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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel undermined by colleague

271 replies

boilerhouse2007 · 19/05/2018 08:14

I am a secondary school teacher, anyway there is this young colleague who is in the next room to me and yea she is lovely to the kids, something that just is not in my personality as much and this is a tough secondary school. Anyway, yesterday i was taking a troublesome girl down to my class for detention when the girl started walking and half ignoring me. I told her to come back and colleague appears in front of the boss and uses her soft voice to get the girl back when i wanted to handle it myself. This was all in front of boss too who was in earshot and i was so angry at her interference as i have had words with this colleague before over her interference buut do not want any more conflict and i just felt she stepped in. What do you think?

OP posts:
Original poster
boilerhouse2007 · 19/05/2018 14:31

''My analysis of this situation is that you and this other teacher perceive your roles differently in the school. She may see herself as part of a team working towards a common goal, whereas you think it is important to have sole authority over the students you teach. ''

part of the problem is her arrogance, example in meeting ''oh she/he is an angel for me.'' when other teachers struggle with them. Also i have heard her criticising other staff ''for upsetting pupils'' by getting cross with them when i know that said said pupils are not angelic and the teacher was just doing their job. Yet she acts like the students can do no wrong ever.

OP posts:
hayfever · 19/05/2018 14:31

The way you write makes me think you're not a teacher.

Original poster
boilerhouse2007 · 19/05/2018 14:34

''If you're not aware of how you come across, then you're lacking in self awareness. Have you looked into psychotherapy, so you can get an insight into why you act the way you do? ''

clearly mate you need to come down from the moral high ground, you bashed me in your 1st post for students not respecting me as i had to ring their parents over their behaviour?? And now you say i am aggressive in my tome?? Hypocritical? Even another poster came in after and rebuked you, if you have the answer by all means share them here.

OP posts:
Bud222 · 19/05/2018 14:35

I can assume that he's probably a TA, as opposed to an actual teacher.

It's just the way he's writing really doesn't suggest to me that he's qualified to teach - and if he is, then I'd be worried.

Original poster
boilerhouse2007 · 19/05/2018 14:36

''The way you write makes me think you're not a teacher.''

im on mumset, its not professional so spag is not a deal here to me

OP posts:
number1wang · 19/05/2018 14:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KatieKittens · 19/05/2018 14:43

Op, don’t let your colleagues relationships with her students frustrate you.
If she is arrogant, don’t let it wind you up. As an adult and as a teacher you should be able to have control over how you react emotionally to a situation. It’s a skill to learn and practice. You could consider accessing some counselling or CBT if you need support with this.

Think about your teaching practice and let her get on with hers.

In terms of professional development, I recommend the reflective practitioner course on the link I posted.

Best of luck

Original poster
boilerhouse2007 · 19/05/2018 14:55

''Op, don’t let your colleagues relationships with her students frustrate you. ''

thanks for all your support KatieKittens. Much appreciated. In relation to above comment, it is not so much her relationship with her students that bothers me, it's when she interferes with mine as i just cannot compare to her and then it becomes good cop bad cop.

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Original poster
boilerhouse2007 · 19/05/2018 14:56

''I feel for you OP. I’ve RTFT and your depression seems very obvious. You are heavily personalising both your difficulties with dealing with challenging behaviour and the character of the teacher who you think is undermining you. I don’t think more tips and courses would help you at the moment, as you are locked into the mindset of thinking everything is futile. I think a trip to your GP, if you haven’t been already, would be a good start and I wonder if all is well at home, or whether you have an emotionally draining family life as well.''

you have summed up everything really well here.

OP posts:
Goldenbear · 19/05/2018 15:07

Is your colleague a teacher at 22 with 4 children?

I work in schools but not as a teacher, I am from a different profession but happen to work in that context. I have my own office and need to due to the work I carry out but it's not like any other environment I've ever worked in- there is a level of anticipation that sets people on edge as there is lots of extremes in emotions - high or low that you just don't get when you work with adults. In my position I don't have anything to do with education, the children even but even I am on edge when I hear the bell go, particularly for lunch as my office is opposite the loos, along a corridor that not many teachers frequent so there's lots of obnoxious behaviour, general highly spirited outbursts. I think it must be stressful having to deal with this but I suppose there's a level of expectation that you will have to when you're training to be a teacher. I personally am unsure whether it's for me as a person in an entirely different profession as I find the whole atmosphere het up and institutional. For example, I don't think I'm ever going to get used to having to sign out for lunch, not be able to get a coffee as it's locked up in the staff room. It sounds to me like you've reached the end of your tolerance for this kind of environment- could you make a lateral move?

Original poster
boilerhouse2007 · 19/05/2018 15:12

my colleague is around 22ish-no kids.

i am mid 40s with 4 kids.

OP posts:
Goldenbear · 19/05/2018 15:15

Oh sorry, didn't catch that.

SmileEachDay · 19/05/2018 15:25

Your reaction to posters who are being understanding and kind to you is very different to your reaction to posters who are being combatative.

