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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH not wanted sex for 2 years. Aibu to think he MUST be getting it elsewhere?

129 replies

NellyJellyBelly · 15/05/2018 23:20

We are in our 40s. He's very attractive and I used to be too until I put on almost 7 stone after having DC.

He told me a few years ago that he doesn't find me attractive due to the weight and we've lived as virtual brother and sister since then. I wasn't much bothered at the time, our relationship was very bad and I would rather have lamped him than shagged him then. There is no affection whatsoever. No kisses,hugs etc.

He has done nothing to make me believe he's had any affairs but he works in a job where he doesn't come home at a set time each day so could easily spend the odd few hours doing something I wouldn't know about. He absolutely denies doing anything.

I know women have been attracted to him in the past, at work and school mums. He's very fit, and muscular and in no way 'old'.

We have had many rows about me not being able to believe he has gone without sex for so long. He doesn't masturbate either apparently Hmm.

Time has improved our relationship, and the bad patch wasn't all down to him. I was dealing with something really difficult and he didn't know how to deal with it. He instigated sex a few days ago but I couldn't get the idea out of my head that he could have been with someone else so I declined.

Aibu to suspect he must have done something?

OP posts:
donajimena · 15/05/2018 23:24

I can't say whether he is telling the truth. He might be.

knittingdad · 15/05/2018 23:25

There's no certainty, only probability and the question of whether you trust him.

No masturbating does stretch credulity however.

Original poster
NellyJellyBelly · 15/05/2018 23:26

Thanks dona. I know no one can give me a definitive answer but surely it would be 'unusual' for a fit, virile male to be happy to be celibate for 2 years?!

OP posts:
TuTru · 15/05/2018 23:27

Maybe he has erectile dysfunction

Puffycat · 15/05/2018 23:28

You sound like you’ve lost confidence in yourself. Gaining weight is a total bastard. I don’t think rowing with him about sex is very helpful for either of you.
He may be playing away but it seems the main point is you. Are YOU happy with your weight?
If not, then you need to to look at that, 7 stone is a fair bit.
On the other hand, one would hope that a loved one would see past that and be more supportive .

Smallhorse · 15/05/2018 23:28

Yabu

Perfectway · 15/05/2018 23:29

Thought the same as pps. Impossible to know based on what you say although not masturbating sounds far-fetched.

What was your sex life like in the early days? Does he have a high sex drive? If he doesn’t I suppose he might be telling the truth.

Porpoises · 15/05/2018 23:30

Plenty of men go without sex for years when single.

Do you have other reasons not to trust him? Do you struggle to trust men generally?

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/05/2018 23:30

Two years is a very long time. Is this the first time he’s instigated it in that long?

It’s a bit unfair to assume he’s shagging around when you don’t have any reason to. Have you asked him? You sound suspicious he tried it on and I can see why if nothing else has changed.

Nothing about the situation sounds great OP. I loathed my ex towards the end and we didn’t have sex for ages but I never wanted to lamp him.

statetrooperstacey · 15/05/2018 23:30

He probably wasn't happy to be celibate though. He just was celibate. Have you had sex with anyone else during this time? And if not why do you not believe him? If you managed it why not him?

RubiaPTA · 15/05/2018 23:32

Some men just lose their sex drive after their kids are born.

Luisa27 · 15/05/2018 23:32

There could be huge positives here OP....firstly, you’ve got past the bad stage - and you’re still together. And secondly, he recently instigated sex.
Are you able to look past whether or not he’s been with anyone else and focus on you? Could you join a gym and begin a healthy eating regime? You’d be amazed at how quickly you’ll start to see real changes in your body - especially as you have a good amount of weight to lose. In a few months time with hard work and determination you could be a totally different woman Smile
I think the confidence this would bring will transform your life - and your relationship.

Porpoises · 15/05/2018 23:32

And no I'm sure he wasn't delighted to be celibate, but he may have chosen to respect you and respect his vows in the hope that you could improve the relationship.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/05/2018 23:33

Sorry, I see you have asked him. If my husband asked me I’d been cheating I’d be horrified.

Maybe if you’ve been asking him a lot and asking him if he’s shagging around when he hasn’t, he was trying to show you you don’t have anything to worry about.

WalkingOnAFlashlightBeam · 15/05/2018 23:34

YABVVU!

dietcokemango · 15/05/2018 23:35

We have had many rows about me not being able to believe he has gone without sex for so long.

But so have you OP

Original poster
NellyJellyBelly · 15/05/2018 23:37

Never had any reason to think he would cheat. Just when I would realise how long it's been!

Very active sex life until DC were old enough not to go to bed at 7pm! No erectile dysfunction in the past.

I am losing weight now funnily enough and getting much fitter. Now he's interested again. I don't really blame him for not wanting to jump me while I was at my biggest. I just can't believe he hasn't strayedConfused.

OP posts:
siwel123 · 15/05/2018 23:37

YABU.
Have you cheated OP? Because you must have if you haven't and sex with him for 2 years.

Oh wait how flipping stupid does that sound? Very. But you've said it to him.

HelenaDove · 15/05/2018 23:37

Does he do his share in the home OP Are you able to get some time off from being a mum?

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 15/05/2018 23:38

Well we obviously can't tell you Wether or not hes getting it elsewhere or not.
We don't know him. However one thing I do know. Hes ridiculously shallow. He finds you unattractive because youve put weight as a result of bearing him children. Why are you with him.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/05/2018 23:38

Loads of good looking people aren’t having sex. I was alright looking when in a sexless marriage!

As others have said, you’ve not been doing it all this time. He probably has too. If that’s the case then accusing him of cheating on you isn’t going to help things improve between the two of you. He’s probably confused and feeling attacked.

Luisa27 · 15/05/2018 23:39

I’d believe him OP

And well done for losing the weight - keep going!!

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/05/2018 23:40

That’s very unfair Awwlookatmybabyspider. We have no reason to think he’s shallow Hmm

Beesarmy · 15/05/2018 23:42

YANBU. 2 years without sex due to weight Hmm .my BIL told my sister the same thing until he found Grindr on his phone. Check his computer for porn. Look through his phones. Something seems fishy

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 15/05/2018 23:42

He calls his wife the women get made his vows to and the mother of his children unattractive. In my book that's shallow and I'm not taking it back.