Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL from hell, bring popcorn... wtf do I do with her?

334 replies

LolaL · 15/05/2018 11:39

Well... where do I start with this one.
I posted a few weeks ago under a different name about my MIL being very controlling -- changing curtains in mine and my fiances house when I went home to visit my family for a few days, expecting us to visit her 3-4 times per week at short notice and kicking off when we don't, rearranging my kitchen when I went to ride my horse, turning up CONSTANTLY... list is endless...

Anyway, my fiance and I are getting married in the summer. Due to my hobby (horses - high level competitions), the fact I run my own business and that I relocated fucking miles a considerable distance to be with my fiance last year, I don't get too spend too much time with friends/family. I've never been a party animal type, dad was an alcoholic so getting out of control smashed is absolutely not what I like to do - saying that, when I do see my friends, I do really enjoy myself.
Past two weekends, I've been away with my friends (hobby related and my hen party). My fiance kicked off both times, badly and completely ruined my weekends. We've been together for 4 years and this has never happened before so I was worried about him, worried there may be underlying issues he's not talked to me about, more concerned about him that upset about arguments as very uncharacteristic behaviour. He wouldn't open up to me so I made the decision, in confidence, to have a chat with his brother about his behaviour. I've known BIL for longer than my DP, actually used to work for him, so know him well enough to talk in confidence.I know my DP has a huge amount of respect for him, thought he may be able to shed some light on why he is behaving like this.
Whilst I was over at his having a chat, I received a text from my MIL asking how my weekend was (she chose not to come to my hen party). Signal is poor there and I didn't receive. After an hour of me not texting back, apparently feeling "concerned" she came over to our house, dp was there, looked upset so obvious we'd had an argument and asked him what had happen, he told her to mind her own business and she left. Then went to my stables, trying to find me.
She then called SIL (bil's wife) gossiping, did she know that I'd left dp!!! - SIL, sat next to me(!), told her that she didn't know where this had come from, she shouldn't jump to conclusions, stop getting involved in people's businesses, everything was fine.
Cutting an even longer story shorter, I ended up staying at BIL+SILs for a few hours, played with my niece in the garden and having a bbq there. Got a good insight into why DP is upset (work issues), got some really lovely advice from BIL and all happy.
MIL called again, this time to BIL, saying how she was going to call my mum apologising to her about my DP. BIL told her to stay out of this, DP and I are fine, and not to contact my mum?!
I came home, walked into the house and DP was on the phone... my mum had just called him, v upset, asking why our wedding is off.
I called mum back, she said MIL had been on the phone, told her I had "fled" to BIL's and called off the wedding... mum obviously very hurt. MiL had also told her some insane lies... SIL having an affair, my business wasn't working out and I wanted to sell my horses??
MIL also text SIL telling her she is taking her completely awful, WHITE dress she was planning on wearing to our wedding back.

Every couple has issues at points... DP has admitted he's wrong, come clean about work stresses and has completely apologised for ruining my weekends. Went to the drs this morning and they've diagnosed him with anxiety. So no excuse for his behaviour but at least we're getting somewhere with it. At no point did I want to call off the wedding/split up etc.

What on earth do I do with my MIL? I'm so upset that someone would interfere in my relationship like this, for no apparent gain at all. She's really upset my mum and even more upset that off the back of what she's said to them, my parents are questioning whether I'm making the right move marrying him despite him not putting a toe out of line in the 4 years we've been together, except from this.

Appreciate this is a bit of an essay and thank you to anyone who is still here at the end!

OP posts:
educatingarti · 15/05/2018 14:26

So, amongst all the different advice here, I would say the single most important thing is that your fiance get some counselling/therapy. It is unlikely to be a quick fix but will give him support in dealing with his current low mood and anxiety and with dealing with his mother. When he is feeling a bit stronger you can decide together exactly where you want the boundaries with his mother to be. In the meantime in the run up to the wedding, I would suggest you go lower contact with her if at all possible.

BabiesComeWithHats · 15/05/2018 14:30

It definitely sounds like your DPs anxiety may be connected to his mother's behaviour, either because she's actively done stuff to unsettle him or because he is anticipating her behaviour escalating with the wedding looming.

On that basis I think you definitely can sit down with him and say you need to address it for not only the sake of your relationship, but his own health and anxiety levels too.

Once you've agreed a united front, I think you need to jointly sit down with your MIL saying that you are very concerned by her behaviour, and if she feels that she can't support the wedding or it is too much for her to cope with, then she should stay away. You should make it very clear that if she pulls any kind of stunt like this again, or does even the slightest thing to disrupt the day, then she will be uninvited or removed from the wedding. Make sure you have a few people - BIL is the obvious one here - running defence so you have absolutely ZERO to do with her all day, and if she tries anything she will be escorted home with a terrible migraine pronto.

