AIBU husband won't let me attend his gigs

[Bijoux55]

My husband is a musician & DJ. We used to always go his gigs together and I helped sell merchandise etc. Now he has a new band and refuses to let me go with him to gigs or DJ slots. He says it's his thing, there's no room in the car - anything. Even if it's in our town. We seldom go out together anyway and I feel unreasonably lonely (I have no family & few friends) and left out after enjoying going to the gigs for many years. If I approach him about it he gets angry. Then I get tearful and he gets crosser. I feel like I'm trying to foist myself somewhere I'm obviously not welcome anymore. Quite depressed. There are 2 other people in the band, a man & a woman. We have no children so no babysitting problems. Any ideas? Thanking people in advance.

I'm sorry, Bijoux55, this would be the end for me.

My H plays in a band so I can imagine what it feels like for you. I couldn't continue with the relationship under those circumstances. It would be my bottom line, no question, regardless of whether he's seeing someone else or not. You must feel very sad but it would make you sadder still to put up with that sort of rejection long term.

Your hygiene is beyond compare
With tangled locks of dirty hair
With filthy skin and eyes of muddy green

Tragic Feral Woman,
I'm begging of you please don't take my man
Tragic Feral Woman,
Please don't take him just because you can

Turn up and lurk at the back so he doesn't know you're there. You'll feel rotten to be spying on him, but you need to know before you sink any deeper into feeling spare.

Smell him when he comes home, see if he smells of the smelly woman. Or freshly showered, even worse!

Realistica, I think that's cruel and unpleasantly mocking of the OP's situation.

Bijoux55 is a real person in a sad situation who has reached out to us.

I would ask a friend he did not know to go to the gig and report back to me how he behaves and if he seems to be with anyone else there.

He likes me at home being a comfort I suppose
He is conspired to think of you home alone and miserable when you want to enjoy this with him.

Go, see if you can find someone from work or go alone. If I was your friend I'd even offer to go for you. Something is going on.

Do you hear him practise? Is there DEFINITELY a band?

so when did u get to meet the other members

hes definitely hiding something or someone

I'd find it odd and unsettling that one adult thinks they can not let another do something. I'd be thinking about the foundations of my relationship with them.

He likes you at home as a "comfort"

What are you, his mother ?

Midlife crisis? I'd disguise myself and hide at the back if the venue isn't too small. It's hard so some groupies don't even care if the band members partners are there. May just be an ego trip and no actual action. Either way he's being mean esp as u don't have any mates to go out with it.

I would turn up unexpectedly and stay in the shadow so that he cannot see me.
I would not say one word about being there to him and continue to watch.
You need to start planning your exit.
Open yourself a bank account and start putting money in it. The last thing you want is to be left broke and alone.

You need to start planning your exit.
Open yourself a bank account and start putting money in it.

This is sound advice.

Get your ducks in a row.

I've got 'Devil woman' by cliff richards stuck in my head now but 'feral woman' instead.

It's one of 2 things, either you are clingy and cramp his style when you go to his gigs or he's hiding something - poss an affair with feral woman.

Could you send someone to spy on him at one of his gigs?

I would be suspicious, he’s either up to something with someone else or he’s not that into you anymore and embarrassed to be seen with you. What ever the reason I wouldn’t be happy and would consider leaving him

You mention an age gap, what is it?

Regular OW or groupies. You’d cramp his style.

There's no way a woman has no personal hygiene because she's from a "tragic" upbringing. From my experience of bands/DJs that unkempt feral look indicates a penchant for crack cocaine.

He's shagging her or has another woman attending all his gigs, sorry.
You deserve better than this.

I think his getting angry is a sign he knows he is in the wrong. Sorry, OP.

You say you go out very seldom - did you use to go out together a lot as well as to the gigs?

I don't mean to alarm you but my uncle was in bands since his teens. Married for 25 years. Stopped letting his wife go to gigs. Guess what? He was shagging the new lead singer 20 years his junior. I mean FFS. Such a cliche.

So unfortunately if there's a change in behaviour there's usually a cause.

Is he needing to do a lot of rehearsals?

Been there 😢

I think you should send a friend to spy on him at the next few gigs.

Also, get yourself dressed up and out on nights he's out, and make sure you get home after him (even if you're reading a book in the car)

FFS people!
‘He’s embaressed to be seen with you’
‘You’d cramp his style’

No bloody need for that - talk about kick someone when they’re down.

*embarrassed.

Maybe he is shagging the vain man.