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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

MIL killing with “kindness”

103 replies

gravytrains · 16/05/2018 09:34

I have become to think that my mother-in-law isn’t a very nice person.

She keeps doing things that aren’t nice under the guise of “helping” or forgetting. But there are only so many mistakes or infringements that someone can make before you get to thinking something is wrong.

For instance, DH and I are doing low carb to lose weight before our holiday. For the first time ever, MIL has started bringing high carb baking with her when she visits. She used the downstairs loo after specifically being told not to because the flush was broken. We put a sign on the door after that and she still tried to get in. She threw away packaging for a top I was sending back. She’s never tidied in my house before but suddenly decided to put the bag and receipts in the bin (I noticed and fished them out).

But that pales into insignificance with what she’s done to SIL. SIL has been away on a “self help” holiday (not organised, just herself) to try and get a new start after her marriage breakup. She wanted to lose weight, get fitter and, most importantly, wean herself off the otc painkillers she has been taking. MIL knew this yet still got some shopping in for her, including the fucking paracetamol. She said “Well she always has them” and got upset. But that’s tipped me over the edge, I think she’s sabotaging on purpose whilst pretending to be helpful.

OP posts:
JamPasty · 16/05/2018 20:02

SIL should see her GP ASAP if she has been taking more paracetamol than the maximum dose listed on the box as it can really really screw your liver up.

If anything, it'll be the caffeine that's having an effect on her mood, as paracetamol doesn't have that sort of effect. In other words she could go cold-turkey on the paracetamol and switch to redbull/strong coffee and then taper that down.

Tertiathethird · 16/05/2018 20:36

Wouldn’t you think it was dementia or something age related? I’d start there....

TwitterQueen1 · 16/05/2018 20:43

Well aren't you just lovely Thelcon Really?

Mum2jenny · 16/05/2018 21:36

I knew someone who had an addiction to paracetamol and apparently it's not an uncommon issue. He was referred to specialist treatment which I think worked, but it wasn't an easy time for him.

gravytrains · 16/05/2018 23:17

Motoko She did the Christmas present thing enough for me to stop believing her and buy whatever item it was for DH myself if she said she’d get it!

I realise that a reason can be given for each of these things, the loo, the cakes, the packaging, but its constant and always her. No one else causes as much trouble even if it is inadvertently!

OP posts:
Sweetieknots · 16/05/2018 23:25

It’s classic passive aggressive boundary pushing behaviour isn’t it?

Subtle things, designed to make you feel guilty about calling her out on it.

I’d detach as much as possible. She KNOWS what she’s doing and will try to make you look like the bad guy. Deserves to be left alone

Pannacott · 17/05/2018 00:08

I'm all about pulling up narcissists and cheeky fuckers on their bad behaviour usually. But this one does sound a bit more like dementia / cognitive / memory issues. Particularly the using the toilet after being asked not to, and after witnessing the hassle your DH having to bucket flush it. Your average narc would be minimising it and flouncing, but it sounds like she is more embarrassed and defensive. Look more into the presentation of early dementia - there are various different types.

ShinyShooney · 17/05/2018 00:27

Normal paracetamol isn't addictive! That's SIL being attention seeking. Swap them for sugar pills and she'd not even know!

But yes she will be harming her liver if she is using full dosage on a daily basis. It is pretty easy to OD on paracetamol over a few days. A young teen did it- i remember it being in the paper and it was a lot less pills than you'd imagine over the course of a weekend. It was her liver that caused her death if i remember rightly.

RadioGaGoo · 17/05/2018 05:31

Woukd you say the young teen was also attention seeking Shiny?

LePamplemoussse · 17/05/2018 05:51

It sounds like she is losing her memory and I think you’re being unfair OP.

