MIL killing with “kindness”

[gravytrains]

I have become to think that my mother-in-law isn’t a very nice person.

She keeps doing things that aren’t nice under the guise of “helping” or forgetting. But there are only so many mistakes or infringements that someone can make before you get to thinking something is wrong.

For instance, DH and I are doing low carb to lose weight before our holiday. For the first time ever, MIL has started bringing high carb baking with her when she visits. She used the downstairs loo after specifically being told not to because the flush was broken. We put a sign on the door after that and she still tried to get in. She threw away packaging for a top I was sending back. She’s never tidied in my house before but suddenly decided to put the bag and receipts in the bin (I noticed and fished them out).

But that pales into insignificance with what she’s done to SIL. SIL has been away on a “self help” holiday (not organised, just herself) to try and get a new start after her marriage breakup. She wanted to lose weight, get fitter and, most importantly, wean herself off the otc painkillers she has been taking. MIL knew this yet still got some shopping in for her, including the fucking paracetamol. She said “Well she always has them” and got upset. But that’s tipped me over the edge, I think she’s sabotaging on purpose whilst pretending to be helpful.

Could you point out to her that buying the paracetamol is like buying an alcoholic just out of rehab a bottle of their favourite.

It sounds damn annoying or she's forgetful or she just isn't thinking and therefore is selfish

DH told her just that Fluffy but she just got upset. She’s always done annoying things but now I think she is doing it on purpose.

Perhaps suggest with a tone of great concern that she seems to be forgetting things she’s been told that are fairly important and perhaps she should visit the GP to get her memory looked at, as this can be a sign of early dementia.

Point out each one every time, with other people in earshot, and repeat as needed.

Refuse the baking politely and serve it to her with every cuppa. She simply must eat it because of course she couldn’t have brought it for you as you’ve told her repeatedly you’re doing that diet.

Basically bulldoze with kindness back. Point it out every time.

And yes she probably is doing it deliberately. What is her wanted outcome? To sabotage? Make sure that doesn’t happen and call her bluff.

Yes, sounds like she's quite possibly a cow.

So I'd be pretty brutal in my dealings.

High carb baking? Straight in the bin. In front of her. 'Well we did say, I know you wouldn't want to see me or DH disappointed in our weight loss, I know you would want to be as supportive as possible!'

She gets upset? 'But MIL we wouldn't eat them so they would just sit there then go in the bin. Sorry you're upset, but you'll definitely remember next time!' Be tough.

Tell her nothing - change the way you relate. Why does she know about your top/your low carbing? Tell her absolutely nothing. If she queries - bland smile. 'Really MIL? You feel we don't talk to you any more? Gosh I hadn't noticed. There's nothing really happening I suppose...?'

If anything specific comes up, make a little joke which lets her know you're on to her. E.g. the low carbing. You'd look at MIL and pull a little amused face - 'Wait, now that we've said that's what you're doing, I'm going to put a pound bet on you bringing a box of cakes when you next visit MIL! (wink)'

And, final thing - you can keep her at arm's length if you really need to. It's your house.

Thanks Yarnswift that’s a good plan.

Yarnswift perfect. Kill with kindness back.
But do also ask her if she is having memory problems in your most concerned voice.

Fizzy she knew about the low carbing because we were eating at her place and DH warned her. The packaging was just on the side in the kitchen, I don’t know if I mentioned sending the top back but who throws out other peoples stuff?! And it had a receipt in it, we always shred those if throwing away.

But I get your point, thanks.

I'd be genuinely worried about her mental condition. Has she always been like this? How old is she?

Having the exact same problem with mine - posted yesterday on here.

Only way to overcome is for your DP and SIL to take a stand. if you do, you will look like the big bad wolf here.

It's so, so hard getting DP to see how manipulative/controlling their own mother can be but once they do realise your life will be lots easier x

She’s always been jealous person and always been scatty I suppose you could call it. She doesn’t book tickets for things she wants to go to for instance, even if you remind and remind her, as if she is sabotaging herself. Then when they are sold out, she moans.

But she’s never “picked on” her children before really, only things I thought were genuine mistakes like saying she would do something and then not doing it. Perhaps they weren’t mistakes, I don’t know.

Oh and she’s 69.

Will look for your thread Lola

I too would be concerned about her mental state.
And is paracetamol addictive?