In practical terms you absolutely need to change the locks/keys ASAP, and MUST do that before you go on honeymoon.

IF your DH planned to spend the night at his parents house before the wedding, change that.

If MIL is financially contributing to the wedding, pay it back right now by any means possible. Disconnect her entirely from the process.

Does she have a partner/FIL?

AnnieAnoniMouser · 15/05/2018 14:31

Ohmydayslove Tue 15-May-18 13:54:13. Annie Whose last post did you read?? Bat shit response

This one by LolaL

By kicking off, it was really hurtful texts saying I was cheating, looking at men, where was I, telling me I didn't care about him, he was worthless to me. No amount of me calling him saying "oh babe don't be silly" could stop it, so I got pissed off, turned my phone off and turned it back on to receive hundreds of messages!

People minimising HIS behaviour & focussing solely on her MIL are doing her no favours. You cannot put his horrible behaviour down to ‘anxiety’ and ignore it.

All I’m saying is postpone the wedding & see how it goes.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/05/2018 14:33

The silver lining to this horrific set of circumstances is that everyone knows that your MIL to be is a manipulative lying witch. Your DP is under huge stress and she has caused MORE by her abysmal antics - hopefully he will also realise that she's really very bad news, even if she is his mother.

I agree that you need to draw boundary lines very firmly with her - and that you should probably all get together to do that, or at least to have a plan to check everything she says with each other so she can't set any of you against the other with her crap.

Ohmydayslove · 15/05/2018 14:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Loungingbutnotforlong · 15/05/2018 14:38

I’ve just skimmed the whole thread, - when is the wedding? If it is any sooner than 6 months I would suggest that you delay it. Focus on counselling for your DP. Be very careful that spoiling your two weekends away was not your DPs underlying controlling nature coming through- depression and anxiety are awful, but they are really no excuse or justification for harassing you and spoiling your weekend- twice! His mother may be pulling strings and dropping poison, but do you really want this drama/ grief/ pain in your lives.
And if you stay together, as an absolute must- move far away.

Gemini69 · 15/05/2018 14:44

is it just me... or is anyone else getting confused about whose Thread this is ? Hmm

eggcellent · 15/05/2018 14:55

Oh yes definitely LTB for being unreasonable once in four years Hmm if it were up to the people of Mumsnet I don't think any relationship would last longer than a week!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/05/2018 14:57

Nope, not confused at all Gemini.
Do you have the OP's posts highlighted? If not, you can sort that out in "Customise" - found in the drop down menu next to "Talk" at the top of the page.

LittleOrphanFunkhouser · 15/05/2018 15:15

'No excuse for his behaviour' (other than his anxiety issues) Hmm

OnlyaMan · 15/05/2018 15:30

I have not read every word of this very long thread, so I hope everyone will forgive me if I am suggesting something that has already been dealt with.
But...……..perhaps this awful MIL is not actually malicious? To say that the OP's relationship is breaking up, she is about to sell her horses, and all the rest of this terrible stuff, might not actually be a set of deliberate lies-she might be just be disconnected from reality. Does she say the same kind of things about World Events? Or celebrities? Does she drink? Is she on medication?
If any of these possibilities is true, then the OP's MIL is probably going to be even more difficult to deal with, unfortunately.
In any case, dealing with this situation will require a completely united front with the OP's partner. Sadly, he does not seem to be in a good place this very moment to reliably participate. From what the OP has written, it may be that he will either "crumble" or shout at his mum again.
Perhaps some sort of "stop-gap measures" are best, until after the wedding, and until the OP's partner is feeling fully fit?
Any suggestions?

pigmcpigface · 15/05/2018 15:32

"No excuse for his behaviour' (other than his anxiety issues)"

Anxiety is not an excuse for bad behaviour, though. It's an explanation, but it doesn't excuse the person from all blame.

EspressoButler · 15/05/2018 16:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Goldmonday · 15/05/2018 16:26

She is NUTS!!!!!!!!

VodkaLimeSoda27 · 15/05/2018 16:42

I feel for you, OP. My MIL did her utmost to ruin our wedding too Flowers

You need a genuinely united front with your fiance, and preferably to get as far away from her as possible so she has minimal involvement with your lives, if you choose to maintain any contact with her at all (I moved across the Atlantic and it still doesn't feel quite far enough...).

