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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel undermined by colleague

271 replies

boilerhouse2007 · 19/05/2018 08:14

I am a secondary school teacher, anyway there is this young colleague who is in the next room to me and yea she is lovely to the kids, something that just is not in my personality as much and this is a tough secondary school. Anyway, yesterday i was taking a troublesome girl down to my class for detention when the girl started walking and half ignoring me. I told her to come back and colleague appears in front of the boss and uses her soft voice to get the girl back when i wanted to handle it myself. This was all in front of boss too who was in earshot and i was so angry at her interference as i have had words with this colleague before over her interference buut do not want any more conflict and i just felt she stepped in. What do you think?

OP posts:
Original poster
boilerhouse2007 · 19/05/2018 09:19

''But the student was already not following your instructions, so perhaps you need to deal with things differently so that students do as you tell them straight away?''

no the student has done this to me before and always complies if i threaten to call parents which is my trick with this student until the colleague stepped in.

OP posts:
Original poster
boilerhouse2007 · 19/05/2018 09:24

''I wouldn't have liked this either. It is a bit like a naughty child running from mummy to daddy because they know daddy will let them away with more shenanigans, and daddy encouraging this.''

yep you summed it up, there was a colleague in the dept two years ago who did this, i never said anything though resented him while i later heard that 2 other teachers had confronted him over it and telling him to back off. It's what they call 'the appeasers'.

OP posts:
Acopyofacopy · 19/05/2018 09:25

You need to have a polite word with your colleague. Thank her for her help but point out that it is undermining your authority and in the future could she refrain from stepping in unless asked for help. Job done.

cricketballs3 · 19/05/2018 09:25

As a secondary teacher for too many years than I like to think about I would not view this as undermining but supporting. There are, and always be, students who will only respond to certain teachers and your colleague aided you to ensure the detention you gave was carried out - it would have been undermining if your colleague had over turned the punishment.

Slartybartfast · 19/05/2018 09:26

Raise it with your boss, if it continues to happen.

DumbledoresApprentice · 19/05/2018 09:29

I’m a teacher. I also agree that other teachers stepping in like this to back up colleagues is totally normal and works really well in supportive schools. I would have done the same as her and I’m not especially young or gentle. The vast majority of teachers at my school will stop and step in if a child is being disrespectful to another member of staff. I’m not sure what the problem is. She didn’t totally take over, just got the girl to go back to you as you’d asked.

Original poster
boilerhouse2007 · 19/05/2018 09:29

''You need to have a polite word with your colleague. Thank her for her help but point out that it is undermining your authority and in the future could she refrain from stepping in unless asked for help. Job done.''

that's the problem. in have twice before but this colleague is in with management so i just look like the troublemaker if i rock the boat.

OP posts:
donquixotedelamancha · 19/05/2018 09:30

-yea she is better at it, but that is her personality, soft and gentle

This is nothing to do with personality, it's just strategy. Kids are much more likely to comply for someone they have a relationship with. You can't be an effective teacher if you can't build relationships.

Of course you can't use the 'soft' approach with all kids all the time, but if it will work, then it's better. She's only undermining you if she doesn't have the same expectations about behaviour.

I have very high expectations of behaviour and am about as far from a fluffy NQT as you can get- but you have to vary your strategy and use what works.

Original poster
boilerhouse2007 · 19/05/2018 09:32

'' I’m not sure what the problem is. She didn’t totally take over, just got the girl to go back to you as you’d asked.''

it's because she did it in front of boss and i had a handle on it. Boss is very like her too [soft and gentle and young] so now i look like the baddie.

OP posts:
TheFallenMadonna · 19/05/2018 09:32

You need to move schools OP.

Firgoodnesssake · 19/05/2018 09:34

Op, can you not just be thankful that she supported you by getting he child to comply - otherwise you could have been really shown up in front of the boss.

I feel your teacher colleague wanted to be nasty to you, she could have done nothing and the boss would have seen you having difficulty controlling the situation.

