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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be pissed off with my boyfriend?

105 replies

PeedOffGirlfriend · 19/05/2018 21:04

I was meant to be staying at my boyfriends this evening, but when I went to drop my son off at my sisters house we had an argument and she refused to look after him. Cue me having to ring my boyfriend to explain how upset I was, that I had packed an overnight bag, didn't want to drive home, was really looking forward to seeing him etc.

He just said that 'he was looking forward to seeing me, and he's annoyed he can't, but there's nothing he can do'. I am pissed off because I feel as though he should have offered for both my self and my son to come over to his (we have spoken about this in the past and he also lives a lot nearer to my sister than I do) or offered to come to me. He did neither, just kept saying 'there was nothing he could do.'

I know that if he couldn't come to me, and I knew he was upset, I would offer travel to him (obviously if I found childcare or could bring my son). It's the fact he didn't even offer an alternative arrangement that pissed me off. And I know people are going to say, 'why didn't you suggest it to him that he comes to you', but the fact is I feel as though I shouldn't have to.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Rocinante1 · 19/05/2018 23:33

What did you hope to gain from this? You’ve only accepted and listened to the few posters who agree with you, but you’ve argued against or ignored the large number of posters telling you that your behaviour here wasn’t good.

You don’t want another viewpoint, you just want people to agree with you. So why ask if you’re being unreasonable when you’re not prepared to accept that you are.

Your expectations here are completely out of whack with the real world. You either wanted to drag your kid to a strange environment and put them to sleep, or get your bf to drag himself out to sit on a train for an hour - and you still don’t see that you’re being unreasonable?

Original poster
PeedOffGirlfriend · 19/05/2018 23:38

Rocinante1 Or come and visit us over the course of an entire weekend? I've argued against because I don't agree that it's out of realms of being reasonable to get on a train at 8pm, in a new relationship when you should be chomping at the bit to see them. I've actually come to learn from this thread that perhaps my standards are far too high as I expect people to treat me as I would them, which is only a recipe for disaster.

I've ignored a large number of your posts because you've called me an attention seeker, ungrateful, intimated that I am a bad mother and don't put my child first, among other things. None of which are conducive to good or helpful advice.

OP posts:
WhatisaNarwhal · 19/05/2018 23:38

I’m with @Rocinante ... I can imagine how this will have been for your child, because I was a child in a very similar position many times. And I was hyper aware that my needs came secondary to my mothers need for male attention.

It’s fucked me up hugely, just FYI.

LovingLola · 19/05/2018 23:38

It's the child who has my sympathy. Not either of the adults.

WhatisaNarwhal · 19/05/2018 23:38

Also you say in your last post that it’s a new relationship. therefore doubly inappropriate to be schlapping your son over there

Original poster
PeedOffGirlfriend · 19/05/2018 23:40

*Relatively new relationship.

OP posts:
WhatisaNarwhal · 19/05/2018 23:40

Oh and just finally, if you really “expect people to treat me as I would them” - then maybe apply this to your son.

How pleased would you be, to be treated like your son in all of this?

WhatisaNarwhal · 19/05/2018 23:41

No hun, you said “in a new relationship” not “relatively new”. At 8 months, you had it right first time.

Original poster
PeedOffGirlfriend · 19/05/2018 23:42

WhatisaNarwhal You don't know anything about my sons position in any of this. He wasn't aware of the argument and wasn't aware of the situation with my boyfriend. As far as he was concerned he'd had a lovely day but wasn't able to stay over in the end. No tears or upset upon leaving my sisters nor driving home. Nothing more sinister than that.

OP posts:
Rocinante1 · 19/05/2018 23:44

So where was your son sitting when you made the upset phone call to your bf? If your sister wasn’t having him, then surely he was in the car with you while you called? Children do pick up in that sort of thing. And you wanted to follow it up with taking him to a strange house and telling him to go to sleep, all so you could have your attention.

WhatisaNarwhal · 19/05/2018 23:44

I can guess enough @girlfriend . I’m not projecting. You sound EXACTLY like my mother.