CaledonianQueen · 15/05/2018 16:53

For your DF and you to read together

smile.[[amazon.co.uk/Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Legacy-Reclaiming/dp/0553814826/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=toxic+parents+susan+forward&dpID=51t6IR0bTuL&preST=SY344_BO1,204,203,200_QL70&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1526399320&dpSrc=srch&sr=8-1 amazon.co.uk/Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Legacy-Reclaiming/dp/0553814826/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1526399320&sr=8-1&keywords=toxic+parents+susan+forward&dpID=51t6IR0bTuL&preST=SY344_BO1]],204,203,200_QL70&dpSrc=srch]]

For you to read and discuss with your DF

amazon.co.uk/Toxic-Laws-Strategies-Protecting-Marriage-ebook/dp/B003WJRE4Q/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1526399390&sr=1-1&keywords=toxic+inlaws+susan+forward&dpID=51Q%252BrNS-BzL&preST=SY445_QL70&dpSrc=srch]]

For you to read alone to reassure yourself that your DF is not abusive/ controlling (please do read it, if anything it will help you understand relationship dynamics with family/ friends

smile.[[amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&keywords=why+does+he+do+that+lundy+bancroft&dpID=51tPfFNGABL&preST=SY291_BO1,204,203,200_QL40&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1526399475&dpSrc=srch&sr=1-1 amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1526399475&sr=1-1&keywords=why+does+he+do+that+lundy+bancroft&dpID=51tPfFNGABL&preST=SY291_BO1]],204,203,200_QL40&dpSrc=srch]]

wedwobbin · 15/05/2018 16:56

Grab your fiancé and run for the hills!!!! Grin

But seriously, it's definitely a wise idea to start looking at moving closer to your Mum. The breathing space and distance from his mum could really help his anxiety.

I know it's early days but has he considered counselling of any kind? It seriously helped me to understand that my parents behaviour was toxic and definitely helped me.

Also get the locks changed, sod asking for the keys. She's likely got copies.

You sound lovely op Thanks

happypoobum · 15/05/2018 17:01

yet when he sees his mum he is like a child.

Are you SURE you want to marry him?

God this really doesn't sound very attractive at all. However, that aside, OP I do think you need to take stock of recent events. I don't mean LTB, but you are marrying the man in front of you NOW, not the one you have been dating for however long.

Those texts he sent would have really freaked me out. Just make sure this isn't the mask slipping.

Re MIL, I agree with PP, move FAR FAR AWAY. Minimise contact. Can you IMAGINE what things will be like if you live near her and had DC?

Bratsandtwats · 15/05/2018 17:37

What's the betting that his Mother was whispering in his ear the weekends you were away?!

LakieLady · 15/05/2018 17:52

I feel quite angry about her op. If you were my dd I think I would be paying her a quick visit and if you pm me her address I will anyway.wink

Lol. Can we form a GoodMILs posse? I'd love to give OP's MIL a piece of my mind. She sounds evil.

Hissy · 15/05/2018 19:20

You need to have a conversation with your dp.

Sharpish

This woman is going to plague your life until the day she dies.

Do you seriously want to marry into this family?

If I were you I would START with disinviting her.

I would consider cancelling whatever I could for the wedding and eloping or just excluding her.

She has lied about you, your dp, your bil/sil and possibly even your mother

She can’t be allowed access to you to do this amount of damage to you again

Your dp is showing signs of extreme anxiety which is brought on by his mother’s behaviour

She’s a narcissist and no relationship is possible with narcissists. He’s terrified now that the attention isn’t on her and knows instinctively that, for her, this means war.

jamoncrumpets · 15/05/2018 19:50

When/if you have kids she is going to be 10x worse. You'd never be able to leave them alone with her.

Nikephorus · 15/05/2018 20:06

By kicking off, it was really hurtful texts saying I was cheating, looking at men, where was I, telling me I didn't care about him, he was worthless to me.
Definitely MIL dripping in his ear. Poison + anxiety (which really does fuck with your mind) = irrational behaviour.
Bear in mind that the impending wedding may also be adding to the anxiety, just because it's a stressful time. Personally I think he's doing well to be actively addressing his anxiety with all that's going on. MIL, work, wedding - that's a shed load of anxiety piling up. I wouldn't be coping that well with just one of them, let alone all three.

Motherofallbeasts · 15/05/2018 22:26

I see this as worst of all for your DP, she's trying to destroy his relationship by driving you apart. I would support him in going very low contact and establishing firm rules. I did it with Dhs parents. They think I'm a bitch but I realised early on that the secret is to not give a shit what they think and take a high handed bossy no nonsense attitude. Just get together with your DP and agree rules then enforce them. DH recovered from anxiety and depression but doing this.