaps it's just not a long-term relationship.

LineyGrantDuff · 19/05/2018 22:35

Did your sister let you down for any particular reason? Sounds a bit shit all round, really.

LittleMe03 · 19/05/2018 22:36

8 months is not a long term relationship and for many is not a serious relationship after this length on time. He obviously doesn't avoid your DS if he has been to yours for days at a time with your son there too. I don't see the harm in him not wanting to change plans when he was looking forward to just spending time with you.

I think you sound a little immature to be upset by having to change plans for just one evening.

He's not said he doesn't want to see your DS ever and he has not said he wants to go weeks without seeing you Hmm it's one night. IMO you're over reacting.

UpstartCrow · 19/05/2018 22:36

Is he allowed to have children stay at his residence?

PerspicaciaTick · 19/05/2018 22:37

Did you actually say, out loud, that you still wanted to see him? Or were you hoping he would ask without you having to say anything?

Rocinante1 · 19/05/2018 22:37

If a relationship is stable enough to be staying over with a child involved, then you are well past the “do everything to please each other no matter how inconvenient” stage. He should be allowed too, and feel comfortable, saying that he doesn’t want to sit on a train for an hour at night when he was meant to be at home, especially considering you caused the problem.
You’re being very precious with the whole “I’m upset so he should come to me”. You’re not a child, no one died, there’s been no horrible event or emergency meaning you need comfort. You had a fight with your sister, big whoop. Why do you need to be confronted? And why so badly that he has to turn his night upside down to get there and hold your hand?

If the relationship is so strong, then you can skip the weekend and plan for another time. Stop expecting him to do everything you want. You sound exhausting.

Rocinante1 · 19/05/2018 22:38

*comforted

RedForFilth · 19/05/2018 22:42

If a relationship is stable enough to be staying over with a child involved, then you are well past the “do everything to please each other no matter how inconvenient” stage. absolutely this

Rocinante1 · 19/05/2018 22:43

You’ve made a big deal about how empathetic you are... but you’re really not. You caused the issue, you changed the plans, but he should be the one to deal with sorting out the consequences? And he doesn’t want to pack and travel etc (which is completely reasonable because getting the train at night, alone, at short notice is a pain in the ass) but you cannot see it from his point of view. You’re not empathetic; you just want the attention from him which is why you’d go to those silly lengths to rush round and hold his hand when nothing bad has actually happened, and why you expect him to drag himself out at a time when he was winding down for the night just to fix a problem you created. It’s drama mongering and attention seeking.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 19/05/2018 22:45

I think you are more invested in this relationship than he is OP, he stays for days, when he feels like it, but not tonight ...

GetOffTheTableMabel · 19/05/2018 22:46

You are not being particularly mature about this. And he’s not that into you.

kattekitt · 19/05/2018 22:47

Is he fed up of always having to travel to you? You say he’s stayed over lots at yours, maybe he just wants you to stay at his. He might be wondering about how invested you are when the only solution seems to be he come to you.

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