12Etudes · 17/05/2018 05:53

I’m surprised it’s page 3 and nobody has had the brains to distinguish between a physical and mental addiction yet, but here you go.

www.clarityway.com/blog/physical-psychological-addiction/

Fflamingo · 17/05/2018 05:59

PA behaviour, does she have a DH.
Perhaps she is jealous of your life with her DS. But doesn’t explain behaviour with DSIL.
Self-sabotaging with tickets. Strange. Probably needs a couple of years of counselling to get to the bottom of it. Which isn’t going to happen so you just have to be firm OP and brook no nonsense.

flumpybear · 17/05/2018 06:09

She sounds like she's trying to kind of get hers of noticed or something - but strange, she perhaps is just a bit nasty - my mil has a habit of offering to help clean the house (when I was heavily pregnant) then spouting about how 'filthy' things are, or offering to help with the garden as we don't have time with two small kids and working full time (they're retired and love gardening, it's their passion) then going on and on about how we neglect our garden and it's in such a state and shouldn't be kept like that (it's just weeds, not like we're leaving rubbish or old cars/crap etc in the garden, just weeding hasn't been done for a while). I keep saying I'd pay someone to gravel/wood chip the in between areas to stop weeds and they say oh we love gardening and we'll help .... them it starts again 'oh why can't you just spend a few hours at the weekend weeding -argh! This in top of my home still apparently 'filthy' because we're a bit cluttered - not filthy as we have cleaners and it's not ..

I just don't invite them over, my husband does but then they moan it's always because he wants them to help with something .... can't win!

Redact · 17/05/2018 06:47

I agree with those saying it could be the early signs of dementia. If you've never dealt with dementia before the signs can be hard to pick up at the time with their actions more or less just leaving you puzzled and thinking that was odd and/or hurtful. The lavatory thing could be a red flag as pp have said.

Bluelady · 17/05/2018 06:56

Mumsnet really makes me laugh, everyone over 50's got dementia.

Lweji · 17/05/2018 07:20

I’m surprised it’s page 3 and nobody has had the brains to distinguish between a physical and mental addiction yet, but here you go.

This was discussed in my link. But there you go. Some people don't have the brains to read things and then insult other people.

gravytrains · 17/05/2018 07:20

Fflamingo Yes there is a FIL but he’s a stay at home type. We never see him unless we visit.

She does the same thing with gift tokens as she does with tickets, leaves it too late. I didn’t even know gift vouchers had an end date until I knew MIL, if I have them, I spend them! MIL keeps hers until the last week before they run out and then can’t find anything she wants.

OP posts:
Lweji · 17/05/2018 07:23

Mumsnet really makes me laugh, everyone over 50's got dementia.

It also makes me laugh how some people can't distinguish between discussing a specific case and generalising to all people.

Clearly dementia only affects the over 100.
Because there's no such thing as early onset dementia.

Bluelady · 17/05/2018 07:35

Has someone got our of bed the wrong side this morning? Everyone over 50 who doesn't behave exactly in the way posters deem normal is suspected of having dementia on Mumsnet. Despite their knowledge of it being limited to what Mr Google has to,d them.

gravytrains · 17/05/2018 07:39

Jampasty I told SIL what you said, she’s going to try the Red Bull thing. Shd says she started taking paracetamol when she was getting headaches which were probably stress (her H left, she’s had a rough time) and now feels awful if she doesn’t have one in the morning.

She also said MIL had lied about an aquacise class MIL used to go to, saying it wasn’t on any more when it is. (SIL thought she might start going.) Again it’s something that could’ve been a mistake, not intentional.

It’s very difficult.

OP posts:
Lweji · 17/05/2018 07:41

But it does happen and it may be a possibility to be investigated.
Of course her family is in the best position to judge how likely it is.
But it still remains the case that someone has to be very obtuse to accuse MN of thinking that anyone over 50 has dementia. No matter what their personal opinion on this behaviour is.

SandyY2K · 17/05/2018 07:42

Dementia is what is think. Maybe she'll adjust her behaviour if you point all these things out and express your concerns.

Lweji · 17/05/2018 07:45

It’s very difficult.

That's why actively investigating dementia may sort the issue. Either she has it or she'll feel put on the spot enough to cut out this behaviour. It's a way of calling her out on it without directly accusing her of being nasty.

BrownTurkey · 17/05/2018 07:45

It doesn’t sound like dementia. However, it might be that age is removing her filter and therefore exacerbating her actions and making her a bit more impulsive.

BrownTurkey · 17/05/2018 07:46

By that I mean her mean, manipulative actions.