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AIBU?

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Original poster

MiL Obsessed with DH's Bowels..

112 replies

getawfmylaaaand · 18/05/2018 16:00

DH was recently poorly and had to have a very minor operation. He's perfectly fine and back at work.. however there's still a problem:

For the last 4 weeks, MiL has been calling DH daily to ask about his bowel movements. She demands colour, texture and frequency and any 'anomalies'. Illness was nothing to do with bowels.

She's also insisted on attending every single dr's appointment with DH while I've been at work (DH couldn't drive), so she's been taking him under the pretence of giving him a lift, then following him into the room with the doctor and when DH asked her what on earth she thinks she's doing, she's feigned getting upset and DH hasn't had the energy to make a scene, so she's been in with him Confused. After his appointments, he generally calls me to have a chat about what's been said and I can hear her in the background trying to tell him what to say. It's like 'don't tell her that DH, she doesn't need to know all that'. Then, when we go over for dinner she drops bits about his medical stuff into conversation and waits to see if I react as if I don't already know. It's really really odd.

Worst of all she's shared quite personal medical stuff with a few family friends, to the point where DH had a call from one of her friends asking if he'd tried this particular brand of wooshit snake oil because it had helped loads with her BP apparently Hmm.

DH is baffled and quite upset by it all. He's not really communicating with his Mum because he hasn't got the mental energy to deal with her and as a result MiL is incessantly calling and texting me at work etc to find out how he is etc. I've tried to stop this by saying 'he's very well thanks MiL and probably at work, I'll ask him to call you when he has time' but she's not getting the hint at all.

DH also gently suggested to her that she should back off a bit but she got really upset and said "you're my son of course Im worried about you" and that's been the standard response to any nudging we've done.

For full context, we've not wanted to upset her too much because FiL passed away 18 months ago and she's still very fragile. I sort of understand her anxiety but I fele like it's tipping into manipulation.

Any ideas?

OP posts:
LePamplemoussse · 18/05/2018 17:04

She is grieving. Many people suffer from health anxiety about themselves and their family after a bereavement, it’s really common. You feel that everyone’s life hangs on a thread and it hits home how fragile human beings are. She’s not being rational, so just reassure her. Grief can do funny things to people.

Rainydaydog · 18/05/2018 17:04

You have to be clear that its not normal behaviour to ask these sort of detailed health questions. You aren't being mean you are being normal. Don't get sucked into her weird behaviour. Act like a normal person. If others in the family question you they are being weird too. Just tell them you think MiL has a bit of anxiety since FiL died but it's not going to help to encourage her fussing. If they still keep up you may be better off taking a step back from the family.

NoSquirrels · 18/05/2018 17:08

"I know you worry, Mum, but I'm absolutely fine."

Then change the subject.

She goes on...

"Yes, Mum - but I am fine."

Change the subject.

She goes on...

"Mum, I've told you, I'm fine. No need to worry. Let's not discuss it any more."

She goes on...

"Mum, I'm fine."

Via text, you need to say the same:

DH is fine, MIL.

Yes, DH is feeling fine, MIL.

If she calls:

Yes, he's fine, MIL. I have to get back to work now.

sprinklesandsauce · 18/05/2018 17:10

OP, it is clear that she is terrified that she is going to lose her son after losing her husband, and maybe to the same illness. She is over reacting yes, but if she is grieving then she won't be in a good place mentally at times.

They were talking about health anxiety on Radio 2 earlier this week and it could be that she is suffering from that.

I think that your DH needs to go to the doctor with her just one more time, but for MIL not for him! and talk to the doctor with her about how she is behaving and how it is not rational.

Missingstreetlife · 18/05/2018 17:11

Anne Dixon. A woman in your own right
Just say no for goodness sake, you are feeding it

Original poster
getawfmylaaaand · 18/05/2018 17:13

Ok, I think reassurance but firm disengagement is probably the way forward.

Just to complicate things further, we found out im pregnant again on Wednesday (very early days!) so I think it’s no or never to get this nailed.

Can you imagine what she’ll be like if this is a sticky baby and she’s a grandparent?? It makes me feel ill thinking about it Sad

OP posts:
Tiddlywinks63 · 18/05/2018 17:13

This isn't normal behaviour, grieving or not. I can't imagine her fixation on his bowel habits is anything other than downright peculiar.
She sounds obsessive and overbearing and your DH is colluding by allowing her to come into the GP with him!
Wtf didn't he say 'No way!' at the start - it isn't normal behaviour on his part either, having mummy there.
He needs to man up and grow up or you'll have her wanting the finest details about every aspect of your lives, ridiculous behaviour.

diddl · 18/05/2018 17:14

"Worst of all she's shared quite personal medical stuff with a few family friends,"

That's reason enough to tell her nothing else.

If she chooses not to believe it when she is told that your husband is fine, that's her problem/perogative.

GummyGoddess · 18/05/2018 17:16

Congratulations! With this in mind it's even more important to set boundaries now. Then you can carry them on when baby is here. You don't want her attempting to accompany you into the delivery room!

diddl · 18/05/2018 17:18

"we found out im pregnant again on Wednesday (very early days!) "

Hope all goes well.

You don't have to tell her until you're ready, & you certainly don't have to invite her to or tell her about any appointments!

