AIBU husband won't let me attend his gigs

[Bijoux55]

My husband is a musician & DJ. We used to always go his gigs together and I helped sell merchandise etc. Now he has a new band and refuses to let me go with him to gigs or DJ slots. He says it's his thing, there's no room in the car - anything. Even if it's in our town. We seldom go out together anyway and I feel unreasonably lonely (I have no family & few friends) and left out after enjoying going to the gigs for many years. If I approach him about it he gets angry. Then I get tearful and he gets crosser. I feel like I'm trying to foist myself somewhere I'm obviously not welcome anymore. Quite depressed. There are 2 other people in the band, a man & a woman. We have no children so no babysitting problems. Any ideas? Thanking people in advance.

I used to go out with a lead singer. He always wanted me there. Got a bit knackering but he'd sing a particular song for and to me (I was in the audience).

All low level and a long time ago, but the general gist is still there - he should want you to be watching and supporting, and out enjoying yourself.

I do know the other band members. The guy is one of those still waters run shallow types veryinti his image and the young woman is very strange: from a very deprived tragic background, almost feral, complete lack of personal hygiene for example not deliberately but because she knows nothing else. She obviously hero worships my husband who is very good looking and charming. I have worried they have a thing but he denies it vehemently and makes me feel nasty for even thinking it. Husband is headstrong, doesn't like being questioned but can be very kind, funny and thoughtful.

I’d feel really hurt. It’s one thing to want your own space and your own ‘thing’ but to say he doesn’t want you there repeatedly is odd and mean. It raises alarm bells. I’d just turn up next time and gauge how they are on stage together or see what happens after the show. I’m sorry OP.

He’s hiding something. And you need to know what...

Feral ?

What's "kind, funny and thoughtful" about not letting you attend his gigs?

I think a clandestine operation is in order. A wig and glasses should do the trick.

Could you turn up at a gig and blend in to the crowd just to observe? You could pretend to meet a friend and then go to the gig saying your friend let you down do you thought you'd pop in (if you need a cover story)

He's definitely hiding something. It may be an affair, it may not be but the whole intention of keeping something from you would prompt me to just show up on one of his gig dates and see what he does or says.

I'm older than him. Maybe he thinks that cramps his style. He likes me at home being a comfort I suppose. Pretty sad about this.

One of those "still waters run shallow" types and a tragic, feral woman 😆

Are you a writer, OP? You probably should be.

OP, I suspect you are right, he is lying.
You need to find out for the sake of your sanity.
Do you have anyone close to confide in, someone who'll come along to one of his gigs with you ?

Drugs?

Do you actually believe that? Or do you just want to?

Even if my OH wasn't fucking around and just didn't want me there cos i 'cramped his style' I'd be letting him know not to worry as I won't be around to cramp his style any more.

Deffo wig and glasses, I would have to know for sure he wasnt cheating. Mind you dont suppose he would be bonking anyone on the stage in full view.

You can't go on like this. I fear that your marriage is in trouble. Either he wants you or he doesn't - if he does, then that includes taking you along as often as possible. He is hurting you: as your husband he should want you there.

Have you told him how lonely you feel?

Do you have any other interests or hobbies that you could do when he is with band? it could be that he just needs some space.

Could you suggest since not going to gigs that you go out another together time instead... if he isn't interested then another woman or marriage is over or another man?

I would just turn up at randomn. DH is a musician, and there were a couple of women who threw themselves at him at gigs, even when I was there. DH, I must admit was open and honest about being terrified of them. When the DS's got to about 13yo, they started to go with him on a Saturday gig (DS3 was much younger so I struggled with babysitters).

2 x teenage DS's are a great put off to predatory groupies.

If he isn’t trying to pull ‘feral’ woman he’s trying to pull someone - audience members..?

Sadly no. I'm pretty much a loner, tjough not by choice I must say. It's just how my life has fallen out. I used to have more friends but work got in the way and I woke up one day to find my pals were either halfway across the country or had lost interest. I understand he needs space as we all do. I understand everyone likes to be admired. I also know it's not a perfect marriage but I would like to find a way to make it work better. We used to have a lot of fun at gigs and went all over. I miss it. O also feel a bit pathetic not having it out with him but I really don't want to be where I'm not wanted either. Eek.

Lady, start your own band..Waters Run Shallow can be your first hit..Tragic Feral Woman can be the follow up..

He makes you feel bad for legitimately having a concern...that speaks volumes!

Melli 😂

Turn up by surprise - whats stopping you?

Either hes doing something with feral woman or theres another woman attending all his gigs.

Or he just doesn't want you there which in some ways i find worse.

He's shagging the feral women. Forget the notion the OW are always young/slim/fitter etc etc it's BS