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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH not wanted sex for 2 years. Aibu to think he MUST be getting it elsewhere?

129 replies

NellyJellyBelly · 15/05/2018 23:20

We are in our 40s. He's very attractive and I used to be too until I put on almost 7 stone after having DC.

He told me a few years ago that he doesn't find me attractive due to the weight and we've lived as virtual brother and sister since then. I wasn't much bothered at the time, our relationship was very bad and I would rather have lamped him than shagged him then. There is no affection whatsoever. No kisses,hugs etc.

He has done nothing to make me believe he's had any affairs but he works in a job where he doesn't come home at a set time each day so could easily spend the odd few hours doing something I wouldn't know about. He absolutely denies doing anything.

I know women have been attracted to him in the past, at work and school mums. He's very fit, and muscular and in no way 'old'.

We have had many rows about me not being able to believe he has gone without sex for so long. He doesn't masturbate either apparently Hmm.

Time has improved our relationship, and the bad patch wasn't all down to him. I was dealing with something really difficult and he didn't know how to deal with it. He instigated sex a few days ago but I couldn't get the idea out of my head that he could have been with someone else so I declined.

Aibu to suspect he must have done something?

OP posts:
siwel123 · 15/05/2018 23:44

It is not shallow. It is not a little bit of weight. It is flaming 7 stone. If someone was what a healthy 13 stone that would make them 20 stone!
That is a big change and yes I would find my partner unattractive if that happened, sorry OP.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 15/05/2018 23:45

If you love someone though. You love them for who they are not what they look like.

LifeinColour · 15/05/2018 23:46

I'm with beesarmy OP! Our declined de dwindled to nothing for years until I finally discovered the extent of my DH porn life..

I really feel for you, lack of intimacy in marriage is such a lonely place to be in & you've asked him about it and all he can say is "no, not been interested" ?!!

Not surprised you turned him down recently xx

LifeinColour · 15/05/2018 23:46

*sexlife declines! That should say Blush

SprayingMonsters · 15/05/2018 23:47

He told me a few years ago that he doesn't find me attractive due to the weight

Sad

Yes, he is getting it from somewhere else. I doubt that he has remained faithful to you after he has told you he no longer finds you attractive... I don’t understand why you are still together?

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/05/2018 23:47

He hasn’t left yet, broken his vows, gone elsewhere - as far as OP knows - he’s stayed faithful and instigated sex which OP refused.

I don’t know but is it likely that shagging around would make a man suddenly want to have sex with his wife again?

Beesarmy · 15/05/2018 23:49

Sorry OP but women who have been or see others in a similar situation can tell that there is a 5% chance he’s NOT cheating on you or not watching porn to satisfy himself.

Also if you think you look good then don’t change. Tell DH to take you as your are or not at all

siwel123 · 15/05/2018 23:50

But part of who they are is their looks.im sorry if my opinion offends anyone it is not my intentions Flowers.
However a massive physical change like that would put me off. I would still love them with all my heart but would I be sexually attracted. NO.

Can I also say, it is possible for guys to survive with no sex or masturbation for 2 years. I know it sounds shocking Grin. But many do it.

OP I will answer the question. NO I don't think he has cheated on you. You didn't to him, so why can't he accuse You?

Beesarmy · 15/05/2018 23:50

An attractive man with no sex for TWO years just can’t believe it

dietcokemango · 15/05/2018 23:51

YANBU. 2 years without sex due to weight hmm .my BIL told my sister the same thing until he found Grindr on his phone. Check his computer for porn. Look through his phones. Something seems fishy

Grindr? FFS that is for gay and bisexual men so is hardly the issue here!

siwel123 · 15/05/2018 23:51

Jesus all these comments of he must be cheating because he and had no sex.

OP you haven't had sex have You? But no one is accusing you of cheating?

dietcokemango · 15/05/2018 23:53

*Jesus all these comments of he must be cheating because he and had no sex.

OP you haven't had sex have You? But no one is accusing you of cheating?*

Exactly.

LifeinColour · 15/05/2018 23:55

Annlovesgilbert not shagging around but porn addicts will def do this type of behaviour .. put sex off for months and months then suggest having it but it's almost as a duty to "get it out he way" so to speak and removed from emotion or desire Sad

villageshop · 15/05/2018 23:57

I would view this as a chance to re-connect after a difficult few years dominated by being parents. He sounds interested again and it sounds as though you feel better about yourself as well so why not make the most of that, put the remote possibility of him cheating out of your mind and concentrate on getting close again. Good luck.

Luisa27 · 15/05/2018 23:58

Good grief - what a depressing bunch 😱

siwel123 · 15/05/2018 23:59

@LifeInColour. This just gets better and better.

A man doesn't have sex so must eb cheating, a porn addict or masturbating secretly.

A women doesn't have sex for the same amount of time but isn't accused of any of those things.

OP I'm sorry but I think you're a porn addict just because you haven't had sex. Oh wait that sounds stupid doesn't It?

Beesarmy · 15/05/2018 23:59

Siwel123
Men are much more sexual than women it’s scientifically proven. They both had an active sex life before she put on weight. He’s still handsome and women are throwing themselves on him. Are we expected to believe in them whole 2 years not once did he succumb to his sexual needs and sleep with another women. Hmm

Luisa27 · 15/05/2018 23:59

@Villageshop - not you! Very wise words as usual

Listen to Village OP x

Original poster
NellyJellyBelly · 15/05/2018 23:59

Have checked his phone, ipad etc over the period.

He could always have another one though that I don't know about! Watched Dr Foster Grin.

He didn't actually say he didn't find me attractive TBF. He told me it was hard to have sex Blush and I needed to lose the weight.

Our relationship has been pretty shit for the last 10 years. I have been a nightmare to live with due to dealing with childhood shit that was affecting me mentally. I've told him to leave many times but he wouldn't due to the the DC which I'm glad about now of course.

Just want to feel that our relationship can get back on track and I haven't been betrayed (have good reason to have trust issues but not with him).

OP posts:
siwel123 · 16/05/2018 00:00

But in all seriousness OP. No he most likely wasn't cheating.
He is now interested again so just slowly take your time. Reconnect. Do what feels comfortable. But overall good luck I hope It works out.

Beesarmy · 16/05/2018 00:00

It’s either sex or porn.

siwel123 · 16/05/2018 00:02

@BeesArmy. Yes it is possible. I do find myself reasonably good looking and was single from 18 to 23. I didn't once have sex with a women or masturbate.
Not all man are cheaters. But all posters called @BeesArmy seem intent on implying men having no sex with partner must be cheating but all women not having sex with partners don't cheat.

Luisa27 · 16/05/2018 00:02

@Beesarmy 😐

MiddleMoffat · 16/05/2018 00:03

I haven't had sex in 7 years and neither has DP as far as I know.

I'd like to have sex, but not with him but would not cheat.

He might have strayed but I think he has no sex drive at all.

Luisa27 · 16/05/2018 00:03

Bravo @ Siwel123

Very well said!

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