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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH not wanted sex for 2 years. Aibu to think he MUST be getting it elsewhere?

129 replies

NellyJellyBelly · 15/05/2018 23:20

We are in our 40s. He's very attractive and I used to be too until I put on almost 7 stone after having DC.

He told me a few years ago that he doesn't find me attractive due to the weight and we've lived as virtual brother and sister since then. I wasn't much bothered at the time, our relationship was very bad and I would rather have lamped him than shagged him then. There is no affection whatsoever. No kisses,hugs etc.

He has done nothing to make me believe he's had any affairs but he works in a job where he doesn't come home at a set time each day so could easily spend the odd few hours doing something I wouldn't know about. He absolutely denies doing anything.

I know women have been attracted to him in the past, at work and school mums. He's very fit, and muscular and in no way 'old'.

We have had many rows about me not being able to believe he has gone without sex for so long. He doesn't masturbate either apparently Hmm.

Time has improved our relationship, and the bad patch wasn't all down to him. I was dealing with something really difficult and he didn't know how to deal with it. He instigated sex a few days ago but I couldn't get the idea out of my head that he could have been with someone else so I declined.

Aibu to suspect he must have done something?

OP posts:
LifeinColour · 16/05/2018 00:05

Siwel123 of course people can go without sex without it being an affair/porn/masturbating.. I think you're missing the point that he is void of any intimacy with his wife.. lack of connection is a huge red flag for porn addiction.

And yes I would accuse a women of it too in these circumstance if the tables were turned

HelenaDove · 16/05/2018 00:05

Ive been everywhere between a size 12 and a size 28 in my 26 years with DH. Am now a 14

Not one derogatory word from him ..............ever.

siwel123 · 16/05/2018 00:05

@Luisa27. Merci I do try my best Grin. But then as a male can my opinion be trusted because I must be a prob addict right?

Beesarmy · 16/05/2018 00:05

Siwel123

Utter rubbish, if it was a situation where there was a good looking women why enjoys her sex then I would also find it hard the believe she’s not getting her pleasure from elsewhere. This situation isn’t like that.

villageshop · 16/05/2018 00:06

Hi Luisa27 - Grin

Beesarmy you say 'Men are much more sexual than women it’s scientifically proven.' I dispute that. I don't believe that to be true and would like to know your source (so I can contest it because it's codswallop).

BuntyII · 16/05/2018 00:07

You know him best. It doesn't sound like he's been cheating to me. As another poster said it's not uncommon for men to lose their sex drives when their children are young.

If he had cheated, would you leave?

siwel123 · 16/05/2018 00:08

@LifeInColour. Accuse OP then.
She hasnt had sex with him in 2 years either.
I lacked sex attraction to anyone from 18 to 23 but hey is wasn't addicted to pron or whatever other rubbish is being shouted. A large portion of the male population and female population go time without sex with there partner and don't become porn addicts or cheaters.
The man didn't say he wasn't attracted to her. He said he couldn't physically do sex when she was overweight.

BelieveAnything · 16/05/2018 00:08

YABU

If you don’t trust him then why are you with him? Also, have you worked out what you want to do now? You don’t trust him but presumably it’s impossible for him to prove he is innocent so where does that leave the relationship? This isn’t some sort of thing where you are trying to sabotage the relationship because you feel awful about yourself or because you don’t actually want to be with him anymore.

I think there is a lot of projecting going on on this thread. 🙄
siwel123 · 16/05/2018 00:09

@Beesarmy. But rude calling OP ugly isn't It?

Original poster
NellyJellyBelly · 16/05/2018 00:09

But I KNOW I didn't cheat!

There was a time I wished he was so I could chuck him out for good reasonSad. A projection onto him of how I felt about myself. Taken a long time and lots of junk food to start liking myself.

Porn - he hates seeing sexual scenes on TV and will switch over. He was brought up in a very prudish family and can be himself (out of bed!). He couldn't watch it at home regularly so he could only watch it at work.

OP posts:
siwel123 · 16/05/2018 00:10

@BelieveAnything. I agree lots of accusing a man who hasn't had sex of being a cheater or a porn addict etc but a women whobahsnt had sex with partner is a rose sleeping Angel that can do no harm? Sexism much.

Beesarmy · 16/05/2018 00:10

villageshop

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5045980/

siwel123 · 16/05/2018 00:11

And he knows HE DIDN'T CHEAT.
Bloody he'll round and round we go Grin

Luisa27 · 16/05/2018 00:12

@Village 😊

@siwel - I do hope you mean porn??Not sure what prob is...the mind boggles 😂

siwel123 · 16/05/2018 00:14

@Beesarmy. Read the first few paragraphs again. It is saying nothing about men being more sexually motivated. It is saying there's no correlation between gender roles e.g. tasks seen as male and tasks seen as female on sexual satisfaction. Shall we try again and produce some proper evidence? GrinGrinWink

siwel123 · 16/05/2018 00:16

@Luisa27. I do but prob is like a new genre of porn where you probably might watch prob when you click on the video but then another random video may play instead and ruin your sexual satisfaction Grin. Well it is now anyways Grin

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 16/05/2018 00:16

If dp told me he didn't want to have sex because I'd put on weight I'd go out and find someone who did find me attractive enough to sleep with. I make no bones about it. Why should I remain celibate

siwel123 · 16/05/2018 00:17

@BeesArmy. And a result from Iran is also going to be top quality anyways.

siwel123 · 16/05/2018 00:18

@Aaw. Precisely so how do we know OP didn't do That? Oh wait she says she didnt. Same as her partner says he didnt. But everyone believes OP but not everyone believes the guy...

villageshop · 16/05/2018 00:19

Beesarmy -
Your referenced article was entitled 'Relationship between Gender Roles and Sexual Assertiveness in Married Women' which is irrelevant in this context as it has nothing to do with women's innate sexuality.

Luisa27 · 16/05/2018 00:20

😮😂@siwel

siwel123 · 16/05/2018 00:22

@Village. Precisely. @Beesarmy makes a sexist presumption and then frantically searches for anything to back it up picks a random study and will now be searching for more to try back up her argument.

I have some tips @Beesarmy.
Google scholar is good for those research papers as all have been done by universities and industry experts.
Also read the title and the introduction generally helps you know what they're taking about.

siwel123 · 16/05/2018 00:23

@Luisa27. I loved making that up and fully believe it should now be a genre of porn. GrinGrinBlush.

I enjoyed making it up just as much as @Beesarmy likes making up her stuff.

Beesarmy · 16/05/2018 00:25

siwel123

@Aaw. Precisely so how do we know OP didn't do That? Oh wait she says she didnt. Same as her partner says he didnt. But everyone believes OP but not everyone believes the guy...

Because men are trash 😛.

Seriously though OP YANBU. You have every right too feel the way you do. If something seems off investigate squeeze it out of him. Or maybe he us the 5% who just aren’t into sex unless it with his wife. Maybe he’s saving himself up until he feels he can have sex with you again.

siwel123 · 16/05/2018 00:26

@Beesarmy. Slight rational comment at the very very end of that post GrinShock.