AIBU to not forgive SIL affair?

[Ambs81]

This is a complicated one- but I'll try to tell the short version! Any advice, especially from those who've experienced similar would be great.
Last year I found out a work colleague had split from their husband of 10 years after finding out he'd been having a 6 month affair with a younger women, who was known to my work colleague.
Like anyone, my work friend had completely broken down, she'd confronted the girl he was having the affair with -who she knew well and after a few days, rang the fiancee of the girl involved to make sure he also knew what had been going on.
She found out when typically, her idiot now-ex-husband had left his phone with hundreds of photos, video, messages from the other women in an archived chat. Most of it was quite sexual, but they had also told each other they loved each other, and discussed plans to leave their partners (talking solicitors for divorce, living arrrangements).
The plot thickened when a week later, it was mentioned in passing the name of the finance of the girl involved in the affair - it was my brother in laws name (my husband's brother). Its not a very common first name, or surname (now my surname), i was surprised my work friends hadn't already made the connection.
We quickly confirmed it was my BIL financee (they are due to get married this summer), I was shown some of the images / video involved and it was clear she was the guilty party, I also noticed she'd come off social media at this point.
I obviously told my husband, and explained his brother already knew what had gone on - but encouraged him to talk to his brother and support him through the fallout.
His brother was extremely upset we knew, and as his fiancee had managed to convince him the affair was just text messages, not sex, our input confirmed that it was sexual (i watched footage of them having sex!), which obviously caused my BIL more upset.
Long story short, 6 months later and my BIL has decided to stay with the his financee, after 2-3 days living apart, they decided they were both to blame and wanted to stay together.
My BIL suffers from depression, and it seems as though the family feel this caused her to have an affair, as he was distant and not meeting her needs. As someone who has suffered with depression, I feel really shocked that this is being used to justify her betrayal. Also worth noting she was my BIL first relationship/ girlfriend, so he has no other frame of reference.
They've also decided to go ahead with the wedding this year, 10 months after the affair came out. While I think it's far enough to stay together, I think going ahead with the wedding as planned is a joke - especially with it taking place in a catholic church.
While the rest of the family have totally forgiven and forgotten, my husband and I are really struggling to come to terms with it and treat her as family. My husbands family don't want it to be talked about, it is completely swept under the carpet now, but I havent directly spoken to my BIL or his fiancee since this came out (6 months ago).
At the request of my mother in law (who i greatly respect, she has helped me a lot with my DS) I did reach out to the girl involved, suggesting we meet and bury the hatchet. The reply was quite a rude and basically indicated they were angry at us, and that she was willing to accept me as family 'no matter what' (inferring I'd done something wrong??).
Since that exchange of messages there has been no contact, I'm avoiding family situations/ occasions where they'll be and visa versa.
I'm happy to continue with this, but with the wedding approaching i feel it is going to come to a head, as I don't want to attend and don't want my son to attend.
I would go out of respect for my BIL (who was a close childhood friend and how I met my husband), but as he hasn't spoken to me since this happened I feel that I have no relationship with the bride or groom, and it feels bizarre to think of going to their wedding when I'm not on speaking terms with them.
I still feel so angry at her and I feel devasted for my BIL, because he is such a lovely guy and I feel he is being duped. None of his close friends know the truth and I worry the only people he confinded in - his parents- were more worried about maintaining the status quo (as the wedding invites had gone out, they own a house together etc) then his self esteem and self worth.
As the family have moved on so quickly, I feel they think IABU to still hold a grudge and not let it go, I also know it will hurt my MIL and FIL to not have me at the wedding, more then anything because they wouldn't like their friends to think/know they was an issue/dispute in the family.
I know I'm taking the moral highground with nothing to really gain, but just can't move pass the fact that she did this to my BIL and also to my work friend - who has now ended her marriage of 10 years.
It seems wrong that on one side a marriage is over, but on the other its business as usual and the wedding planning is in full swing.
Had her cheating been a one off, or even a two-off thing, I wouldn't feel as strongly but it was such a prolonged affair, with meeting for sex 1-2 times a week in my BIL house, there was also a lot of bad mouthing of my BIL in the messages exchanged, and she was putting a lot of pressure on the man involved to get a solicitor and get a divorce.
I also find it weird that while my work friends marriage was in a bad place - they were having counselling - my BIL was unaware of any problem, and his fiancee seemed fine and very actively planning her wedding.
Another side note is my own brother, having cheated on his fiancee went ahead with his wedding and then split after 6 months - and still can't start divorce proceedings as haven't been married long enough. I wish I'd advised my brother to delay his wedding, but as he was the wrong-doer I guess I encouraged him (or at least didn't discourage hime) to make things right by going through with it (in the end it was his wife's choice to end it). I'm raising this as I have recent experience with how marrying of the back of infidelity is never a good idea!
Sorry for such a long post...I guess my question to you guys is AIBU to not forgive and forget, and AIBU to not attend wedding?

