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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be pissed off with my boyfriend?

105 replies

PeedOffGirlfriend · 19/05/2018 21:04

I was meant to be staying at my boyfriends this evening, but when I went to drop my son off at my sisters house we had an argument and she refused to look after him. Cue me having to ring my boyfriend to explain how upset I was, that I had packed an overnight bag, didn't want to drive home, was really looking forward to seeing him etc.

He just said that 'he was looking forward to seeing me, and he's annoyed he can't, but there's nothing he can do'. I am pissed off because I feel as though he should have offered for both my self and my son to come over to his (we have spoken about this in the past and he also lives a lot nearer to my sister than I do) or offered to come to me. He did neither, just kept saying 'there was nothing he could do.'

I know that if he couldn't come to me, and I knew he was upset, I would offer travel to him (obviously if I found childcare or could bring my son). It's the fact he didn't even offer an alternative arrangement that pissed me off. And I know people are going to say, 'why didn't you suggest it to him that he comes to you', but the fact is I feel as though I shouldn't have to.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
PeedOffGirlfriend · 19/05/2018 22:49

Rocinante1 You seem to really be on a tirade on this thread. Actually I do see it from his point of view that it is late, and public transport is a pain in the arse at times (I'd like to point out we both live 2 minutes from the station either end). However, I have made the effort for him multiple times, including getting on public transport at short notice when we make plans sporadically. I think to say I am attention seeking is laughable, I couldn't be further from an attention seeker if I tried. I go to these 'silly lengths' because I love spending time with him, and appreciate every moment I get the opportunity to see him. Not because I have some attention seeking ulterior motive Hmm

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Doyoumind · 19/05/2018 22:53

Sorry, I know why you are pissed off but I think YABU.

He was expecting to have tonight and tomorrow at his. You call at 8pm, when he's just ready to settle down for the evening with you, having got yourself into an argument with your sister, telling him you're now cancelling. You didn't immediately ask him to come to yours but got annoyed with him for not offering. When you did ask him to come over you didn't accept his reason not to. He probably thinks you're not that in to him because you wanted to change the plans you'd made.

Kocerhan3 · 19/05/2018 22:56

I really feel people are looking into this too much?! It's not exactly "above and beyond" for him to be like "just come to mine with him" is it? It's a weekend, the relationship is in a place where the kid knows him, has stayed over before. He's being selfish if it hasn't crossed his mind to invite both of them over in my opinion. That's how I'd see it. She shouldn't have to ask, if he loves her and her son, why the bloody hell not offer? Still get to see her.

Rocinante1 · 19/05/2018 22:56

Making plans together at short notice is different from you calling up to say you have to change plans and want him to come to yours. And you didn’t even say that; you played a silly game of dropping the “I’m so upset” hint, and wanted him to read your mind and offer up a solution to a problem you created. It’s silly girls like you that give women a bad name - just say what you actually want and stop expecting people to read your mind. And stop creating drama where there is none. He didn’t want to change plans - sometimes people just don’t want to go out, or sit on a train, and that is perfectly ok. He is absolutely allowed to say no, and you need to just move on. You’re a mother; these situations come with the territory,

Original poster
PeedOffGirlfriend · 19/05/2018 22:59

Kocerhan3 This is how I feel.

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LittleMe03 · 19/05/2018 23:05

Op you only understand the opinions of those who agree with you

CocoaGin · 19/05/2018 23:09

In the early stages of a relationship, a guy should be crawling over hot coals to spend time with you. The fact he's chosen to stay home alone rather than get on a train speaks loudly that he's not that bothered. It would have been my first response "shall I come to you instead".

Perhaps you need to slow this down a bit OP, and take stock.

Original poster
PeedOffGirlfriend · 19/05/2018 23:09

LittleMe03 I've said numerous times that I can see why he wouldn't want to get the train, the inconvenience to him etc. I can't help that I feel the way I do, and I don't think I'm being unreasonable by being disappointed that he didn't offer for us to come round (at really, little inconvenience to him) or get a train at 8pm. I have always had an issue with feeling incredibly hurt and let down when things I know I would do for others aren't reciprocated in the same way.

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Doyoumind · 19/05/2018 23:12

Just to remind you again OP: you made plans and you changed them.

If the plan had been that he was coming to yours tonight and he called at 8pm to say actually he couldn't now, you would have been here on MN complaining and people would have agreed HWBU.

AskAuntLydia · 19/05/2018 23:13

Go with your gut feel, OP.

