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Original poster

MiL Obsessed with DH's Bowels..

112 replies

getawfmylaaaand · 18/05/2018 16:00

DH was recently poorly and had to have a very minor operation. He's perfectly fine and back at work.. however there's still a problem:

For the last 4 weeks, MiL has been calling DH daily to ask about his bowel movements. She demands colour, texture and frequency and any 'anomalies'. Illness was nothing to do with bowels.

She's also insisted on attending every single dr's appointment with DH while I've been at work (DH couldn't drive), so she's been taking him under the pretence of giving him a lift, then following him into the room with the doctor and when DH asked her what on earth she thinks she's doing, she's feigned getting upset and DH hasn't had the energy to make a scene, so she's been in with him Confused. After his appointments, he generally calls me to have a chat about what's been said and I can hear her in the background trying to tell him what to say. It's like 'don't tell her that DH, she doesn't need to know all that'. Then, when we go over for dinner she drops bits about his medical stuff into conversation and waits to see if I react as if I don't already know. It's really really odd.

Worst of all she's shared quite personal medical stuff with a few family friends, to the point where DH had a call from one of her friends asking if he'd tried this particular brand of wooshit snake oil because it had helped loads with her BP apparently Hmm.

DH is baffled and quite upset by it all. He's not really communicating with his Mum because he hasn't got the mental energy to deal with her and as a result MiL is incessantly calling and texting me at work etc to find out how he is etc. I've tried to stop this by saying 'he's very well thanks MiL and probably at work, I'll ask him to call you when he has time' but she's not getting the hint at all.

DH also gently suggested to her that she should back off a bit but she got really upset and said "you're my son of course Im worried about you" and that's been the standard response to any nudging we've done.

For full context, we've not wanted to upset her too much because FiL passed away 18 months ago and she's still very fragile. I sort of understand her anxiety but I fele like it's tipping into manipulation.

Any ideas?

OP posts:
GummyGoddess · 18/05/2018 16:02

It's up to your DH to tell her that she's being incredibly inappropriate. If he really isn't up to it can he not call ahead before appointments and ask them to say she is not to come in?

sonjadog · 18/05/2018 16:04

Is he fine now? In that case this will presumably sort itself out now.

He made a huge mistake letting her attend his doctor’s appointments. It gave her a role that she didn’t need to have in this. In future, set better boundaries. If she cries, so what? Someone crying doesn’t mean they have to get their own way. Be kind but be firm.

Original poster
getawfmylaaaand · 18/05/2018 16:05

Gummy I hadn't thought to ask the Dr to ask her not to come in. Is that really fair though? She's also MiL's GP.

It's almost like she's trying to compete for knowledge of DH's medical condition if that makes sense? Like she wants to feel like she knows more than me about how he is? But that makes no sense because she's telling other people every detail?

OP posts:
Original poster
getawfmylaaaand · 18/05/2018 16:07

sonja I thought the same but he's been fine for 3 weeks now and it's not stopping. He still has to be monitored by the GP for a little while for an unrelated issue to the surgery which is the bit she's insisting on accompanying him for..

OP posts:
Aprilmightbemynewname · 18/05/2018 16:08

Tell her to sign up to what's app and send daily poo pics. ...

sonjadog · 18/05/2018 16:08

The GP doesn’t need to set boundaries for her. Your DP is a grown man and needs to do it himself. The solution to this lies with him. Stop letting her come in, don’t make phonecalls to you about it in her hearing, refuse to comment on bowel movements. Hopefully if he is feeling better, he will be more up to putting appropriate boundaries in place.

CaptainCabinets · 18/05/2018 16:08

Blimey!

Is MIL a nurse? That’s the only reason I can think of for her to be so interested in his recovery, although however old he is, he’s still her baby and I’m sure she’s just concerned about him.

Original poster
getawfmylaaaand · 18/05/2018 16:08

Also I agree he made a mistake letting her attend even one appointment. It was only 3 days after he was discharged though and at that point he really didn't have the energy for an upset Mum.

OP posts:
ladyratterley · 18/05/2018 16:09

This is batshit. I'm inclined to agree with previous posters. He shouldn't have let her sit in on appointments in the first place.
It's his problem. He needs to tell her firmly and fairly that he's a grown up and can deal with this by himself. He can keep her updated if he wants, but that's up to him.

Original poster
getawfmylaaaand · 18/05/2018 16:11

Nope MiL has no medical background although FiL was ill for a while so she was exposed to a lot of medical stuff then.

I do understand her being worried about him but I just feel like she's going WAY overboard. Seriously to hear her talk you'd think DH was at deaths door.. he had a completely routine operation, was recovered within 5 days and was only ill before hand for about a week.

She's told people he almost died. We've categorically reassured her this was absolutely not the case and DH is very very well but she's still going on and on.