I’m a LP to a boy. I’m raising him with respect - for him; his needs come before my relationship desires- and to show him respect for women. That includes showing him that strong women are not devastated when a boyfriend of 8 months cba to swing by.

WhatisaNarwhal · 19/05/2018 23:46

... and that they don’t get narked when they can’t swan off for a weekend shagging or whatever, because childcare falls through.

Doyoumind · 19/05/2018 23:46

You expect him to be "chomping at the bit" to see you, but you cancelled at the last minute. That's why I can't understand why you think you're entitled to be annoyed.

I agree it's unfair to drag your DS around in all of this.

Original poster
PeedOffGirlfriend · 19/05/2018 23:46

Rocinante1 I made the phone call to my boyfriend in the car, whilst my son was still at my sisters. I'm quite aware of children picking up on conversations. My sister and I are able to differentiate our disagreements from our children, they knew nothing of our argument.

OP posts:
WhatisaNarwhal · 19/05/2018 23:47

But you do you hun. Suspect you won’t listen to anyone here who disagrees with you.

Original poster
PeedOffGirlfriend · 19/05/2018 23:48

WhatisaNarwhal You couldn't be more patronising if you tried. Despite knowing nothing about me, my parenting or my son you have decided I MUST be like your mother 'hun'.

OP posts:
LittleMe03 · 19/05/2018 23:48

You're drip feeding now. Or changing parts of the story/truth.

Rocinante1 · 19/05/2018 23:50

Of course you did. Your sister who, the last time you commented about her, holds grudges and throws things up from weeks ago to spite you was also kind enough to look after your child whilst you went off to the car and cried to your bf... not buying it. Your story shifts a little each time someone challenges something, and your claims don’t fit together.

Look, you’re the one with the kid. Your childcare fell through. Your boyfriend quite rightly didn’t want to have your child stay over for the first time under those forced conditions, and also didn’t want to come out at night after winding down from the day. The simplest solution, and most mature, is to see each other another time. But you’re throwing a tantrum.

RedForFilth · 19/05/2018 23:51

The fact that you even wanted to take your son there last minute with no preparation shows your priorities are off.

I've been seeing my boyfriend for over a year but haven't had sleepovers with our kids there as we're taking it steady because we both share the same values of putting our children first. When we do decide to do it I'll tell my son we've been invited for a sleepover if he fancies it and go from there.

Original poster
PeedOffGirlfriend · 19/05/2018 23:52

I'm drip feeding because people are assuming certain parts of the scenario like my son must have been present throughout all of this despite that not being the case at all. I know I am a good mother, my son always comes first. The alternative is driving back to our home and getting into bed ridiculously late, not an ideal situation either way.

OP posts:
Rocinante1 · 19/05/2018 23:52

And your tantrum is all after you didn’t even ask him to come over or ask if you could take your son with you to his. You played the “I’m so upset” nonsense, and hoped he’d start going “oh, you can do this, or you can do this”. If you wanted an alternative, it was your job to propose one. It’s not his job to fix your problems.

Original poster
PeedOffGirlfriend · 19/05/2018 23:54

Im off to bed now, I don't need validation from strangers off the internet about my parenting. I know I am a damn good mother and my son comes first and ultimately that is all that matters.

OP posts:
Leopoldstotch · 19/05/2018 23:56

IF you don't need validation then why post at all? You sound very immature. Your priorities sound messed up to me

WhatisaNarwhal · 19/05/2018 23:57

Nah I'm 'hunning' you ironically.

You came here looking for a 'your bbz your rulez hun' response and you got a bitter dose of truth - which is that this hasn't been a shit night for you - it's been a shit night for your son.

How's this for patronising - Go give him a cuddle and look at him as a little boy, rather than a bit of extra luggage to offload, so you can go hang out with your NEW boyfriend .

MsPavlichenko · 20/05/2018 00:09

Your son thought he was staying with his aunty? Yes? Whatever the ins and outs of your argument with your sister it isn't good for plans to be changed like this at the last moment. I don't accept he is completely unaware of the situation as you suggest. Leaving him in the car is strange in itself.

Re your boyfriend. Be direct. Always the best approach ime. You know where you stand and can make decisions on that basis.