To want wife to go away for a few days?

[LittleOrphanFunkhouser]

My DW has a trip to one of Europe's major cities planned with our DD (recently a toddler) staying with her parents in a very small apartment. I am not going, instead I booked a couple of days of work to coincide with their trip, during which I would mainly sit around in my pants at home watching movies I haven't been able to watch (because OH hates sci-fi), take the dog for long walks while I listen to podcasts, and generally savour some time without daddy/ husband duties. In the last few days DD has had extremely disrupted nights, waking up at three in the morning, screaming for no apparent reason and generally doing what toddlers do.. As a result DW is having second thoughts about going away for a week, where she and DD would be sharing quite a confined space with the in-laws. I want to encourage her to go, because I think she will enjoy it regardless, and also because I am looking forward to some time to myself. AIBU?

The times dh took the toddler back home for a visit, I'd have been gutted if my few days of freedom had been cancelled. I've gone off on my own with a small child too and left him free for a few days.

This must be a reverse! Please god.

You're both being reasonable.

You're 100% reasonable for looking forward to a few days of pants wearing and podcasts. She's 100% reasonable for not wanting a few days with a ratty child in a small foreign place.

I think it's a bit unreasonable to say you want her to go for her benefit though. You want her to go for your benefit!

Personally, my solution would be you encourage her to go, then you give her a full weekend off from parenting duties in the very near future, just as you're getting.

This must be a reverse! Please god

Why do you think it's a reverse?

Yanbu

I’d love a break like you describe!

Good luck!

YANBU, if you keep the promise of looking after your DD when your DW wants to have some time for herself (how about you book her a weekend away and kick her out of the house telling her to go and enjoy. Worked for me.)
It's good to have a time off and if your PILs will help your DW to look after the DD, she can relax too.

Yanbu if you can give your dw 3 days of from wife /mother duties

YANBU, it really doesn't affect your DW whether you are working or at home while she's away.
Have other posters missed the fact that DW is going ON HOLIDAY?
Yes, looking after children can be challenging (even with on-hand babystitters), but she's going on holiday!
Anyone would think he'd locked her in the house with the DC while he was going away!

Up to your wife if she goes or not.

If not-a couple of days with your wife & daughter-lovely.

Reverse

Well, I had saycor me, going away to my parents IS a relaxing time because, unlike H, they did look/help to look after the dcs, were doing some cooking et... making my whole life 100x easier than at home.

So I know that being away at your parents with a toddler can be bliss.

The question is WHY is your dw having second thought though. She might be worried about annoying the neigbourgs, her parents, worried her dd is ill etc... And obviously depending on the reason, she might well be ok there.

However, I want to point out to you that there are numerous studies showing that men actually don’t do as much as they think they do (and women do more than they think they do). You might strive to be somehow equal but it’s oikely that the situation is NOT equal. Your wish for your dw to go to her parents regardless of the reason why she doesn’t anymore (and even if her parents are very helpful) shows that, in this case, you have no hesitation putting yourself first before your dw wellbeing

I’m with you OP, a date with the sofa and boxsets is the best.

Safeguard your time by ensuring your DW is well rested, so take over the night wakings for a night or two and then she can leave happy and well rested. Everyone’s a winner.

And btw of course I’m sure everyone would enjoy some days by themselves.
The problem is you already do if your dw doesn’t like leave her dd for more than a few hours. I’m sure you will plenty of opportunties..

AND the best answer for your dw might be a few days at home with you.

What should come first? You having a nice time or her? And why?

buntyl
Why aren't you looking after the child while she goes away? Did that even cross your mind? FFS

Perhaps the grandparents want to spend time with their granddaughter? Did that even cross your mind? FFS

Why don’t you look after your child until she goes away so she's not exhausted. Hopefully parents will help when she’s there. Take over child care for a couple of days when she comes back. That’s fair!

Perhaps the grandparents want to spend time with their granddaughter? Did that even cross your mind? FFS hmm

seriously! I can imagine my parents' faces if I had arrived home without the toddler they were dying to see and help me mind.

no you are not being unreasonable. you both need breaks from each other and the kid, it's normal. not giving each other breaks would be unreasonable, like some sort of hot housing.

schedule in some more breaks.

I think it's fair enough and yanbu if as others have said you then reciprocate at some point.
Your wife will probably get a bit of a break while her parents look after the toddler.
I think she needs to begin weaning herself away from the notion that she can't be separated from the child for more than a couple of hours though.
P.S. Looking after your own child occasionally does not signal equality.

How can you be this selfish. You have actuallytaken time off to spend alone instead of taking time off to spend with your family. You think she will be having a blast. She's probably thinking why should I go and have that stress when he's staying at home watching tv a missing about on his own! Get a grip of yourself!

You’re not being selfish OP. I’d be feeling the fear they weren’t going at this point.

Time alone is good for the soul.

YANBU I have done the same thing while DH took 2 dd's abroad to visit his parents. But yes in the future you should return the favour.

^I agree

You think she will be having a blast.

She's going on holiday, with her parents there to help out.
If she isn't having a blast, she can choose not to go.
FFS!

YANBU she said she was going to go so you've planned out how you'll enjoy your time. Nothing wrong with that, we all need time to ourselves.

I don't think you're being unreasonable, but I think you need to make sure you are doing everything possible to help your wife get ready for the trip, including doing more of the night wakings in the run up.

Talk about jumping down someone's throat, the automatic presumption that the bloke thinks that childcare is more the woman's responsibility, the op has said that his wife was taking the child to visit her parents, so how the hell can that happen if the child stays with him. Just proves that in the haste to lambast a bloke for not expecting to do equal childcare, all reason flies out the window. It really is beyond tiresome.