MIL killing with “kindness”

[gravytrains]

I have become to think that my mother-in-law isn’t a very nice person.

She keeps doing things that aren’t nice under the guise of “helping” or forgetting. But there are only so many mistakes or infringements that someone can make before you get to thinking something is wrong.

For instance, DH and I are doing low carb to lose weight before our holiday. For the first time ever, MIL has started bringing high carb baking with her when she visits. She used the downstairs loo after specifically being told not to because the flush was broken. We put a sign on the door after that and she still tried to get in. She threw away packaging for a top I was sending back. She’s never tidied in my house before but suddenly decided to put the bag and receipts in the bin (I noticed and fished them out).

But that pales into insignificance with what she’s done to SIL. SIL has been away on a “self help” holiday (not organised, just herself) to try and get a new start after her marriage breakup. She wanted to lose weight, get fitter and, most importantly, wean herself off the otc painkillers she has been taking. MIL knew this yet still got some shopping in for her, including the fucking paracetamol. She said “Well she always has them” and got upset. But that’s tipped me over the edge, I think she’s sabotaging on purpose whilst pretending to be helpful.

Exactly that, Turkey. Some people are just odd. When you've watched someone die of dementia it's infuriating seeing it casually bandied about as it is here.

Mumsnet really makes me laugh, everyone over 50's got dementia.

Except she is nearly 20 years over 50! While 69 is fairly young for the onset of dementia, it certainly does happen.

@Bluelady
So, only think of dementia if they're already forgetting their children's names?

My MiL is also a bit odd.

DD15 bakes cakes - beautiful, well baked, moist, lush cakes. MIL has taken to bringing one of hers with her whenever she comes (usually Sunday)...

One that she makes on a Monday, is practically raw in the middle and burnt at the edges (she has a 2lb loaf tin and EVERY cake is made in that) and either puts in a tin, or the freezer til Sunday - WHY TF would we want week old, stale, partially cooked cake when DD bakes beautifully. I have started just putting it on the side and giving it back to her.

OK, you keep on diagnosing everyone you don't approve of with dementia because you clearly know far more about it than I do.

Actually I would think about dementia too, esp because of the incident with the loo.
The rest, I have seen my grand mother doing that too. There was no malice at all. Just being scattered, which became worse with age. She was still a really lovely lady.

@gravytrains - in relation to your post on 17th May at 7:39, about your SIL and headaches, I've heard of people who get migraine like headaches when they stop drinking cola drinks (either diet or full strength). Could that be something to look in to?
I have no other suggestions about what to do about your MIL though. Perhaps your DH is a little in denial that his capable mother is showing signs of aging and this is part of that process?

Btw, I can’t see the issue in advising someone to go and see her GP to check if they have .
No one is diagnosing the woman. Just raising it as a possibility worth exploring.
It’s up to the GP to make said diagnosis.
(And I would say that for any other illness btw)

Thank you all. I don’t think DH is in denial, I think it just doesn’t affect him as much as it does me. He just says no to cake and doesn’t get the throwing out thing. He was annoyed about the loo though!

explain clearly that obviously guzzling cake is bad for everyone , nothing to do with low carb,just that loads of cake makes people fat so dont bring any more. food waste is dirty and neither of you do that.

dont meet her at your house as this strange behaviour is concerning.

That's good she's going to try the caffeine approach. Cutting back suddenly on caffeine can make you feel really shit, so its probably that she's needing. Paracetamol can I think also make you feel shite if you take it regularly even at OK doses, so that may be contributing too! It would be worth checking with her GP about whether the paracetamol has affected her liver, just in case. Make sure to stay properly hydrated too - dehydration overnight can make you feel crap in the mornings

I've heard of people who get migraine like headaches when they stop drinking cola drinks (either diet or full strength).

Not just cola, but anything with caffeine, as caffeine withdrawal causes headaches for a few days, so if OP's SIL has been taking the paracetamol with caffeine added, she will suffer withdrawal symptoms, but it will be due to the lack of caffeine not paracetamol.

"its constant and always her. No one else causes as much trouble even if it is inadvertently!"

^^This is key. It's not inadvertent, even if she doesn't plan it out conciously. Doesn't sound like dementia to me at all, unless it's dementia aggravating a long-established pattern of PA behaviour.

It doesn't sound like dementia because everything she does is in the correct context.

You can get headaches triggered by paracetamol overuse. And rebound headaches when you stop. So while paracetamol isn’t physically addictive in the traditional sense, it can be hard to stop taking. It can also cause significant liver damage when taken even slightly in overdose.

She should see her GP, lower but not suddenly stop her caffeine intake. A trip to the dentist should establish if she’s grinding her teeth or has TMJ dysfunction. Eye test to make sure nothings going on there.

upstartcrow Yes, that’s an interesting point I didn’t think of that.

Before the paracetamol thing, I would have said it was drama with MIL. She seems to like or not mind drama and whether knowingly or unknowingly, she causes drama wherever she goes and whatever she does. But the paracetamol thing is beyond that.

But yes, always in context. She doesn’t try to spend vouchers in the wrong place, just keeps them until the last minute to spend and then it’s drama.

Does liver damage have symptoms?

No symptoms until it's kinda too late sadly. If she has been using over the recommended dose she really should seek medical advice

Thanks Jam I’ll try to get her to go to her GP but I think it will be a tough job. She’s open about everything to us but has a bit of a block about the gp.

@UpstartCrow - what do you mean by 'it doesn't sound like dementia because it's in the correct context?' If it's an Alzheimer's type you'd expect to see problems with memory early on - not remembering the toilet is out of order. If it's TIAs then you'd see executive problems early on - perseverance re habitual toilet use, or not incorporating all relevant information - that the toilet is out of order.

@Bluelady Sorry you've witnessed someone you care about die from dementia. But that distressing experience does not make you an expert. Did you know the average time from measurable cognitive deterioration to diagnosis of dementia used to be seven years? Ten years ago - I'm assuming it's improved. Early signs of dementia are very different from at the usual point of help seeking, and again at the point of death. So unless you are expert at assessing and diagnosing, you might want to be careful about scoffing at the idea that people should get assessed for such a serious deteriorating illness.

Good on you. Tell her that GPs will have seen everything and then some, so someone asking if they've taken too much paracetamol will be totally mundane to them. Heck, I'm sure I read somewhere about someone who was giving herself coffee enemas!

I'd try to "trap" MIL to see if it is memory issues or PA issues.

Mention to her you are trying to stop eating some sort of food she doesn't make for you, and see if she brings some of it in her next visit.

Also Bluelady vascular dementia can present as someone being ‘normal’ for a period of time, then confused/irrational/agitated other times.
Early dementia can present in many different ways.

Based on my experiences with 2 grandparents, I would only be thinking along the lines of possible dementia if it's a change in behaviour and she's inconsistent. If she's always behaved oddly, then it's a very different thing to wonder about it IMHO.

My mother was forgetful/scatty etc generally and then she also developed dementia. And people can be general pains in the butt whether deliberately or accidentally and still develop dementia as a completely separate thing. So in your MIL’s case it could be either. I would keep an eye out with that in mind.