OP posts:
LondonGin · 18/05/2018 16:14

This is bonkers. Your husband just needs to say “I’m an adult Mum. I’m fine to go in on my own. Thanks for the lift but can you wait here please.” Also. Tell him not to tell her when the appointments are!

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 18/05/2018 16:15

Seriously; she demands "colour and texture"?? Come on... Hmm

wormery · 18/05/2018 16:16

He just needs to tell her he doesnt need her lifts or when the appts are, she is being over bearing and needs to leave him alone.

Original poster
getawfmylaaaand · 18/05/2018 16:18

That's basically what he said when she got upset. She 'uses' (I dont mean that to sound horrid) FiL as a reason why she want's to know things whenever DH pushes back. Like this morning she called at 9am to ask "have you been this morning? what was your blood pressure? have you drunk any water overnight? What did you have for dinner?", DH said "I'm fine mum, everything's normal, what are you up to today?" and she snapped at him for changing the subject and accused him of being 'just like his father' which for context is because MiL suspects FiL was ill for a long time and didn't mention that he was feeling ill in fear of worrying her. For the record neither DH or I think this is the case.

OP posts:
Barbie222 · 18/05/2018 16:20

Hmm, I think I'd just give her side eye and a bit of Hmma pause before changing the subject, and put the kettle on for the moment when he properly tells her to fuck off.

Original poster
getawfmylaaaand · 18/05/2018 16:21

Iamagrey seriously, there's a chart called the bristol stool chart apparently and she wants to know which catagory it's in. We've managed to get her down to just whether it's 'normal' or 'not normal' and the same for colour. Prior to last week she was recording all of this down to take to the GP. GP gently said last week that this wasn't needed but she's still 'monitoring' things just in case Hmm

OP posts:
GummyGoddess · 18/05/2018 16:22

It isn't fair on your DH to have his mother so interested in his bowel habits and forcing her way into medical appointments that he's asked her not to come to! Your DH has to decide if he would rather his mother treat him like a child and know all about his toilet habits or whether he's understandably reached his limits.

Original poster
getawfmylaaaand · 18/05/2018 16:26

Gummy he's most definitely reached his limit with it all I think. He was a bit traumatised after getting sick (very similar symptoms to FiL so understandably panicked him a bit) and no he's ok he just wants to move on and get passed it but MiL constantly needing updates is just not letting it drop.

To be honest, the cynical part of me thinks she's not concerned at all and this is a control thing. She's found a way to treat him like a child again and she's grabbing hold of it with both hands...

OP posts:
nokidshere · 18/05/2018 16:28

It sounds like she has developed health anxiety after her husbands death. Your dh has the solution to this by not allowing her to be at his appointments and not sharing info with her afterwards. You can't really expect the doctor to do that for a grown man.

He needs to sit her don and explain that he is not going to share his health problems with her and that he will absolutely let her know if there is anything wrong it's him. No nudging, or hinting, a proper grown up conversation

GummyGoddess · 18/05/2018 16:28

Well it's giving her something to do even if it isn't about control. She doesn't have the right to make him so uncomfortable though, no matter who she is. I assume she wouldn't do this to anyone else?

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 18/05/2018 16:28

Just. Don't. Tell. Her....

Yes she tells other people.... BUT she knows this info first.... Before even you!

It gives her power....

My dad did this a while back... Had major gynae surgery... He insisted on telling randomers... Who dint know about me, nor least recognise me.... So I had gossip which reached my pals that I had been at deaths door..... They knew the real reason.. Hysterectomy... But then were wondering whether I was a lot worse than I was letting on...

wormery · 18/05/2018 16:29

Maybe she is still grieving for her husband and is worried that her son is ill and hiding something from her or maybe shes a bit of a control freak who wants to feel in charge. Either way she should not go to the appts, if she gets miffed that you dont share his poop habits or blood pressure with her then tough really, why does she need to know and whats she going to do about it anyway. He is just going to have to tell her he doesn't wish to talk about it anymore, everything is ok and can she please not discuss it with her friends anymore. I hope he feels better, you could buy a Bristol Stool Chart tea towel to hang on the wall.Blush

ReanimatedSGB · 18/05/2018 16:32

I can see why this is annoying. Has your MIL a history of being nosy/over-invested/controlling/manipulative? Or is it just since FIL died? It might be worth trying to steer her towards some sort of support/counselling if it's the latter, as it might be the case that she's still fretting over FIL not telling her he was ill, and projecting her fear onto your DH.
Of course, if she's always been a PITA you can ramp this up and kill her with concern-trolling... 'Oh, MIL, we're so worried about your mental health, maybe you should see someone, it's not appropriate to be so anxious, etc.'

CocoaGin · 18/05/2018 16:35

I think she's probably a lot more worried than she's letting on. She's lost her DH and now terrified of losing her son, no matter how irrational it is. I think your DH needs to have a very firm "enough now" conversation with her before this grows legs and runs.

Jengnr · 18/05/2018 16:38

‘I’m not telling you Mum.’

And get a taxi to appointments.