DH not wanted sex for 2 years. Aibu to think he MUST be getting it elsewhere?

[NellyJellyBelly]

We are in our 40s. He's very attractive and I used to be too until I put on almost 7 stone after having DC.

He told me a few years ago that he doesn't find me attractive due to the weight and we've lived as virtual brother and sister since then. I wasn't much bothered at the time, our relationship was very bad and I would rather have lamped him than shagged him then. There is no affection whatsoever. No kisses,hugs etc.

He has done nothing to make me believe he's had any affairs but he works in a job where he doesn't come home at a set time each day so could easily spend the odd few hours doing something I wouldn't know about. He absolutely denies doing anything.

I know women have been attracted to him in the past, at work and school mums. He's very fit, and muscular and in no way 'old'.

We have had many rows about me not being able to believe he has gone without sex for so long. He doesn't masturbate either apparently .

Time has improved our relationship, and the bad patch wasn't all down to him. I was dealing with something really difficult and he didn't know how to deal with it. He instigated sex a few days ago but I couldn't get the idea out of my head that he could have been with someone else so I declined.

Aibu to suspect he must have done something?

@siwel123 I think we might have strayed off topic but it's been fun.

Good luck, OP - I hope things work out. It sounds like they will with the insight you clearly have.

'Night @Luisa27

@Villageshop. @Luisa27. Loved having you in my side it has been a pleasure working with you . Ever feel like PM me do go ahead. Just not now as I will be retiring just like village.

I didn't and still don't want any other relationship.

He married a willowy size 6 and ended up with a size 20 (I seem to have shrunk in height too!), so I can see his point. My weight really bothered me as well. We have teens who would be awake at night so we weren't doing it that often anyway at that point and it was a palaver because I'd not want him to see my body and insist we were in total darkness even if it was during the day.

I think he hoped to shock me into losing weight and it just carried on. He loves going to the gym (at work) and he has always tried to encourage me TBF.

The no affection I can understand as I would tell him to piss off if he tried to touch me.

I have tried to convince myself he wouldn't have done anything over and over.

I suppose it's possible but I can't quite believe it!

@village @siwel goodnight both sleep well

I too can second google scholar 👌

I think you’re going to be fine OP

I, for one, believe your husband - hope all works out for you both

I'm off too.

Thanks for all your input everyone.

@siwel123 why would I accuse OP?she obviously is affected by the lack of intimacy.. he appears not & again I would say the same no matter what gender OP's other half was!

Another red flag.. blaming shite sexlife on partner.. it's classic SA behaviour

I think YABU. You accept that things were really difficult for both of you, that you hated your own body and rejected any affection from him which might have helped you connect.

In those circumstances why not choose to believe him rather than obsessing over whether he might be lying and try to mend your relationship instead of undermining it further. Unless you don't actually want him anymore?

Sorry @Lifeincolour, siwel’s gone to bed....early start

@LifeInColour. Today is your lucky day as I decided to quickly check @Lusia27 reply and felt obliged to reply to you as it would be mean to keep you waiting .

I quite simply stated that you are accusing a man of being addicted to porn and or a cheater because he has had now sexual encounters with his wife. But you didn't accuse the same of the wife who also has had no sexual interactions with her husband. Why is That?

he said it is physically impossible for him to have sex with his partner when she was that weight. So he still wanted it and felt a connection with her but couldnt. I'm sure this tough time has been tough for both of them, when you can't connect to the person you love the most in the world.

It's OK @luisa27 these forum things aren't time sensitive

😂

@Luisa27. I just had to come back .

I am now off to sleep as I have work tomorrow morning with an 8am start and I think you would all prefer a civil servant managing a government project involving quite a lot of pennies to be well rested . But I look forward to anymore points colour.

Youve shrunk in height ? OP have you thought of going to see your GP.

I also do not think he is cheating. I really do not mean to hurt your feelings by saying this, in my situation I enjoy exercise and prefer healthy food rather than a takeaway, DP on the other hand lives for his takeaway at the weekend, loves fizzy drinks and always has the glove box filled with sweets.

My DP has put on around 6 stone. I am under 8stone he is 19stone it really puts me off, I hate the way I feel he is a kind person, very loving and helpful, I love him dearly but I do not find him attractive anymore and avoid sex. We discussed it once he was very hurt. He hasn't tried to change and he shouldn't have to for me but I also can't help not feeling attracted to him. I have never cheated on him, I would not do that. It hurts me also feeling like that.

I see lots of people would be really angry with their partner for feeling like this, Unfortunately it is human nature.

I don't think he is cheating either. Don't ask him if he masturbates, asdume he does and be quiet about it...he probably would never want to say it out loud as you say he is very reserved regarding sex scenes in films. It IS physically difficult to have sex with a person if they have a large belly, and that is probably what he meant.

I think if you love him and want to have a happy marriage that you should trust him and stop asking him if he is having sex elsewhere before you drive him away. Sounds like he has put up with a lot from you with your childhood baggage, accusing him of being unfaithful, asking embarrassing personal questions and a disrespectful attitude and unloving attitude telling him to move out ect. How about you extend some of that loyalty towards him?

YABU

What happended to innocent until proven guilty!

If you have no proof what so ever then best to trust his word. No point dwelling on things that most likley haven't even happened. Stressing and focusing on this will not be healthy for you or your relationship.

If I was you I'd be making it up to him after you turned him down the other night! Aren't you excited to finally getting some after two years haha

Great to hear you're losing weight and your relationship is starting to get better!

I’m in a similar(ish) situation. Haven’t had sex with my DH for nearly 2 years. I don’t believe he’s been unfaithful though. We are also in 40s and he’s attractive but we went through IVF and spent 5 years trying for our wee boy and we were too scared to have sex while I was pregnant (him more than me). Since then it just hasn’t happened. I do think some of it is down to me putting on a bit of baby weight (and due to my age I’m struggling to get it off) - probably just under 2 stone. Also though he’s very stressed at work and we are both very tired with an 11 month old so the whole thing I think has just driven his sex drive down real low. I am quite unhappy with the whole situation as I really miss intimacy in our relationship and my whole self-esteem is at an all-time low, but I really don’t think he’s gone out and cheated and so I don’t think you can assume your man has tbh. Sounds like your relationship is on the road to recovery so good luck - hope it carries on getting better for you.

Your marriage sounds like a nightmare. I fail to see the point of staying together to be honest.

YABU. I don’t think he’s cheating.

You have rejected any and all affection from him, so you can’t blame the lack of that on him. I also think it’s fair that given it’s not just a little weight you’ve put on but so much that will have entirely changed you physically, he wasn’t able to be stimulated by you.

It sounds like he tried to reconnect and yet again he was denied, so I wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t try again for a long while.

I genuinely wish you all the best; it is hard trying to get back on track with a partner after being disconnected for so long

@LifeInColour. Any additional points

Well the drought is officially over as of the middle of the night last night. Definitely a case of you don't know what you had until you don't have it for a long time!

I have this thread to thank for that. I need to trust him. I did before I had to deal with the stuff that needed dealing with.

I'm going to shut up and enjoy feeling like a sexy woman again.

Oh, that's brilliant news NellyJellyBelly - well done, enjoy being close again, thanks for the update. Made my day.

I asked my dh his opinion on this. He commented that your dh probably said he didn't masturbate to protect your feelings. He said that if he said he did do it then he would be admitting the he a sex drive but that was not choosing you. With everything you describe above then there is no reason to think anything bad of him. How would you have felt if things were the other way around perhaps? Don't look for trouble where there is non. Concentrate on yourself and have some faith in him.

7 stone?? You've answered your own question.