AIBU to not forgive SIL affair?

[Ambs81]

This is a complicated one- but I'll try to tell the short version! Any advice, especially from those who've experienced similar would be great.
Last year I found out a work colleague had split from their husband of 10 years after finding out he'd been having a 6 month affair with a younger women, who was known to my work colleague.
Like anyone, my work friend had completely broken down, she'd confronted the girl he was having the affair with -who she knew well and after a few days, rang the fiancee of the girl involved to make sure he also knew what had been going on.
She found out when typically, her idiot now-ex-husband had left his phone with hundreds of photos, video, messages from the other women in an archived chat. Most of it was quite sexual, but they had also told each other they loved each other, and discussed plans to leave their partners (talking solicitors for divorce, living arrrangements).
The plot thickened when a week later, it was mentioned in passing the name of the finance of the girl involved in the affair - it was my brother in laws name (my husband's brother). Its not a very common first name, or surname (now my surname), i was surprised my work friends hadn't already made the connection.
We quickly confirmed it was my BIL financee (they are due to get married this summer), I was shown some of the images / video involved and it was clear she was the guilty party, I also noticed she'd come off social media at this point.
I obviously told my husband, and explained his brother already knew what had gone on - but encouraged him to talk to his brother and support him through the fallout.
His brother was extremely upset we knew, and as his fiancee had managed to convince him the affair was just text messages, not sex, our input confirmed that it was sexual (i watched footage of them having sex!), which obviously caused my BIL more upset.
Long story short, 6 months later and my BIL has decided to stay with the his financee, after 2-3 days living apart, they decided they were both to blame and wanted to stay together.
My BIL suffers from depression, and it seems as though the family feel this caused her to have an affair, as he was distant and not meeting her needs. As someone who has suffered with depression, I feel really shocked that this is being used to justify her betrayal. Also worth noting she was my BIL first relationship/ girlfriend, so he has no other frame of reference.
They've also decided to go ahead with the wedding this year, 10 months after the affair came out. While I think it's far enough to stay together, I think going ahead with the wedding as planned is a joke - especially with it taking place in a catholic church.
While the rest of the family have totally forgiven and forgotten, my husband and I are really struggling to come to terms with it and treat her as family. My husbands family don't want it to be talked about, it is completely swept under the carpet now, but I havent directly spoken to my BIL or his fiancee since this came out (6 months ago).
At the request of my mother in law (who i greatly respect, she has helped me a lot with my DS) I did reach out to the girl involved, suggesting we meet and bury the hatchet. The reply was quite a rude and basically indicated they were angry at us, and that she was willing to accept me as family 'no matter what' (inferring I'd done something wrong??).
Since that exchange of messages there has been no contact, I'm avoiding family situations/ occasions where they'll be and visa versa.
I'm happy to continue with this, but with the wedding approaching i feel it is going to come to a head, as I don't want to attend and don't want my son to attend.
I would go out of respect for my BIL (who was a close childhood friend and how I met my husband), but as he hasn't spoken to me since this happened I feel that I have no relationship with the bride or groom, and it feels bizarre to think of going to their wedding when I'm not on speaking terms with them.
I still feel so angry at her and I feel devasted for my BIL, because he is such a lovely guy and I feel he is being duped. None of his close friends know the truth and I worry the only people he confinded in - his parents- were more worried about maintaining the status quo (as the wedding invites had gone out, they own a house together etc) then his self esteem and self worth.
As the family have moved on so quickly, I feel they think IABU to still hold a grudge and not let it go, I also know it will hurt my MIL and FIL to not have me at the wedding, more then anything because they wouldn't like their friends to think/know they was an issue/dispute in the family.
I know I'm taking the moral highground with nothing to really gain, but just can't move pass the fact that she did this to my BIL and also to my work friend - who has now ended her marriage of 10 years.
It seems wrong that on one side a marriage is over, but on the other its business as usual and the wedding planning is in full swing.
Had her cheating been a one off, or even a two-off thing, I wouldn't feel as strongly but it was such a prolonged affair, with meeting for sex 1-2 times a week in my BIL house, there was also a lot of bad mouthing of my BIL in the messages exchanged, and she was putting a lot of pressure on the man involved to get a solicitor and get a divorce.
I also find it weird that while my work friends marriage was in a bad place - they were having counselling - my BIL was unaware of any problem, and his fiancee seemed fine and very actively planning her wedding.
Another side note is my own brother, having cheated on his fiancee went ahead with his wedding and then split after 6 months - and still can't start divorce proceedings as haven't been married long enough. I wish I'd advised my brother to delay his wedding, but as he was the wrong-doer I guess I encouraged him (or at least didn't discourage hime) to make things right by going through with it (in the end it was his wife's choice to end it). I'm raising this as I have recent experience with how marrying of the back of infidelity is never a good idea!
Sorry for such a long post...I guess my question to you guys is AIBU to not forgive and forget, and AIBU to not attend wedding?