Original poster
boilerhouse2007 · 19/05/2018 15:28

i do not get where this combative thing came from, i simply asked questions over people who questioned me and asked for suggestions and this is seen as combative? I was never combative with you and thought you were sound and helpful so why are you bringing this up now?

OP posts:
SmileEachDay · 19/05/2018 15:31

It was just an observation, OP

Original poster
boilerhouse2007 · 19/05/2018 15:36

ok well im open to tips, i am defensive as i work in a school that does not make students accountable for behaviour and asks staff to change their ways and that angers me, i suppose that is why i have become defensive.

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Original poster
boilerhouse2007 · 19/05/2018 15:38

It angers me too that people mollycuddle kids even through bad behaviour and they get away with it. It is like i want the making excuses or brushing stuff under the carpet culture to stop. I have had students physically abuse me before and set out to humilate me [same with colleagues[ and slt did little and im bitter about this way of dealing with it.

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kaitlinktm · 19/05/2018 15:50

In a similar situation (pupil being defiant and walking off) but for different reasons (pupil likely to lose it even more with another MOS who came along to "support") I found it useful to just speak to them in the way teachers do to each other in front of pupils. "Thank you for your help Ms X but really if isn't prepared to do what I as their classroom teacher ask, then I need to contact their parents, as I am sure they would want to know. Please don't let this interrupt your class/meeting/work (whatever)". It mostly worked for me anyway.

I feel that you are being given a hard time on here - but then that's AIBU for you. I agree with a lot of what KatieKittens has said and I would urge you to go and have a word with your GP - over half term if you can't get an earlier appointment. Teaching is a hard job and you sound exhausted.

KatieKittens · 19/05/2018 15:52

I’ve just read back over this thread.

Is there a lesson to be learned somewhere here ( pardon the pun!) Grin

Your reaction to posters who are being understanding and kind to you is very different to your reaction to posters who are being combatative.

It’s interesting how people have perceived the posts here and reacted to them. And we are not even teenagers ( although this is AIBU!)

OP, I wish you all the best with everything. My advice is to let this go for the time being and think about what would help you moving forward. Don’t get stuck in a rut, and don’t feel as though you have to be. Seek support out there in the real world, I’m afraid you won’t find it here.

Original poster
boilerhouse2007 · 19/05/2018 15:54

''In a similar situation (pupil being defiant and walking off) but for different reasons (pupil likely to lose it even more with another MOS who came along to "support") I found it useful to just speak to them in the way teachers do to each other in front of pupils. "Thank you for your help Ms X but really if isn't prepared to do what I as their classroom teacher ask, then I need to contact their parents, as I am sure they would want to know. Please don't let this interrupt your class/meeting/work (whatever)". It mostly worked for me anyway.''

Thank you, really that would be good, that would have being really good strategy. Also i am puzzled as to why ppl here think i was out of order over saying i'd ring her parents?The same people still have not given me an alternative solution.

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Original poster
boilerhouse2007 · 19/05/2018 15:56

''I’ve just read back over this thread.

Is there a lesson to be learned somewhere here ( pardon the pun!) grin

Your reaction to posters who are being understanding and kind to you is very different to your reaction to posters who are being combatative.

It’s interesting how people have perceived the posts here and reacted to them. And we are not even teenagers ( although this is AIBU!)''

What did you find interesting?

OP posts:
Original poster
boilerhouse2007 · 19/05/2018 16:05

''You come across as one of those teachers because you're aggressive, defensive and refuse to listen to anything you don't want to hear. You're bullish and rude. That's why you come across as one of those teachers.

(And my partner is a teacher. Unlike you he's able to manage his classes and has the respect of his students, all despite having a different accent to them.)''

If you read back at your posts think that is a case of pot calling the kettle black, even the fact that another poster called you out should tell you too that your tone infuriated people. Also your partner may be good in the classroom but he clearly is bad at choosing a woman with trash like you [ now that is me being bullish and rude- seen as you labelled me with it i may as well be it towards you]

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 19/05/2018 16:16

I think you need to see it not as your colleague undermining you, but as her supporting you, for I expect that was her intention.

Maybe you can support her in some way why you notice something isn't flowing easily for her?

KatieKittens · 19/05/2018 16:18

This has now taken a personal and nasty turn.

Op, the point I was getting at was that people respond well to someone who listens and offers support and will say thank you.

Perhaps I was one of the ‘good cops’ or “appeasers” on the thread as I listened to you and responded instead of throwing criticism you way which was by no means helpful.

This may have been what you consider a “soft approach” in your colleagues, but you found it helpful. That is what I meant, although I admit I wasn’t particularly clear and expected you to join the dots.

Original poster
boilerhouse2007 · 19/05/2018 16:19

''Maybe you can support her in some way why you notice something isn't flowing easily for her?''

that's the thing though-it ALWAYS does. That may sound petty but she is exhausting to be around as all she will ever talk about is how well the worst kids behave for her and they are all ''little darlings...they never give me any bother''. Even other staff have given out about her.

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