Don’t sweat the small stuff and try not be be so precious

Original poster
boilerhouse2007 · 19/05/2018 09:36

''This is nothing to do with personality, it's just strategy. Kids are much more likely to comply for someone they have a relationship with. You can't be an effective teacher if you can't build relationships. ''

and i do build relationships-never as good as her but that's just the way it is as she's simply better at it. Hope i've got that across enough incase people thinking i'm jealous-course i am-she's perfect but not for a second do i begrudge her and i genuinely wish her every success, i just wish she would let me do my thing and back off at times.

OP posts:
Original poster
boilerhouse2007 · 19/05/2018 09:37

''Op, can you not just be thankful that she supported you by getting he child to comply - otherwise you could have been really shown up in front of the boss.

I feel your teacher colleague wanted to be nasty to you, she could have done nothing and the boss would have seen you having difficulty controlling the situation.''

that's the thing though-she did show me up heavily to the boss.

OP posts:
DumbledoresApprentice · 19/05/2018 09:38

What do you mean by boss? The Head? SLT line manager? HOD?
Not a single one of those people in my school would think anything lesss of a teacher just because they saw two colleagues cooperating to get a child into detention. It happens every day at my school. Sometimes I’m the person stepping in and at other times people step in to support me. We are a team.
Either you are massively overthinking this or the management at your school are far too judgemental.

LakieLady · 19/05/2018 09:38

students usually instantly comply with her as she has an inherent softness i do not have

I'm firmly of the opinion that a "soft" approach usually works best, and if it doesn't, then it's not too late to try the stern one. This applies equally to small children, training dogs, and managing staff.

It's easy to fake, I can do it even when I'm livid inside. Maybe you should give it a try. I wouldn't feel undermined, I'd try and learn from it.

donquixotedelamancha · 19/05/2018 09:39

i just wish she would let me do my thing and back off at times.

I think you have to suck it up. I wouldn't let a kid walk past me if they were walking off from a colleague and you shouldn't expect her to.

If she actually comes and takes over, then you have an issue.

Turnitupdrhill · 19/05/2018 09:39

You've mentioned her youth several times and her appearance. Is that part of the issue?

kaitlinktm · 19/05/2018 09:41

I do know what you mean - the pupil really has defied you and has only complied because a member of staff she likes better has intervened. It makes you feel like shit I know. It is hard to explain to non-teachers as I can't think of exactly the same scenario in a non-teaching role. The pupil has managed not to get into trouble, because she followed the instruction while simultaneously giving you a kick up the backside because she didn't follow your instruction. So the next time she kicks off you have a higher wall to climb.

As a colleague though I can't think that on some level she knows she has undermined you. She must know that by doing this in front of your line manager she has made herself look good to your detriment - which isn't true teamwork imo.

ThenCameTheFools · 19/05/2018 09:41

" i do not mean any disrespect here but i think alot of ppl here who are not in the profession are struggling to see my point"

Been teaching for 26 years come September.

And nope, don't see your point.

donquixotedelamancha · 19/05/2018 09:41

You've mentioned her youth several times and her appearance. Is that part of the issue?

Look I think we can all sense the underlying sexual tension here, but it's clear OP doesn't want to face her feelings yet :-)

diddl · 19/05/2018 09:41

"that's the thing though-she did show me up heavily to the boss."

No, the boss could already see that the student was ignoring you!

Original poster
boilerhouse2007 · 19/05/2018 09:42

but it's not the approach, it's her-she is younger, very soft voice, much better looking, everything about her kids will like. I am hardened looking and have a strong Scottish accent- I cannot change that. We are totally different people. Kids and people in general like her more, I cannot change that.

OP posts:
Slartybartfast · 19/05/2018 09:43

Just good cop bad cop scenario.

moofeatures · 19/05/2018 09:43

What subject do you teach? I'm slightly scared by your (lack of) punctuation Confused

junebirthdaygirl · 19/05/2018 09:45

I understand this as l am a teacher. She had no business getting involved.
Im laughing at allthe people saying its no problem . If you were correcting your child and your mil stepped in to take over and leave you standing like a fool you would not like it. In school we are in loca parentis( spelling!!) so people need to look at this through a parents eyes. Often here we hear moms upset when some one steps in while there are discipling their child.
If l was the boss l would see through this and not be too impressed with teacher interfering with a colleague.

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