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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU husband won't let me attend his gigs

130 replies

Bijoux55 · 16/05/2018 18:20

My husband is a musician & DJ. We used to always go his gigs together and I helped sell merchandise etc. Now he has a new band and refuses to let me go with him to gigs or DJ slots. He says it's his thing, there's no room in the car - anything. Even if it's in our town. We seldom go out together anyway and I feel unreasonably lonely (I have no family & few friends) and left out after enjoying going to the gigs for many years. If I approach him about it he gets angry. Then I get tearful and he gets crosser. I feel like I'm trying to foist myself somewhere I'm obviously not welcome anymore. Quite depressed. There are 2 other people in the band, a man & a woman. We have no children so no babysitting problems. Any ideas? Thanking people in advance.

OP posts:
MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 16/05/2018 18:37

I would find out where he's playing next and just turn up unexpectedly. Even if you don't actually see anything conclusive, his reaction will be very telling.

FuckPants · 16/05/2018 18:38

He's fucking someone else, that's why he doesn't want you there.

PurpleStarInCashmereSky · 16/05/2018 18:43

Yes unfortunately he is either having/looking to have an affair or he doesn't want you around him in public.

I'm so sorry OP but I would be kicking him out over this. He has no respect for you.

callmeadoctor · 16/05/2018 18:44

Thats really sad Op Sad

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 16/05/2018 18:45

Just turn up to a gig and see what is going on.
In the meantime make plans for what your life will be without him.

SymphonyofShadows · 16/05/2018 18:46

This happened to a friend of mine. Turned out he was involved with a much younger 'groupie' who hung on his every word and thought he was amazing even though his band are a pile of shite. He lost everything, his DC don't speak to him and he didn't get invited to his son's wedding.

expatinscotland · 16/05/2018 18:46

He's hiding someone else.

BalloonSlayer · 16/05/2018 18:47

Might you have embarrassed him the last time you went? Get drunk/start dancing?

Didn't like to suggest that but it's an alternative to having an affair.

Sad
dingdongdigeridoo · 16/05/2018 18:47

It sounds like he wants to live the single life and is probably trying to impress the groupies. Even local bands get a lot of that sort of attention. I’d just turn up to a local one and see what he says.

Wolfiefan · 16/05/2018 18:48

Or is the new band totally different to the old one and he knows you will think it's a bit shit?
I too would turn up at the next one.

Dieu · 16/05/2018 18:49

Woah, some pretty over the top responses here.
My thought is that he wants his own space. And that you should focus on building a life for yourself too, outside of his interests. It sounds a bit claustrophobic.

ButtermilkBiscuits · 16/05/2018 18:50

Regardless of whether or not he's got someone else (which he obviously does) he doesn't care if he hurts your feelings and gets angry when you're upset. Major red flags OP. He's checked out of the marriage emotionally and sees you as an adversary.

SandyY2K · 16/05/2018 18:50

If he hasn't got any reason to be embarrassed about you being there, then I'd suspect an affair.

Do the other band members have partners? Do they attend the gigs?

Are you sure he's actually going to gigs when he says he is?

Asides from this is your relationship good? Intimacy? Social life?

whyaresquishiesnotsquishy · 16/05/2018 18:50

Can you compromise and say you will go to one gig a month?

There is no compromise here. He doesn't want her there. That's hurtful.

If he's checked out of the relationship, or doesn't want to be with the OP he should have the guts to say so.

If he wants to carry on having a relationship with her being his wife at home in a way that's convenient for him, but he doesn't want to share the fun bits of his life with her, then he's turned into an arsehole who's using her.

Bijoux55 do you have any RL support?

Mannix · 16/05/2018 18:51

I would be really upset about this.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 16/05/2018 18:53

He can't prevent you from going, it's a free country. Sounds like he'll be angry with you if you do but I'd have to, to find out what's going on.

Branleuse · 16/05/2018 18:54

blatantly about another woman

Butterymuffin · 16/05/2018 18:54

Something to hide. Can you just show up at a nearby gig? Or could a friend go along and see what's happening?

Flexoset · 16/05/2018 18:56

ButtermilkBiscuits has it right.

His "reason" for doing this is not really the point. Whyever he's doing this, he's still an arse.

Littlechocola · 16/05/2018 18:56

Can’t you just turn up?

Realistica · 16/05/2018 19:01

Yeah, it's pretty weird. I can't think of any GOOD reason why I would not want my OH to come to a gig I was playing. There's just no logical reason.

BewareOfDragons · 16/05/2018 19:04

Sorry, OP.

He is pretending he's single on his nights out or he is involved with someone already. EIther way, he appears to be done with your marriage. THe anger is telling.

I'm sorry he can't just be honest.

CalF123 · 16/05/2018 19:05

Unfortunately, I don't think it's gigs he's going to...

ICantCopeAnymore · 16/05/2018 19:05

Go anyway, without him knowing. Take a friend. See what he's up to.

tradervictoria · 16/05/2018 19:06

You attending a gig as a 'surprise' seems well overdue.

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