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AIBU?

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Original poster

MiL Obsessed with DH's Bowels..

112 replies

getawfmylaaaand · 18/05/2018 16:00

DH was recently poorly and had to have a very minor operation. He's perfectly fine and back at work.. however there's still a problem:

For the last 4 weeks, MiL has been calling DH daily to ask about his bowel movements. She demands colour, texture and frequency and any 'anomalies'. Illness was nothing to do with bowels.

She's also insisted on attending every single dr's appointment with DH while I've been at work (DH couldn't drive), so she's been taking him under the pretence of giving him a lift, then following him into the room with the doctor and when DH asked her what on earth she thinks she's doing, she's feigned getting upset and DH hasn't had the energy to make a scene, so she's been in with him Confused. After his appointments, he generally calls me to have a chat about what's been said and I can hear her in the background trying to tell him what to say. It's like 'don't tell her that DH, she doesn't need to know all that'. Then, when we go over for dinner she drops bits about his medical stuff into conversation and waits to see if I react as if I don't already know. It's really really odd.

Worst of all she's shared quite personal medical stuff with a few family friends, to the point where DH had a call from one of her friends asking if he'd tried this particular brand of wooshit snake oil because it had helped loads with her BP apparently Hmm.

DH is baffled and quite upset by it all. He's not really communicating with his Mum because he hasn't got the mental energy to deal with her and as a result MiL is incessantly calling and texting me at work etc to find out how he is etc. I've tried to stop this by saying 'he's very well thanks MiL and probably at work, I'll ask him to call you when he has time' but she's not getting the hint at all.

DH also gently suggested to her that she should back off a bit but she got really upset and said "you're my son of course Im worried about you" and that's been the standard response to any nudging we've done.

For full context, we've not wanted to upset her too much because FiL passed away 18 months ago and she's still very fragile. I sort of understand her anxiety but I fele like it's tipping into manipulation.

Any ideas?

OP posts:
Original poster
getawfmylaaaand · 18/05/2018 16:39

I'm deffo in the dont tell her camp too. I know exactly what will happen though:

She asks
DH doent tell her
She calls me
I dont tell her
She calls aunty betty
Aunty betty calls DH to tell him MiL is very upset and thinks he's hiding something
DH explains he's not hiding anything and all is well
AB calls me.
I explain the same.
AB tell MiL she's not found anything out.
MiL calls us that evening in hysterics that she's been worrying all day and can't settle and we simply must tell her what was said
We don't tell her
She insists we are either hiding something or are incredibly cruel for leaving her to worry like this after she "just lost FiL"
Still don't tell her
She insists she has a 'right to know' because DH is her son
We explain she doesnt because DH is an adult
Back to us being cruel
Repeat.

OP posts:
GummyGoddess · 18/05/2018 16:41

If he can block her out of the appointments then can't he just say he's all discharged and cured? Then taxi there in future.

GnotherGnu · 18/05/2018 16:42

He still has to be monitored by the GP for a little while for an unrelated issue to the surgery which is the bit she's insisting on accompanying him for.

I don't understand why this is a problem. All he has to do is fail to tell her when the next appointment is; if she already knows, he should tell her that it's been postponed and he doesn't yet know what the date is. Or, of course, he can say he doesn't need a lift and she's not coming, and basically walk away or put the phone down if she starts crying. Likewise, he can tell her he is simply not going to report back to her about his bowels, blood pressure or anything else any more, and stick to it.

Rainydaydog · 18/05/2018 16:43

I can see why she has felt worried about him but he has to put his foot down even if it upsets her. She is upsetting him by asking for inappropriate personal information.
He can reassure her he takes his health seriously and would let her know if he had a serious problem but he's a grown man and he won't be discussing his poo with his mum.

GnotherGnu · 18/05/2018 16:44

Can he sit down with her and promise that he will not hide anything and will tell her if there is anything serious,, but that from now on he's going to deal with his medical issues entirely by himself like the grown-up he is and she is going to have to accept it?

wormery · 18/05/2018 16:44

I think she needs to speak to her GP about her own anxiety, you could call GP and explain that she is not to be given any info and will not be attending any appts in the future. Maybe pp is right, it's easier just to say everything is ok now, doctor doesn't need to see him any more and if he needs any help in the future he will ask. I Would also ask AB not to call you anymore.

Eastcoastmost · 18/05/2018 16:46

This is insanity. Just don’t engage with any of it!

Original poster
getawfmylaaaand · 18/05/2018 16:47

Just so you know, this is the exact thing that happened when I had a MC a year ago and we told her absolutely nothing.

Understandably, DH and I were devastated and down for a little while so we withdrew and didn't see anyone for a couple of weeks.

MiL got so frantic and upset she accused me of stopping DH from going to see her and 'turning him against her'.

DH stuck in my corner so she switched to 'im so worried' and was calling us all the time until finally, I just wanted some peace so I told her we'd lost a baby at 9 weeks and we needed some space to grieve.

She then told loads of people and I was getting facebook messages from random family members about it for ages. When I confronted her about it and asked why she'd shared our private info, she said she'd 'needed someone to talk to' because she was so upset about the baby because it was her first grandchild Hmm

I don't think I've forgiven her for that yet but we put it down to grief at the time, FiL had only died 6 months before.