@whatamistake thank you - if it was just a friends wedding I would just go, I think when you're family of the groom there is more pressure and therefore I am more reluctant to participate. Like you say, I think its a farce.
I've seen other friends marry in strained circumstances, and it all breaks down months or years later.
Equally - made they stay together, as others have said.
My MIL and FIL acceptance of it has really surprised me, she was always the golden girl (she lived with them for many years, rent free) so they have a close bond.
I have no doubt if I, or my other SIL did this to her others son we'd be outcasts.

This clearly won't be a popular opinion, but I think YABU

It is not your place to judge or "take the moral highground" on this. Your BIL wants to marry her, he's an adult, and he will have weighed up his hurt against his hope and that's his choice. You have to move on from it - the only person who matters in this has.

TBH I think its gross hypocrisy to have supported your cheating brother through his decision to marry then sit in judgement on someone you hardly know.

I also echo the YABU - your BIL has made his decision and as family you should be supporting his decision whether you agree or not.

A lot of your posts have made this about you and how much you dislike her but you are not marrying her and his immediate family wish to support his decision

The post about telling his best man was just disgusting IMO as it is not upto you to tell anyone even if they are friends of yours

@WindDoesNotBreakTheBendyTree
I very vocally and openly codemned my brother, I told his ex she was crazy to go back to him, but they had 12 months apart (after 16 years together) and they both felt they wanted to do it.
They flew off to do a beach wedding- just the 2 of them- so I guess I didn't feel as obligated to participate, pose for photos etc. It was just about them, and it was her dream wedding and what she wanted.
My brother is an arse, but I do feel sorry for him in terms of the now marriage break up, he is embarassed by it as I am sure his ex is.
I wouldn't wish the expense, embarassment or upset of a marraige break up on anyone or any family

Oh to be as perfect as you, OP. I wouldn't be condemning my family for their mistakes/poor choices. I wouldn't condone those choices that hurt others but I certainly wouldn't be sitting up high looking down on them.

If you have any consideration of your BIL at all - call in SICK. It wouldn't be a lie because you will have worked yourself up about this wedding. Nobody deserves to have guests 'on sufferance', family or not. You're not immediate family so that does give you a bit more latitude to not go.

I'm in the minority but I think that if you have sex with someone else's husband and post it where it can be easily found by his wife, it's your own fault if the images get shared and viewed by people you wouldn't necessarily choose to see it. So no sympathy for her from me.

I think your bil is shooting the messenger. If you want to see him, make contact with him directly - take sil out of all communication. It would probably suit her to alienate his family, so don't let her.
I wouldn't spread his business - he will hate you for it and it will drive him closer to her. If you don't want to go to the wedding, call bil when he is on his own, tell him you love him and wish him well but you feel unable to attend the wedding. I also suspect he knows less than you think about everythibg she said and did. You've actually seen the messages, so it's hard to erase the memory of just how awful she is.
Tell your mil that she must do as she sees fit but has no right to pressure you into supporting this marriage. It's a moral issue for you. Agree that respect is a two way street - your mil sounds shallow to me, too concerned with image and not concerned enough about consequences.
Your bil may well have been very hard to live with, but it's no justification for the level of nastiness she displayed. She is positioning herself as the victim here, which is why you hsve to not let her cut you out - be super kind to bil, while not acknowledging her at all beyond icy civility.

I didn't feel as obligated to participate, pose for photos etc.

You just aren't getting it are you.

It was your brothers personal business and it is your BIL's personal business, it has bugger all to do with you and nobody gives a rats arse about how you feel about it when they make their own private relationship decisions. Your dramatics about YOUR feeling in their business are inappropriate.

@WeAllHaveWings

The line you've referenced was said in response to why I don't support BIL getting married, but supported my own DB marrying after infidelity. So i don't get the relevance??

I wish no one in my husbands family gave a 'rat arse' about my feelings, but they obviously do as - as I said- my MIL and FIL want me to be on board and supportive, and in attendance at the wedding.

This post is about how I feel and how I should respond, I've never set it up as anything else.

I don't care enough to actively try to stop them getting married, or even make contact with them at all, but I do care enough to make me stay at a distance, because I don't feel ready to make nice with her - and in my husbands family nothing else would be appropriate.

I also know she will be over-the-top with my son when she seems him, and I will find this difficult so am avoiding the situation.

@Charolais I love your post.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

That is really unfair, I have never set myself up as perfect - in this thread or real life.

i don't go around judging people, but I don't think affairs are ok - i think they are a shitty thing to do.

I think you are far far too invested and really these people are adults who have made their decision. Not your business. By all means don’t attend the wedding but keep your opinions to yourself and crush any gossip

They may make a fresh start. Be supportivev

I'm not disagreeing with you that affairs are not ok, OP, of course they're not. But people sometimes have poor judgement and it does sound as if you very much judge your own family for what they do - and really hold a grudge. Perhaps you're not really like that and are just having a hard time with this but again - and respectfully - it's not about you and it really doesn't affect you, does it? I do understand that this has affected you, shocked you even - but it's not happening to you and for your own sake you should try to let it go.