He's signalling that he's not that committed to you.

8 months is not a long time, it's still the honeymoon stage.

I wouldn't be particularly annoyed, I can see his POV,, but just don't expect too much from him

AskAuntLydia · 19/05/2018 23:15

Doyoumind I'm not sure people would not think that HWBU if the reason he couldn't be at her's was because he'd been let down by childcare. People would be asking "if it was so important to you, why didn't you ask him to come over with his child?"

LegallyBrunet · 19/05/2018 23:15

I think YABU. If my partner expected me to haul myself over to his at short notice on public transport at 8pm at night the answer would be a resounding no. It’s a long bus journey and at that time I just couldn’t be bothered to be honest. Also the buses in my area start finishing around that time so it may not even be possible. If my partner started making hints about him and his child staying over again it would be a no unless it was an absolute emergency. My living arrangements just aren’t suitable for a child as I’m a student.

Original poster
PeedOffGirlfriend · 19/05/2018 23:16

Doyoumind Not really because I would have tried to make alternative plans, if not tonight then for the rest of the weekend. I wouldn't have just said 'oh well' and decided we weren't going to see each other.

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LittleMe03 · 19/05/2018 23:18

Well could he not come over tomorrow morning? Have you asked?

Original poster
PeedOffGirlfriend · 19/05/2018 23:18

LegallyBrunet Transport stops at 1am here. His living arrangements are not unsuitable to have a child staying.

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Original poster
PeedOffGirlfriend · 19/05/2018 23:19

LittleMe03 Yes I have mentioned tomorrow, he doesn't want to get the train and pack a bag when he'd have to leave again on Monday.

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Etino · 19/05/2018 23:19

How old is your son? I wonder what it was like for him, going to his Aunties to stay, then not, then I guess hearing you trying to make other arrangements.

Doyoumind · 19/05/2018 23:21

She wasn't let down by childcare though. There was an argument. We don't know the nature of the argument and what OP's role in it was and whether it could have been avoided. Perhaps if she was that bothered about seeing him she wouldn't have got into an argument that prevented it.

Rocinante1 · 19/05/2018 23:22

Did you even think about your kid in all this? Theyre in a ready-bed, not a travel cot so old enough to have told them where they where staying etc.

Your child was expecting to stay at Aunts house. That fell apart (and I assume the argument happened in front of the child) and then you wanted to just drag them to a home they’ve never stayed at before, and plonk them down to sleep in a room they’ve never stayed in before... all at night. That is not the way to introduce your child into staying at your boyfriends house. All in a rush, with an argument still in their mind, with all your negative feelings and upset flying around. All the confusion of th8nking they were staying with auntie and then they’re staying in a strange place. Of course your bf was right not to offer that.

The first time you take your child to stay at your bfs should be calm, with time for your child to play and get used to their surroundings. It should not be done the way you were hoping for tonight. Your bf was right to not let it happen.

Original poster
PeedOffGirlfriend · 19/05/2018 23:23

The argument was not my fault. My sister was being spiteful in not having my son to stay over because of a prior disagreement weeks ago that she still hasn't let go of. She's the type to hold onto things and bring them up at her convenience.

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Original poster
PeedOffGirlfriend · 19/05/2018 23:23

Rocinante1 I don't have arguments in front of my child.

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LittleMe03 · 19/05/2018 23:24

Op then just make arrangements with your boy and take him out for the day or something. Or tell your boyfriend you miss him and could you and your son go to his for the day, or all go out for the day together?

Rocinante1 · 19/05/2018 23:24

You’re just thinking about yourself. I’m not hearing any concern for your child, or consideration for the position you put your boyfriend in.

It sounds very much like a relationship with you is hard work if this is your reaction to one missed night.

Rocinante1 · 19/05/2018 23:26

You know she doesn’t need to look after your child, right? Your kid, your responsibility. And the way you’re talking about her, doesn’t sound like someone who is appreciative of the help they get. Only pissed off when they don’t get their way.

Original poster
PeedOffGirlfriend · 19/05/2018 23:29

Rocinante1 I'm not sure what you hope to gain from this tirade again? With respect, you don't know me at all other than what is written in a few paragraphs on this thread. Yet you've made an entire character profile of me! We both do each other favours in every aspect of our lives, including childcare, cat sitting, sharing workloads.

I think you've missed the whole point of the thread. My reaction isn't about, 'one missed night'. It's about my partners reaction and my expectations. There's been many missed nights because of illness and the like (both on my part and his), none of which have bothered me.

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