OP posts:
DesignedForLife · 18/05/2018 16:47

Taxis to any future appointments.

Rainydaydog · 18/05/2018 16:48

Just stand your ground with regard to her fussing. That is manipulative behaviour. Tell her if she keeps this up you will get upset with her and she will just have to accept you aren't going to discuss his health in detail. If it's causing her that much anxiety maybe she needs to see the GP herself.

Original poster
getawfmylaaaand · 18/05/2018 16:50

Rainyday I actually think it's manipulation at this point. There isn't a way to handle this without causing massive upset is there? Sad

OP posts:
Foodylicious · 18/05/2018 16:51

Can you ask DH to get a phone appt with the gp he sees?
So he can say that he is worried about mum and sure how to help her anxiety?
It might be that the gp can ask them both at next appt how they are doing 18 months post FILs death?
He could acknowledge how supportive she is being of DH but ask what support she has...
And even ask if she wants to make an appt for herself

Rainydaydog · 18/05/2018 16:51

She will get upset but let all the drama come from her end.

Momo18 · 18/05/2018 16:52

Sounds part health anxiety and part using her son as her purpose. Hence freezing you out a bit and taking over

ToadsforJustice · 18/05/2018 16:52

Tell her to wind her neck in and get a bloody hobby. Don't engage. Don't answer the phone. If you must speak to her and she says you are being cruel, agree with her and out the phone down. His health is absolutely none of her business.

Nikephorus · 18/05/2018 16:55

Get a taxi to the next appointment (having rearranged it if MIL knows), tell MIL afterwards that it was all clear and Dr doesn't want to see him again. Then don't tell her about any future appointments & get taxis.
And every time she has asks about the state of his bowels just say 'they're perfectly normal, you can stop asking now' even if he's been constipated for 3 weeks or has produced something that shatters the toilet and sparks a nationwide alert about chemical weapons!

ineedaholidaynow · 18/05/2018 16:56

Is it possible for your DH to speak to the GP and arrange an appointment so GP can talk to MIL about possible health anxiety? Then tell MIL the appointment is for DH and she can accompany him.

diddl · 18/05/2018 16:57

" All he has to do is fail to tell her when the next appointment is; "

Yup, or tell her to leave the surgery.

Is he frightened of her?

Sorry, but he was OK with her taking him to appointments even after he couldn't get her out of the surgery?

You rerally need to disengage.

I think that the time for trying to be nice about it is way over!

Original poster
getawfmylaaaand · 18/05/2018 16:59

I think he probably is a bit frightened of upsetting her, yes. The wider family would very much side with MiL if it came to it.

OP posts:
insertimaginativeusername · 18/05/2018 16:59

If my BIL was married i would swear this was my MIL although she grills me on bowel movements not DH.

I've no idea why Confused

Topseyt · 18/05/2018 17:00

Tell her that there are no further appointments for anything now. DH will have to just go to them on his own (on foot or by taxi). If he doesn't do that then this will never stop.

He also needs to be very blunt with her about the fact that she has no entitlement to be with him at his medical appointments, nor to ask him for daily details about every time he does a poo. He should tell her that it is intrusive and a gross invasion of privacy. She might cry, but she needs to hear it, I think.

NoSquirrels · 18/05/2018 17:01

You DH has to be grey rock.

"Mum, I am feeling much better now. What are you doing today?"

Rinse and repeat. Rinse and repeat.

If she cries, gets upset or anything manipulative like that, then he needs to say, calmly but clearly, that her behaviour is worrying him, and he will accompany her to the doctor to talk about her health anxiety and see what can be done to help her.

SarahSiddons · 18/05/2018 17:02

Do you think this could be a kind of health anxiety? Different I know but I was convinced my baby son had something seriously wrong with him and was going to die. In my head minor ailments were much more serious than anyone else (including doctors) believed and I was the only one who was taking it seriously enough. I probably got more sympathy because he was a baby and I was a new mum. But if she feels like I did then it’s a horrible place to be.

That’s not to say her behaviour isn’t annoying and totally inappropriate though! I just wonder if it’s brough back memories and feelings around her husband’s death.

elisenbrunnen · 18/05/2018 17:02

All this is just smoke, OP. She has found a way to make everything (DH health, BMs, your MC) all about her. This has narcissist written all over it.

She 'worries' - on the face of it it's lovely that she does, but really, really she just wants something to make it all about her. SHE worries. SHE cries, SHE is so upset. SHE has to know everything.

Honestly, I can see the manipulation. And she will not give it up easily. You need to withdraw, and stay withdrawn. LC, if not NC, for a while. Have the convo - 'we are fine, we are not going to tell you our business, please back off' - then BLOCK if nec. Tell Aunty Betty that she is not to be MILs flying monkey - you will be in contact with MIL when you (both) want to, and everything is fine as far as Aunty Betty goes.

And read up on the Stately Homes thread. Because she will not take this lying down.

diddl · 18/05/2018 17:03

"I think he probably is a bit frightened of upsetting her, yes."

Hmm

In all honesty, if she gets upset because she doesn't get to sit in with him/know his medical history, that is her problem for her to deal with.

"The wider family would very much side with MiL if it came to it."

Really?

They think that your husband should tell his mum about his shit so as not to upset her?

FFS!

It's just nosiness on her part-what could she even do with the info!

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