Charolais brilliantly put.an thankyou for reminding me of this.in my own family I have had this and now want to go hug that side of the family for being like you've written.becase on the other side....well.
the "good" side are as you've put forgiving supporters.kind. and wonderful people.and it them I respect and love more.they aren't pushovers but there is a big difference between letting things go and finding a way to look at the good in people for the good than being judgmental bitches for almost the sake of it.

So not only shouldn't they be getting married but now they shouldn't be getting married in their choice of venue and should choose somewhere you seem more suitable. I'll ask again- just who do you think you are?

I think it's entirely up to your BIL and if he's going along with the wedding I'd go to support him. If she's done all that its hard to see it lasting though.

OP, I really hope that you're just having a vent on here and not spouting off like this to your husband. It's his brother. That 'blood thicker than water' thing is actually a thing.

You sound so incredibly judgemental. That is your husband's brother that you're judging and trying to run his life for him. Who elected you to do that?

Your SIL-to-be had an affair. It's wrong, no doubt about that, but if your BIL has forgiven it then quite frankly your opinion, and anybody else's, just doesn't count for anything.

The way you're going about it though, you could cause an enormous rift - and find yourself out in the cold. Your child is also your husband's child and if he wants to attend the wedding with his child, then he can do that. Whether you agree, or go, or not.

I'd go. For DP if nothing else as I think your SIL sounds unpleasant. I think if you don't go you risk making it all about you to those in the know. People may suspect something deeper is up or you may cause family drama.

HOWEVER- you don't have to forgive her. Even if the rest of the family do, you will know how you feel and seek minimum contact with her. After her wedding it sounds like you could go a v long time without contact.

Wrt to shared friends with BiL - not your story to tell. I wouldn't forgive you if it were me- I'd cut you. SiL sounds like she could very happily and easily stick a knife in there. Don't let her.

I just get the feeling they are having catholic wedding because they like the look of the church!

I'm pretty sure that at least one person has to be a confirmed (not just baptised) Catholic to get married in a Catholic church. Getting confirmed is a huge commitment as an adult and I don't know anyone who has done that lightly. If he or she was raised Catholic then it may well be that they feel a connection to the church even if they don't fully believe God. Either way is in not your place to decide their motives.

Marriage is considered a sacrament, but it is not necessary in order to "get in to heaven". And Catholics are indeed very big on forgiveness, so is she is genuinely contrite there is no reason she shouldn't be allowed to marry in the church.

The more you post, the more judgemental you sound. It really isn't your place to decide what is most fitting in their situation. It is absolutely between the two of them (and the Church if they want to marry there).

To be fair it sounds like the only person willing to stick the knife in right now is OP

Sorry to be clear - I don't believe those things, that is what the catholic faith dictates - at least on paper!

No it doesn't. You don't get barred from a catholic wedding because you had sex before marriage or had an affair. Or if you steal or lie or any of the other "sins" the church recognises. You ask for forgiveness and move on. And you don't need to prove to your extended family that you have asked for forgiveness.

I really do think your experiences in your own family of really harmful stuff being swept under the carpet and ignored is affecting how you view this. But it isn't the same thing. There is no secret. your BIL knows everything and has made a decision as an adult. You can't control it - you can only control your reaction. You either decide you will be disapproving forever and don't go to the wedding - and your relationship with BIL will probably never be in any way close. Or you do what a pp suggested and go along and spend as little time with the woman you dislike - as so many of us do at family gatherings.

@DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops - thank you for comment, I think it's good advice. If only for my MIL benefit, as it would hurt her to not have everyone there.

For people saying I am 'spouting' off at my husband, I don't where you've got this from. We are pretty aligned on our thoughts on them, he has forced himself to be around her to support my BIL. I've never said anything negative about BIL to him - or on this thread - so I'm not sure how 'blood is thicker thsn water' relates either.

I said that, OP, that I hoped you were NOT spouting off at your husband. It's your BIL but it's his brother. No, you haven't said anything negative about your BiL other than making him out to be some poor, half-witted, depressed soul who can't think for himself. I'm sure he doesn't see himself like that.

The blood being thicker than water relates to not making your husband choose between you and his brother (his blood). But, as you've said that he thinks just the same as you then that shouldn't be problem, should it?

Nobody has said that you're not entitled to your feelings but they don't take importance over your BIL's wishes and nor should they. Your earlier posts were very much all about you and your views on what your BIL should be doing and how your SIL to be should be shunned. That's not going to happen and you and the wider family are NOT owed an apology.

