To want wife to go away for a few days?

[LittleOrphanFunkhouser]

My DW has a trip to one of Europe's major cities planned with our DD (recently a toddler) staying with her parents in a very small apartment. I am not going, instead I booked a couple of days of work to coincide with their trip, during which I would mainly sit around in my pants at home watching movies I haven't been able to watch (because OH hates sci-fi), take the dog for long walks while I listen to podcasts, and generally savour some time without daddy/ husband duties. In the last few days DD has had extremely disrupted nights, waking up at three in the morning, screaming for no apparent reason and generally doing what toddlers do.. As a result DW is having second thoughts about going away for a week, where she and DD would be sharing quite a confined space with the in-laws. I want to encourage her to go, because I think she will enjoy it regardless, and also because I am looking forward to some time to myself. AIBU?

biscuit because he is putting his wish to have a few days in his own above the wish of his dw to stay at home.
Even though she is the one who organised the trip. And she is the one who will have to deal with said toddler on her own in a strange 0ace (for the dd).

The OP has noth8ng about the reason why his dw doesn’t want to go. She has a toddler who is unsettled. Ok. Until then nothing out of the ordinary. So why is she thinking about not going if she is supposed to get all that support etc?? Something else is going in that the OP is NOT talking about...

biscuit because he is putting his wish to have a few days in his own above the wish of his dw to stay at home.

Come on now. If you dh was going off to his parents and taking the toddler for 3 days and you were planning a lovely few child-free days, would you not even consider saying "ah I'd say you'll be fine your parents will be a real help" if he announced he was thinking of cancelling?

You're a better woman than I am if you would.

Agreed some double standards going on here. If this was a mum there would be different responses. Tbh if I was looking forward to time alone and it was taken away id be gutted. She should get the same relaxing time if you get these days.

Is it possible for her to stay in a hotel?

No pallister I wouldn’t if I could see that something was really bothering him so that he felt he had to stop going.
I wouod certainly first check and try and understand the reason.

I have done the whole travelling with toddlers when they were that age to see family abroad. It would takes a lot for me to not go having booked the tickets and knowing that is t justnip down the weekend after.
For me, someone who is cancelling a trip abroad to go see and family will have a good reason to do so. We haven’t hear anything from the OP to actually explain what are those reasons. Until I can hear what they really are, I will assume he is a twat who is putting his wishes before the needs of his wife.

Estalot the OP sais that his dw doesn’t want to be away from her dd.
She will NOT get a few days on her own.

The reasons why she doesn’t want to leave the dd with his father are to be seen. I appreciate that some women just don’t want to/are too anxious. Or it might well be that the OP is actually crap at looking after his dd.

All this talk about being able to ‘give it back’ so she has some time off too is something that will not happen.

TBH I'd be pissed that you booked annual leave that you could have used towards a family holiday, days as a family at home or going on the trip with her.

Why don’t you take DD and see how much of a lovely holiday it be?

Yanbu. Once or twice DH has had to go away with work, and I had to pack the kids off to my parents, as I could not get time off work, but since I worked 3 long days a week, I had great plans for my 4 days off, mostly of staying in my pyjamas, and watching all the crap I was too embarrassed to watch while DH is here!

You are allowed to look forward to time on your own and to want some time on your own. And be disappointed if it looks like that is not going to happen after all.

BH I'd be pissed that you booked annual leave that you could have used towards a family holiday, days as a family at home or going on the trip with her

Really, you would begrudge your bloke having the house and some time to himself?

Do you mean days off work? Or as you’ve written days of work? From the rest of the text I assume the first? My DH does this whenever I take the kids away. Then when it come to covering school holidays he works so muggins here has to pay for childcare once I’ve run out of leave. It really pisses me off.

@ALittleBitofEverything111 why are you paying for childcare? Not him?

Oh give him a break, no doubt she'll go away by herself at some piint. No wonder biggest killer of men under 45 is suicide.

So basically you want to get rid of your wife along with DD, so that you can have lazy, bachelor life for a few days? That’s all fine but exactly when does your dear wife get the same break??

YANBU in the slightest OP and I say that as someone who usually takes quite a jaded view of these things.

DP and I have had a few days away frequently since DD was about six months old. Sometimes one of us goes away, leaving DD with the other, or one of us goes away and takes DD, leaving the other to sit in their pants and watch the films the other doesn't like. DP is away doing her hobby at the moment and I have DD. In three weeks I'll be away for the weekend and DP will have her. It's good for our own MH, good for our relationship, and good for DD to have the undivided attention of one parent for a few days.

You would only be reasonable if you had concrete plans to give your wife a few child free days doing what she likes.

You both have a toddler. Why are you thinking of leaving the DC and each other? My DH and I have never spent a night apart in over forty years that wasn't enforced by work. We would never have deserted the other with a baby or a toddler.

I know that sounds restrictive and judgemental and is not the modern way as my DD and her partner are always having ‘me time’ weekends but I am not sure it enhances the relationship and they haven’t even got children yet. I cannot imagine one of them being able to cope with a baby or a toddler alone after an exhausting week at work.

Teacher22, I think that's just different personalities. If you were someone that needed alone time or gets energy from being on your own or with girlfriends, you wouldn't even question it. Even your use of the word 'desert' is very emotive and revealing. Many couples take delight in giving their partner the gift of a bit of space and relief from responsibilities, if it's reciprocated.

What a strange attitude Teacher22. Going away without your partner isn’t ‘deserting’ them. It’s healthy to spend time with friends/family and not live in each other’s pockets. And how do you know it doesn’t enhance your DD’s relationship? They wouldn’t do it if it wasn’t of some benefit to them, would they?

OP is just being human in my opinion, his main problem is holding this out for others to judge!

I don't think yabu. Everyone needs some down time. She will enjoy it and I'm sure her parents will help. However this has to be returned. Maybe take a day off or two in return and take your dd off her hands so she can sit around and do what she wants. I don't think it's unreasonable if it a two way street.

Why does it have to be returned?
His wife doesn't want to be away from the DD, so enforcing a time when she is, isn't going to help is it?

YANBU everybody needs alone time

I don't think you're being unreasonable to want some child free alone time to just be.
However she should get the same in return when she gets back ..a week, child free doing whatever the fuck she wants.

You're being disingenuous to suggest encouraging her to go is for her benefit when it's entirely for yours. At least own it. Then when she comes back take the kids for a week.

You'd hate my life @Teacher22. My dh and i spend every night all week apart.
He's not deserting me, he's going to work! We're perfectly happy.
What works for you doesn't work for everyone.

I know exactly how you feel and YANBU - i remember my DW planning a holiday to the South of England to see relatives for a week. I had time off work planned, some jobs round the house planned, boxsets and films lined up, then came the dream-crushing words: "You know what would be great - if you came too!!"