Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU husband won't let me attend his gigs

130 replies

Bijoux55 · 16/05/2018 18:20

My husband is a musician & DJ. We used to always go his gigs together and I helped sell merchandise etc. Now he has a new band and refuses to let me go with him to gigs or DJ slots. He says it's his thing, there's no room in the car - anything. Even if it's in our town. We seldom go out together anyway and I feel unreasonably lonely (I have no family & few friends) and left out after enjoying going to the gigs for many years. If I approach him about it he gets angry. Then I get tearful and he gets crosser. I feel like I'm trying to foist myself somewhere I'm obviously not welcome anymore. Quite depressed. There are 2 other people in the band, a man & a woman. We have no children so no babysitting problems. Any ideas? Thanking people in advance.

OP posts:
neveradullmoment99 · 16/05/2018 20:05

Go anyway, without him knowing. Take a friend. See what he's up to
This. He is hiding something from you.

Furano · 16/05/2018 20:05

At least you’ve not got any children together.you can make a fresh start, away from this guy who doesn’t want to spend time with you.

WalkingOnAFlashlightBeam · 16/05/2018 20:11

To be fair Prancing, OP was the one who said she thought her husband might believe she's cramping his style.

Sparklynails7 · 16/05/2018 20:13

I'm sorry OP but this sounds really suspicious. I can understand that there might not be enough room for another person in the car if it's filled up with band members and music equipment, but it is really strange that he doesn't even want you to make your own way to any of his gigs. It's also weird that he gets angry. He isn't worth your time and energy. Ditch him.

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 16/05/2018 20:13

Definitely dodgy. Grab some shades and an extra pair of knickers. Take a friend and then do a bit of sleuthing.

Hygge · 16/05/2018 20:18

I'm not normally one for saying OW are blameless in affairs (you know what you're doing when you get involved with someone who's married, you do share the blame) but we don't know if the female bandmate has any interest at all in the OP's husband.

So perhaps it's not fair to be blaming her or having a go at her hygiene or appearance. It's the OP's husband causing the problems at this point, that's all we know.

I would be thinking that he's hiding something or someone, whether that is another woman or just that he's enjoying the attention of girls and women at the gigs, or something else, we don't know.

I think you have to make a decision OP. You're not happy with things the way they are, so that leaves insisting you go along as you always have, going in secret to see if you can catch him out or get some idea of what he's doing, or you can tell him that you've had enough of his secrets and attitude and end things.

itchyknees · 16/05/2018 20:24

You need to go along with a mate OR get a different mate to go without you and report back.

I can cover North London and northern Home Counties. Grin

Original poster
Bijoux55 · 16/05/2018 20:26

To be honest whilst I'm grateful for and appreciate the helpful comments and advice, I find having the piss taken out of me here not what I expected. My fault I daresay as why would one social media site differ from another. So with thanks to the posters who took the time out if their lives to try and help, I'm out of here.

OP posts:
Petalflowers · 16/05/2018 20:27

Great idea, Itchy, Mumsnet Mums night out. I’m up,for that.

Give us his next gig details, and the Mumsnet army will spy for you (whilst having a glass or two of vino, all in the name of duty, of course!)

itchyknees · 16/05/2018 20:32

That would be so awesome! Go on OP. We will have this mess cleared up in a jiffy.

itchyknees · 16/05/2018 20:33

Just seen your post OP, I really wasn’t taking the piss, I genuinely meant it!

Hang in there. Things might not be so grim.

UserV · 16/05/2018 20:34

@bijoux55 take no notice of the pisstakers. Every thread has one or two.

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through, and I agree with the posters saying something is going on. Cannot add to what people have said, (as they have said it all,) but I agree that you need to sneakily go to a gig.

CardinalSin · 16/05/2018 20:35

I would guess it's not the other band member, but the string of young groupies that he doesn't want you to see.

Juells · 16/05/2018 20:36

I didn't intend to take the piss either, and I'm sorry if you think that's what I was doing :(

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 16/05/2018 20:42

@bijoux55 💐

Iflyaway · 16/05/2018 21:05

Sorry, can't read a long text like that without paragraphs...

So got put off before giving you my thoughts.....

LTB?

Sounds miserable anyway.

SoyDora · 16/05/2018 21:07

Sorry, can't read a long text like that without paragraphs...

Then probably best to just not bother commenting and move on to another thread? Hmm

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 16/05/2018 21:12

A long text? It's 8 lines. Grin hardly War and Peace.

Glaciferous · 16/05/2018 21:50

Sorry, can't read a long text like that without paragraphs...

I suspect MN may be a bit complicated for you, then. It is ONE paragraph and pretty damn clear.

OP, I am sorry for you. You haven't done anything wrong. It does sound like your relationship is in trouble in some way. If you can't think of something you have done, then unfortunately it is probably because of something he has done or is doing.

MMcanny · 16/05/2018 21:54

“Have you got a gig on Saturday? Oh, OK, Michael from work invited me out for a drink. I’lol do that to keep myself occupied.”

trixymalixy · 16/05/2018 22:32

I know three married men who were in bands who had OW on the go. Sorry.

ScrubTheDecks · 16/05/2018 22:36

OP, so sorry you are in this situation, of course you are sad and lonely.

Whatever may or may not be going on with your DH, I think it would be healthier for you to re-kindle some old friendships and develop some new interests.

For his job to be your social life makes him the focal point of your relationship and leaves you too vulnerable.You need a life that HE is interested in and supports you in, to match your interest in his.

Or shake his view of you as his ‘home comfort ‘ and taking you for granted. You are not a pair of ancient slippers! E mail a friend who moved to the other side of the country and go and stay. Or sign up to a weekend yoga course or outward bound or whatever takes your fancy.

phoebemac · 17/05/2018 08:51

As with everyone else, this would make me very suspicious. Maybe not so much if he said he didn't want you to go to every single gig, but none at all?

You say the "feral" woman hero-worships him, I wonder if he's taking advantage of that...

I would absolutely go to a gig.

MissionItsPossible · 17/05/2018 09:59

When he goes to the next one in your town can you go (as an audience member) and spy on him?

Contrabassista · 17/05/2018 10:07

I’m a musician and get really annoyed when partners get jealous about me talking to other musicians at work but frankly this sounds really dodgy. I would never veto a partner from coming to a gig. Are you still sleeping together? Has he changed sexually? Bite the bullet and ask him what’s going on as you’re just going to eat yourself up about it otherwise. If it is over then better to know early on. Trust your gut. That’s obviously telling you something.

Swipe left for the next trending thread