Honest question OP, and sorry if this comes out as rude. Have you got some kind of thing for your BIL? I ask as you seem scarily invested.

Ywbvu to watch a private vide of your soon to be sister in law having sex. They are getting married in the knowledge of the affair so yabu not to go.

I’d be same op.

Sil sounds like a right bit@h

Don’t go but be ‘sick with dc’ officially so you dh doesnt get grief when he’s there

I think you will find that the church believes we are all sinners but by God's grace we can be forgiven. So if she has confessed and had absolution that is the end of that. Let he without sin etc. I think you need to let this go, it's not up to you if they marry, where they marry or anything else. I'm with the ` you are investing too much in this' group. I know I have a tendency to over think and not let things go, but at the end of the day too often it just eats into me and I now realise it's better to stop and remove from the situation.I think you need to stop too.

Difficult.
But they are your family and your DS not being there, especially if they DO make it in the long term will be cause for bad blood in the future.
I would grit my teeth and bare it. Just make it known that you & DH are there for BIL if he needs you.

Why is it even worse that it's a catholic wedding? Are Catholics morally superior to the rest of us? It's more forgiveable to get married after an affair if you're just doing the registry office? It's the individuals who decide how seriously they take their wedding commitment, not their religious beliefs

@croprotationinthe13thcentury - fair question, I did think myself I sounded like I'm obsessed with him!

No def don't have a thing for him, but he is a lovely guy, we started being mates when we were about 8yo, and he is someone that has never changed - really solid, kind guy.

The irony is, we never saw a lot of them prior to all this happening- but didnt help that we bought a house in the same village as then just before all this kicked off, so are now on each others doorsteps!

I was trying to make the point Mellie that if it is going to be clear from the OPs demeanour on the day that she is not happy,then she shouldn't go, regardless of the fall out. Secondly, you may not give a shit about the hurt adultery causes within families, but having lived through it and the consequences of it from when I was 13 to when my Dad died when I was 35, I can entirely understand where the OP is coming from.

@User467, no sorry if sounded that way.

I think my point was if it was about being married - and not the wedding - in light of everything, I'd not do the big, white wedding thing.

Catholic marriage services are pretty heavy, a lot of the vows are very traditional - for example, saying you will honour your husband with your body.

In a civil ceremony they could write vows that were more relevent and appropriate to their relationships.

Sorry, I don't mean to offend, or make this about religion or marriage in general!

Op - ignore those saying yabu.

You have a quality that so many lack these days - integrity! You are not a hypocrite and won’t be drawn in to this farce of a wedding.

Felt sorry for bil until I remembered that he is an adult and is going into this with eyes wide open - more fool him.

The cynical side of me thinks your sil is forming up her legal status to get more of the pie 🥧 when she eventually leaves him for someone else.

Good luck to you living in a family who care more about appearance than reality. I’m in one of those (dh side are so fake it beggars belief) and it’s a bloody joke.

Good for you on having a moral compass and not being part of this joke 🎉🎉

Firming not forming!

@scaryteacher, thanks for your posts.

I think cheating is so damaging in some of the replies people seem quite flippant about it.

All said and done then OP, you’d probably be a hyporcrite to go. If people ask why you can give a straight answer. That you don’t like this woman and think the whole thing is a sham which you want no part of. Whether or not this wedding lasts, whether they are doing the right thing is all immaterial. Fact is, you think the whole thing stinks so going there just to keep up appearences is simply pointless. That’s what I think anyway.

Haven’t RTFT.

Completely understand why you feel how you do however, if BIL has forgiven her and wants to go ahead with the wedding, I think you all need to support him. It’s his relationship/wedding/future. Not yours.

Honestly I wouldn't go either. I would be happy for them, wish them the best, buy a nice present etc... and I would be polite and as pleasant as I could manage whenever I was in their company. Beyond that though, I would stay away from them. Their relationship is highly unlikely to be smooth sailing I'm afraid and keeping some distance from them would be the wisest approach to not get drawn into inlaw family arguments. She had a serious affair in which she actively wanted to be with the other person, all of this before she got married. I may be cynical but this alone makes me suspect they won't stay married in the long run.

Their relationship, her behaviour and what your BIL has decided to forgive is not your business of course, however you are well within your rights on a personal level to dislike her and not respect her as a good person, due to your knowledge of her behaviour and the damage it's caused.

I wouldn't extend an olive branch to her again either, she clearly blames you for further exposing her behaviour, it's up to her to reach out if she wants better relations (I'd always keep her at arms length personally). Just stay distant (but pleasant) from her and NEVER get drawn into a discussion about what has happened, it's not for you to dwell on. You know what you know, no need to talk of it ever again just focus on your own family and let the inlaws have their inevitable dramas.