MiL Obsessed with DH's Bowels..

[getawfmylaaaand]

DH was recently poorly and had to have a very minor operation. He's perfectly fine and back at work.. however there's still a problem:

For the last 4 weeks, MiL has been calling DH daily to ask about his bowel movements. She demands colour, texture and frequency and any 'anomalies'. Illness was nothing to do with bowels.

She's also insisted on attending every single dr's appointment with DH while I've been at work (DH couldn't drive), so she's been taking him under the pretence of giving him a lift, then following him into the room with the doctor and when DH asked her what on earth she thinks she's doing, she's feigned getting upset and DH hasn't had the energy to make a scene, so she's been in with him . After his appointments, he generally calls me to have a chat about what's been said and I can hear her in the background trying to tell him what to say. It's like 'don't tell her that DH, she doesn't need to know all that'. Then, when we go over for dinner she drops bits about his medical stuff into conversation and waits to see if I react as if I don't already know. It's really really odd.

Worst of all she's shared quite personal medical stuff with a few family friends, to the point where DH had a call from one of her friends asking if he'd tried this particular brand of wooshit snake oil because it had helped loads with her BP apparently .

DH is baffled and quite upset by it all. He's not really communicating with his Mum because he hasn't got the mental energy to deal with her and as a result MiL is incessantly calling and texting me at work etc to find out how he is etc. I've tried to stop this by saying 'he's very well thanks MiL and probably at work, I'll ask him to call you when he has time' but she's not getting the hint at all.

DH also gently suggested to her that she should back off a bit but she got really upset and said "you're my son of course Im worried about you" and that's been the standard response to any nudging we've done.

For full context, we've not wanted to upset her too much because FiL passed away 18 months ago and she's still very fragile. I sort of understand her anxiety but I fele like it's tipping into manipulation.

Any ideas?

I think the supposed concern she has is actually how she fills an empty life. Her ‘caring’ is more gossip material and sympathy seeking than genuine care. You will have to be firm and repeat constantly.

Come to think of it - why don’t you get her onto MN or Gramnsnet then she can get involved with strangers problems instead, like I do 🙄

Jeepers, she's overbearing at best! The last time I took my son to the doctor he was 17 years old. He was more than capable then of going in and dealing with the doctor by himself.

The woman needs to get some outside interests. It isn't healthy to be obsessing about someone else's bowel movements!

@NameyMcNamechangeface There would have been more compassion if she didn't force her way into private appointments that she was told to wait outside for and then decide to start telling all and sundry about her poor DC's bowel movements! How can she not see how mortifying that would be for him, and how inappropriate it is to discuss with others? That's why it seems so much more like attention seeking or wanting to be 'special' than concern.

Since op said that she also did the same to her when she was having issues, it can't be totally attributed to DH having similar symptoms to FIL. It's a small amount of concern, but mainly appears to be attention seeking and desire to 'know things' for gossip purposes.

Of course she's going to throw a tantrum when you and your oh stop giving her information..... I think grey rock and changing subject are best....

In psychology it's known as the extinction burst... When people up their behavior when someone is no longer giving them what they want!

I think contacting AB with the suggested up thread would be a good idea.... It takes the power out of your mil's drama...imagine Mil cling AB... 'they're telling me nothing, I just KNOW there is something up with my son,, and so quickly after losing my OH... How unfair!' then AB has some useful info from you...

Perhaps you should shit in a sandwich bag and post it to her. She can conduct all the texture and colour tests she likes then without having to bother your DH.

'Grey Rock...grey rock...grey rock...'

How was your BM today son?

'Grey'
Solidity?
'Rock'

Every day the same.

Perhaps her obsession is because she is depressed.
Just stop playing her games and get some distance and boundaries.
Read up on assertiveness.

She is not helping dp to get over his illness. Tell her he needs peace and do what wyatt said. It's like super nanny and the naughty step. Hard at first but she will soon realise if you stay firm. If not you have choices. It's abusive, you can tell her that. Stop pussyfooting around.

Well the pair of you are being ridiculous, why are you sharing any info about doctors appointments and illnesses with her. I have not shared an illness with a parent for 20 odd years. it is entirely your own fault (and getting her to drive???????? For goodness sake is he still a baby?)

callmeadoctor a baby because he doesn’t have a driving license?

No, he had a bad car accident when he was 15 and he’s been terrified of driving ever since.

Callmeadoctor (and I hope you are ^not a doctor or in the caring profession!) - my ds2 will never be able to drive. He's 25 and has a vision impairment. Do you think he's a baby?