To me, judging is counter-productive because your family/extended family are the ones who will generally stand by you.

I was only posting back to say that I too loved Charolais's post. Did you read it yourself? The inlaw's family would be everything I would aspire to have.

I don't feel ready to make nice with her

This is the point - you don't need to "feel ready" - you are not the injured party. It's not your call.

If you do not go and do not behave graciously at the wedding I think you will sour your relationship with BIL, for whom you profess so much love and concern irrevocably.

I wouldn't wish the expense, embarassment or upset of a marraige break up on anyone or any family

They may make a marvellous go of it. Stop with the Greek chorus. Support your BIL's choice.

We all fuck up sometimes.
Get over it and move on.

It’s not your place to withhold forgiveness

I've read the whole thread. You need to stop making this about YOU and how YOU feel and stop mulling over decisions like whether his friends should be told. The accidental part you played in this is OVER and you need to stop meddling and pursing your lips and realise that from this point your opinion is utterly irrelevant to how things progress. Get behind your BIL choices and help him have the fresh start he obviously wants. To be honest it comes across that you are revelling in and enjoying your own outrage and being so close to the scandal and it is nauseating. Stop it and support your BIL.

I agree with MsGameandWatching

YABU

It’s not your place to withhold forgiveness. You are too emeshed in your family - do some reading about emeshment.

Your role here is to support your husband to maintain a good relationship with his brother.

Suck it up. Go to some family events and be normal. Go to the wedding. Allow this couple to make their own decisions without your judgement - and if it doesn’t work out for them you can then be there for your BIL.

You say you care about you BIL - it’s time for you to show this by doing what he asks , put this behind you and be a family.

I would feel exactly the same as you and would also contemplate not attending.

But I think you should go for your BIL otherwise it will negatively affect your relationship with him for good.

@scrumples, I'm sorry to hear about your situation and as I said in earlier post I grew up in a home where my mum and sibling were frequently beaten by our father, so I can imagine your pain.

I know many circumstances where people have affairs and move on - and I get that. People fall in and out of love all the time.

But in this case she had no intention of leaving my BIL, she was happy to stay, but wanted and needed the thrill of the affair.

@NicEv

Just reading up on enmeshment, very interesting and relevant to this.

OP, the 'tide' of the thread has now gone this way, so all posts are pretty much going to continue the pile-on. Interesting if you go back to the start of the thread how different it was!

People seem to have forgotten all about the fact that you have been dragged into it - begged by your MIL to contact the OWSIL who then had the utter cheek to have a go at YOU. People seem to have forgotten that that's the problem here.

Interesting too how you say the OWSIL lived with your PIL for years, had a good deal going with them. Presumably that's another reason she's still around - soft landing. She's quite the user isn't she!

If your DH is definitely going, you probably should too. Be careful - clearly, with you the only one visibly not playing amnesia trumps about the affair plus the one who's actually seen those videos and let the cat out of the bag about her level of deceit, she hates you. She fucking hates that you saw those videos, which is why she was poison to you in the text. If she can paint you as the problem she will, to deflect from herself. So I'd go - you either all stand together or you go and not let yourself be demonised. Don't let OWSIL be there on her wedding day with sad puppy eyes to MIL about you ruining her special day

Go, you and your DH get there as late as you can, ceremony, keep away from them at the reception.

Don't take your DS, if at all possible. I get what you say about her using him and it would make me see red. Prevent that. Can you get your mum or someone to look after him? Say he was ill all the night before, not up to coming, you of course are all there but you'll be leaving early to get back to him. Problem solved.

she was happy to stay, but wanted and needed the thrill of the affair.

You know nothing of the sort.

OP you are treating this like a real life soap opera.

YABtotallyU Your feelings about affairs in general and this in particular are irrelevant.

This is just awful. To sit in judgement of these people in this manner is appalling. They are both adults and can make their own decisions. Who the fuck are you to decide if it's right or wrong or a joke?

You come across as an over invested, vindictive, judgemental busy body. Simply confirmed by thr fact you watched videos of them having sex, read the messages and want to tell others. You want her to apologise to thr wider family? Seriously? You want her to wear a scarlet letter on her chest too?

They should disinvite you. So come clean, what is it, you don't like her? You fancy the brother in law, or you fancy the guy she had an affair with.

Thr last thing these people need is you and your condemnation.

Thanks @Fizzygreenwater

I feel the thread has shifted towards a personal assualt - but hey ho, I know posting on here it could go that way.

I also think she is a bit of a user, had 5 years living there without paying a penny - moved in with them around 2 months after meeting my BIL. It seemed strange to me at the time. She has no family, so my in-laws really took her under their wing.

I think your right in that I have to be careful - she regularly seems to twist situations, for example she sent me rude reply, then at the same time texted my MIL to saw she was so happy I'd reached out etc.