Some people are like that. I have an aunt like that and her mother was the same, just wasn't smart enough to be as sneaky as my aunt.
It's not killing with kindness. It's deliberate sabotage of something for her own selfish means. Looks like she wants to keep control over you. Be the one to tell you "But I care so much. Oh, poor you, you put on so much again, maybe you should be on a diet. Oh dear, don't you think you are taking too many painkillers? So you wanted to return the shirt but couldn't find the packaging and now you're stuck with that? Poor thing."
It's a weird way of having one over you but I've met people like that. They're awful and horrible because nobody suspects them, to the outside they're really kind and maybe sometimes confused and forgetful but really amazing and sweet anyway.
Everybody on the outside who knows my aunt believe she's the bees knees, a kind and caring person. In reality, she's manipulative, spiteful and mean. When my father suffered from bad migraines and became so addicted to pain killers that he had to go to rehab, she tried to smuggle even stronger pain killers to the hospital (because her poor brother was suffering from withdrawal syndrome). When my sister asked her to be mindful of the fact that my younger niece has an issue with pronunciation of some consonants due to many ear infections when she was little, she played games with her and her sister where my younger niece was the baby and was supposed to speak the baby talk.
Keep away from her, she's not killing you with kindness, she's manipulating you so she can be a controlling factor in your lives. Ignore her. Dump the cakes in front of her. Tell her she's trying to kill your sister by intentionally buying her painkillers. Show her you're seeing through her mind games. And don't be influenced by her innocent hurt face.

As other pp have said, what you have said indicates a change in mental condition and you should be addressing because I think she may need it.

Does sound like it could be memory loss - she's not retaining new information she is given.

MiLs do this. Mine decided to 'clean' our bath with a brillo pad. It was a plastic bath. No idea why. She wasn't a tidy or clean house person normally.

Oh no I didn't mean it in a negative way to you OP - the 'why does she know' thing. I just meant, that's something you can also minimise. If up to now you've not really thought of having to keep everyday stuff from her, that's something to consider as a way of 'barricading' her out, iyswim?

But that's not so easy if you have an intertwined, everyday contact kind of life - as your replies illustrate - eating together - her visiting - if these things start being issues - the only way is to minimise contact, sadly. But that could be another way to subtly make your point...?

'Oh we won't come to dinner, thanks. Maybe see you just for a couple of hours. I know the low-carb thing is a pain for you!' (subtext: you sabotage, you lose out MIL)

'Oh don't worry about coming round! We'll pop by yours sometime. Feel bad as last time you were here you were feeling you had to tidy up and everything! Found lots of stuff in the bin! Soooo - you just relax at yours and we'll pop by ever so soon...' (subtext: busted you on the tidying. You now lose out, MIL...)

@Yarnswift

Perhaps suggest with a tone of great concern that she seems to be forgetting things she’s been told that are fairly important and perhaps she should visit the GP to get her memory looked at, as this can be a sign of early dementia.

Oh so cruel, but so fitting 🤣🤣🤣

gravytrains

Keep this woman well away from you and your life. She has form for doing similar with her own kids. Tell her nothing of note re your life.

Disordered of thinking people do such behaviours Jaxhog and is because they want power and control over all those around them. Its manipulation by any other name and it is deliberate in intent.

I would think this lady would have gone completely berserk with you had you gone into her house and scrubbed her plastic bath with a brillo pad.

Is she in your house when you aren’t? I think you need to put a stop to that if you can.

It does sound deliberate if she only does these things when she knows she shouldn't. I don't know what to suggest to stop her though.

“The packaging was just on the side in the kitchen, I don’t know if I mentioned sending the top back but who throws out other peoples stuff?! And it had a receipt in it, ”

So she put a torn, used parcel that was sitting on the kitchen counter into a bin. She didn’t see the receipt and she didn’t know it was for your new top nor that you were returning it.

I get the feeling you’re looking for problems.

My ex mil is like this. I used to just think she was a bit well stupid but over time I realised she was equally as poisonous as her sister just cleverer about it. I ended up fighting back and she hated it and me she still does thankfully I don’t have to see her now.
She still to this day thinks I was in the wrong and still am for many things like refusing to allow theee children in the back of a 4 seat car because it was only a 10 minute journey and that exh only agreed because I bullied him.

Don’t have any advice because basically I ended up picking up on everything that led to huge conflict at times and you probably don’t want that.

I think this does sound like deliberate sabotage. I think it's very calculating, very clever because a lot of those things are just vague enough to leave that smidge of doubt that "perhaps it was well-intended". But with your SIL, that's pretty unequivocal. You don't "support" someone trying to wean themselves off something by sending them more of the thing they are avoiding.

I think you should challenge her, in a completely calm, emotion-free way, the next time that she does something like this. "MIL, you know that we are on a low carb diet. Therefore, we can't eat this baking. It's a lovely thought, but please take it home with you". "MIL, do you not remember that we asked you not to use the downstairs toilet because the flush is broken". I think the idea, upthread, of faking concern for her apparently fading memory is a good one.