Also, you might have to be wary of what you tell your husband if you think that she'll wheedle it out of him.

elisenbrunnen · 18/05/2018 17:21

"Worst of all she's shared quite personal medical stuff with a few family friends," - which makes me think it is less 'grieving' and more 'Manipulation'. Me me me - MY son has this, MY DIL is that, MY life is so interesting/complicated/worse than anyone else's.

Crying and putting on the 'poor me' act is a classic tactic - no-one wants to be the one to cause someone to cry. It works!

Congrats BTW - really, nip this now (bit late to be 'in the bud') but seriously, boundaries are needed. And she WILL cry. She will howl and all the family will rush to console her and castigate you. Stand ready, and together, and resolute!

speakout · 18/05/2018 17:21

Your OH sounds a limp rag.

Original poster
getawfmylaaaand · 18/05/2018 17:23

Oh god don’t worry, no one will know a thing until 12 weeks and we’ll tell them all we didn’t find out until then too. It’s sad that my mum won’t know until then too, but I can’t risk it getting out ahead of MiL knowing, it wouldn’t be fair.

DH won’t say anything, he’s extremely loyal and would never share this news without my go ahead. He was absolutely devastated when MiL shared the MC with people and to be honest I think it really damaged their relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
getawfmylaaaand · 18/05/2018 17:25

speakout and you sound like a judgemental, underinformed wankbadger.

Swings and roundabouts.

OP posts:
AgathaF · 18/05/2018 17:28

Definitely time to set boundaries and stick to them very firmly.

She only has this power because you and your DH allow her to have it.

TomRavenscroft · 18/05/2018 17:30

Your DH needs to be firmer with her and stop letting her in to the GP with him.

As for you, block her phone number.

Original poster
getawfmylaaaand · 18/05/2018 17:31

Yeah I agree, I think we need the discomfort of it now rather than as new parents.

I’ll talk to DH tonight. I posted because we were talking about it last night and we’ve come to the conclusion we weren’t certain how to tackle it because in a way, it’s hard to know if it’s actually normal or not iyswim? When you’ve been part of a family that functions like this for so long it’s tough to see external perspectives on it.

For the record, DH is a lovely man and will follow the plan no problem if we’ve got a proper strategy. Until now though we haven’t really had a clear way forward.

It’s helped massively to get an outside view.

OP posts:
ToadsforJustice · 18/05/2018 17:33

Congratulations! Good time for setting up firm boundaries, otherwise you will have the "illness" and the flying monkeys all through your pregnancy as MIL demands to be at every scan and the birth. Grey rock.

Candlelight123 · 18/05/2018 17:37

Congratulations on your pregnancy!
I'm another who says you need to refuse to tell her the colour & texture and whether he's pooed or not! She's clearly got health anxiety (by proxy) and you will only be fuelling it by giving her the info.
Just a firm reply of "I'm not going into my bowel habits with you mum" over and over again. TBH my DS age 13 would not answer that question, it's a private matter.

Original poster
getawfmylaaaand · 18/05/2018 17:39

Grey rock. Got it Grin

OP posts:
persypear · 18/05/2018 17:50

Gosh, mylaaand, I do feel for you both as I have had some personal experience of shit like this. I think in the end you have to come to terms with whether you/ DH could find it liberating to be totally NC. It usually is! But as you say, there is a process that leads up to making that decision and you need to get some power back.

The only really meaninful power you have is going NC. Maintaing partial contact can be to engage in power games/ threats but some people like this will only manage to rein themselves in if they realise you being NC is a very real possibility, or actually happens. They won't totally change because of it, but they may be able to control themsleves a bit and keep to the rules so that some contact is possible. Sadly you can't ever let your guard drop though so bear that in mind.

Hope you can get a protection plan together! Best of luck Flowers

ToadsforJustice · 18/05/2018 17:52

Slight tongue in cheek - but it's never too early to go NC, as it saves so much angst and aggravation in the long run.

Wyatt98765 · 18/05/2018 17:53

I just really don’t know why both of you are continuing to engage with her over this is she asks then the simple answer is “I am not telling you because it’s none of your business and you asking about it is bloody weird” if she continues then “it is totally and utterly weird to ask a grown person about their bowel habits, as I said I am not answering you and I will not continue this conversation” and then change the subject.

Then if she kicks of a simple “you can cry and scream and make as much fuss as you like, but I have told you what is happening and that is the end of it, if you mention it again I will hang up the phone/go home/ask you to leave” and then you follow through.

Why would you let yourself be manipulated like this?

Lunde · 18/05/2018 18:00

My MIL was very much like yours. I don't think it was so much anxiety but manipulation as well as the fact she loved a good medical drama so that she could gossip all of the gory details to her friends. She was also totally overinvolved in DH's life before we met. She even threw a huge tantrum before I met DH because he bought a 1 bed flat and she had some fantasy that she would move in with him!

You definitely need to set firm boundaries reduce the information flow about medical appointments and symptoms etc even if she throwns a tantrum. Part of the manipulation is a power play that she is "more important" (and knows more) in his life than you. Your DH needs to establish and defend that boundary of your own family. It is especially important now that you are pregnant.

... oh and never, ever tell her about your midwife appointments or tell her when you go into labour! Otherwise she'll be there and it will be all about her needs!

Original poster
getawfmylaaaand · 18/05/2018 18:01

wyatt that’s a bit of a nuclear option don’t you think?

She’s a pain but she’s still his mum and like others have said this is very likely an indication her mental health isn’t great. Not sure we’re at the stage yet where we need to be quite that callous.

OP posts: