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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel undermined by colleague

271 replies

boilerhouse2007 · 19/05/2018 08:14

I am a secondary school teacher, anyway there is this young colleague who is in the next room to me and yea she is lovely to the kids, something that just is not in my personality as much and this is a tough secondary school. Anyway, yesterday i was taking a troublesome girl down to my class for detention when the girl started walking and half ignoring me. I told her to come back and colleague appears in front of the boss and uses her soft voice to get the girl back when i wanted to handle it myself. This was all in front of boss too who was in earshot and i was so angry at her interference as i have had words with this colleague before over her interference buut do not want any more conflict and i just felt she stepped in. What do you think?

OP posts:
SmileEachDay · 19/05/2018 11:10

Hmm.
I wonder if you do that at work? Matching sharp/aggressive teenage behaviour with equally sharp behaviour of your own?

Original poster
boilerhouse2007 · 19/05/2018 11:12

I possibly do but it's in my inherent personality, kids target me because of who i am, i'm not very good at it i suppose. kids do not respect me as much as colleagues.

OP posts:
SmileEachDay · 19/05/2018 11:14

I’m not sure what you mean by inherent personality- I mean, everyone has different styles of teaching, but dealing with behaviour is about having a strategy, not reacting emotionally.

Original poster
boilerhouse2007 · 19/05/2018 11:17

it is meant to be inherent personally to get stressed and react emotionally. i just struggle with it all.

OP posts:
nakedscientist · 19/05/2018 11:23

You sound like you are struggling.

Getting a bit of help won't mean you are weak.

Good luck OP

Maelstrop · 19/05/2018 11:23

i have being tempted to resign several times and have being seriously close to it, ive been in the school 5 years now. My problem is my confidence is at an all time low, i feel stuck.

In my latest school (I’ve been teaching a similar time to you), my confidence has been massively knocked, mostly due to lack of support from new inexperienced boss who thinks he knows what’s best then makes major fuck ups that affect student progress/teachers’ ability to do their jobs). At an interview for a new job, I was told it was the best lesson they’d seen in years. I have no idea if that was true or they just really wanted me, but it worked a treat, confidence is back.

You need to a) have words with her and be very straight about how she has undermined you, she must not do it again and b) get out quick. There are 16 pages for my subject on the TES currently.

SmileEachDay · 19/05/2018 11:24

That’s not personality- that’s a training issue! Depends if you want to change your strategy though really - you seemed very critical of your colleague’s approach?

Original poster
boilerhouse2007 · 19/05/2018 11:45

I'm critical of her interference-not her approach. She has a much gentler nature ''come darling'' and softer tone [i'm middle aged glasgow man's accent] so she has resources i don't have. Again i do not begrudge her being better than me-she is and i wish her well but it's her interference.

OP posts:
SmileEachDay · 19/05/2018 11:46

But do you want to change your approach to one that a) works better and b) is less stressful for you?

Original poster
boilerhouse2007 · 19/05/2018 11:50

well what do i do exactly? These are difficult kids, I cannot get by with calling kids 'sweetheart, precious and darling''. She indulges them which if i did i'd be done for grooming.

OP posts:
SmileEachDay · 19/05/2018 11:57

You learn how to de escalate behaviour. Research some training courses in your area. Learn about teenage behaviour.

SmileEachDay · 19/05/2018 11:58

And you are critical of her approach. “Indulges” is a hugely pejorative word.

Original poster
boilerhouse2007 · 19/05/2018 12:00

yes well she does indulge them but i cannot use this approach as i am a man. What i personally think about her own approach is not really relevant .

OP posts:
Original poster
boilerhouse2007 · 19/05/2018 12:01

''You learn how to de escalate behaviour. Research some training courses in your area. Learn about teenage behaviour.''

i have done them and like most teacher i talk to they agree that such courses and such books are complete rubbish and unrealistic.

OP posts:
SmileEachDay · 19/05/2018 12:08

But until you stop seeing behavioural management as a win/lose strong/weak thing, you’re probably not going to want to adopt any of them.

Original poster
boilerhouse2007 · 19/05/2018 12:10

ok thanks but in our school either the stern approach or the indulging approach works, i cant get either right.

OP posts:
Original poster
boilerhouse2007 · 19/05/2018 12:15

i feel lost tbh, too late now to improve things in my current school and feel it is time to bow out

OP posts:
SmileEachDay · 19/05/2018 12:15

Good luck, OP.

If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you get.

Original poster
boilerhouse2007 · 19/05/2018 12:17

are you a teacher?

OP posts:
SmileEachDay · 19/05/2018 12:18

Me?

Yep.

Original poster
boilerhouse2007 · 19/05/2018 12:22

ok and without using any online advise how do you think i should handle awkward kids?

OP posts:
DoinItForTheKids · 19/05/2018 12:23

I am sorry OP that you feel this way. I think it's clear from the post even without you confirming it, you've come to the end of your tether and to the extent of thinking of leaving teaching.

Sadly that may be the only option but in highlighting the colleagues approach and how effective it was but being antagonistic even about your response to a suggestion to look at it and examine it and see what you can take from what YOU said, then there is only the option of go - or change YOUR approach, your words.

I am so sorry you feel lost in your job - that's horrible for anyone and I really hope you can figure out how to move things forward in a happy way for yourself whether that involves continuing in teaching or not.

Could it be OP that you'd do better in a different educational setting where pupils are expected to (and do) behave pretty much at all times? Some people aren't able to tolerate the setup where kids answer back and bugger off out of lessons and if that's needed in your current school, and if you can't make any changes to yourself, is there any possibility of falling back in love with teaching somewhere else?

If you can't see that what you said could have been interpreted as confrontational then I'm not sure you would be able to change - unless you really want to and feel motivated to.

SmileEachDay · 19/05/2018 12:29

ok and without using any online advise how do you think i should handle awkward kids?

Read the link. It explains a lot of my thoughts about de escalation.

Original poster
boilerhouse2007 · 19/05/2018 12:33

''If you can't see that what you said could have been interpreted as confrontational then I'm not sure you would be able to change - unless you really want to and feel motivated to.''

well frankly it is the only thing that works with these kids-what should you think a middle aged bloke in his 40s with a heavy Glasgow accent should have handled this? I would greatly appreciate tips and I mean this frankly, i am pointing out my sex and my status so that you remember im not a soft woman who kids tend to like.

OP posts: