MIL killing with “kindness”

[gravytrains]

I have become to think that my mother-in-law isn’t a very nice person.

She keeps doing things that aren’t nice under the guise of “helping” or forgetting. But there are only so many mistakes or infringements that someone can make before you get to thinking something is wrong.

For instance, DH and I are doing low carb to lose weight before our holiday. For the first time ever, MIL has started bringing high carb baking with her when she visits. She used the downstairs loo after specifically being told not to because the flush was broken. We put a sign on the door after that and she still tried to get in. She threw away packaging for a top I was sending back. She’s never tidied in my house before but suddenly decided to put the bag and receipts in the bin (I noticed and fished them out).

But that pales into insignificance with what she’s done to SIL. SIL has been away on a “self help” holiday (not organised, just herself) to try and get a new start after her marriage breakup. She wanted to lose weight, get fitter and, most importantly, wean herself off the otc painkillers she has been taking. MIL knew this yet still got some shopping in for her, including the fucking paracetamol. She said “Well she always has them” and got upset. But that’s tipped me over the edge, I think she’s sabotaging on purpose whilst pretending to be helpful.

This sounds familiar. Call it out. Every. Single. Time.

And don't give into the crocodile tears. It's tiring and maddening and mightn't stop. But you do need to call it out REALLY consistently.

It's the getting upset that's OTT (imo).

Genuine mistake re the painkillers-take them back, keep the herself, no biggy.

She should be offering solutions.

Cake-if she doesn't want to take it back, bin it.

It is odd though that she sorts out in your house whilst you're there!

I'd see her less-easiest way!

Well, disengage. There's a very good reason I don't normally invite my mother to my house.

Go to her place and avoid having her around to mess with your things.
Be very firm and say you won't be eating any of her baking if with high carbs.

If she tears up, tell her it's ok that everybody makes mistakes, that she just needs to remember it next time. The following time, ask her directly if she's doing it on purpose, or she should see a neurologist for memory issues.

But, just a question: I had no idea people could get addicted to paracetamol. Surely it's to painkillers with opiates (like codeine) or that sort of thing.

I wondered if OP meant cocodamol, rather than paracetamol.

I don't know tbh . . . I think it's likely she thought an empty wrapper lying around was rubbish. She had no way of knowing you were going to return it.
As for buying paracetamol, she may have thought they weren't addictive.
I'm on the fence about the cakes. Yy she could be sabotaging or your decision to low-carb may not be that important in the scale of her life so she forgets. Either way, you don't have to eat them so it's not a massive drama.

@PetulantPolecat

“The packaging was just on the side in the kitchen, I don’t know if I mentioned sending the top back but who throws out other peoples stuff?! And it had a receipt in it, ”

Why do you say the OP is just looking for things to complain about? If I went into someone else's kitchen and she had a bag on the counter I wouldn't look into it, so wouldn't know whether it was empty or not. Who has so little regard for other's privacy? She's nosy and poking around looking for things to sabotage.

My mum would put empty packaging in the bin without thinking. She always tidies up around herself. It's just a habit.

I think on threads like these it all becomes about intention. Did the person intend to cause hurt or not? And then people start reading in all kinds of potential motivations, on both sides.

I don't actually think intentions matter that much. If someone hurts you, they hurt you. If they intended to do so, it adds a layer of malice. But if they didn't intend it, it doesn't excuse it.

I think a lot of pretty fucked up people work along the borders of intention, relying on the fact that normal, polite people will give them the benefit of the doubt when they disclaim any intent to hurt. Actually, if someone is repeatedly causing you pain, you need to communicate to them that they are hurting you. And if they don't stop, it becomes deliberate, pretty much by default.

Now that you have seen what she is like, I would avoid telling her about your plans and what's going on in your like. If she doesn't know what you're up to, she can't sabotage things for you. She hasn't got a key to your house has she?

Gosh, I couldn't have my mil so invested in our lives.
I doubt she'd have known about any diets or tops I'd bought.
We see her about once a month, she comes for a visit, then goes home.
We all keep the conversation pretty basic really.
She doesn't have a key, nor does she go anywhere in the house apart from downstairs loo and the front room with her brew

Stop involving her so much and keep at arms length is my advice.

yes, you can get addicted to paracetamol, then stronger ones, then cocodamol.
I know somebody who did this, and it wasn't difficult, they only had headaches.

It’s pretty impossible to get ‘addicted’ to paracetamol.

Interesting: addicthelp.org/addiction-to-paracetamol-drug-addict-help/

www.therecoveryvillage.com/codeine-addiction/paracetamol-and-codeine/

Looks as if there are different thoughts on this Lweji

Yes, that's what my link said.

I disagree about addiction to paracetamol, I've seen it before.
Friend has headaches, just that and no underlying condition diagnosed.
Started off with paracetamol, took them all the time at first sign, rather than wait for the real pain to kick in.
So of course after a while they stop working, so friend went onto the more powerful ones, then the over the counter mix of codeine and paracetamol and now codeine on prescription.
Pain hasn't worsened friend just become addicted to strong pain killers.
Drug pushing gp's wanting their commission are happy to prescribe.

Sorry, had to go to the shop.

MIL isn't in our house alone. Whether it is memory loss or deliberate, I do think it is best to keep her at arms length because she is causing trouble.

SIL admitted she needed paracetamol to "feel normal" but had read , or someone had told her, that she was harming her liver because she takes them everyday. I think it is just soluble paracetamol with caffeine. That's the one MIL bought anyway. If anyone knows more about it, I'll pass the info to SIL. (She won't tell her doctor though, she is just trying to do stuff on her own and it sounds like she is doing a good job.)

PetulantPolecat It wasn't torn?? It was folded on top of the pile of mail with the receipt letter on top waiting to be dealt with. It was odd because MIL has never taken anything and thrown it out in our house (as far as I know). Empty loo rolls, containers, nothing.

LooksBetterWithAFilter That is what I always thought up to now, that it was stupidity not badness, but after the SIL thing, I have changed my mind.

And yes, the things in our house are little things, but I am weary of it now. Regardless of intention, it is hard work.

I mean the loo thing, DH had to get a bucket, fill it, and carry it from the kitchen (wont fit under cloakroom tap) to flush the loo (MIL stood watching) and then she tried to do it again later! WTF?! Why? Just go upstairs like every other person in the house. Even a sign didn't stop her.

You know your MIL better than anyone here, but tbh, I do wonder if she has some real cognitive / dementia issues. Messages are getting very muddled here and she's just not getting things - the toilet in particular. I would expect someone to embarrassed at this and to make absolutely sure I didn't do it again. Yet you say she tried to do it again and ignored the sign. This, to me, would be worrying, but as I said, you know her best..

I'll tell DH/SIL about the dementia thing.

As I say, she's always been scatty, saying she'll get a particular thing that is wanted for someone for Christmas and then not doing so so the person misses out because it's sold out and everyone thought MIL was getting it... or buying the wrong colour teapot to match someone's set, that sort of thing.

saying she'll get a particular thing that is wanted for someone for Christmas and then not doing so so the person misses out because it's sold out and everyone thought MIL was getting it.

If she's done that more than once, I'd call that malicious, not scatty. And throwing things out in another person's home, nobody should do that, it's not their place to decide what gets thrown out.

If the loo hasn't been fixed next time she comes round, put the lid down and tape it shut, then also tape the door shut. Nobody could mistake those signs that the loo is out of action, so if she still uses it, you can tell her off.

I'm not sure about the dementia thing, if you say she's always been like it, but you'd written it off as her being scatty before. It certainly sounds to me like she's doing it all deliberately. Why start baking you cakes, when she's never bothered before, except now you're low carbing and can't eat them?

This happened with my MIL and it was the beginning of dementia. Always forgetting, crossing boundaries, getting defensive. She also started making up stories. It was awful.

Some women really are misogynists.

She IS doing this on purpose, you said yourself she’s a jealous person, that’s intensified with age.

Fight back wiTh kindness and head tilts.

Dissuade her from coming within 100m of your family. She IS bad news

I can see I'm in the minority here but as above, I do think this behaviour signifies something more serious. You say yourself OP that there are a couple of 'firsts' here:

• bringing baking
• tidying in your house

• insisting on using the loo despite clear evidence she shouldn't = it's not just 'not understanding', it's failure to comprehend.
• buying pills for SIL = again, she just can't comprehend....

I would keep a watchful eye and note down all 'odd' instances for a couple of weeks and then maybe ask someone else?