MIL from hell, bring popcorn... wtf do I do with her?

[LolaL]

Well... where do I start with this one.
I posted a few weeks ago under a different name about my MIL being very controlling -- changing curtains in mine and my fiances house when I went home to visit my family for a few days, expecting us to visit her 3-4 times per week at short notice and kicking off when we don't, rearranging my kitchen when I went to ride my horse, turning up CONSTANTLY... list is endless...

Anyway, my fiance and I are getting married in the summer. Due to my hobby (horses - high level competitions), the fact I run my own business and that I relocated fucking miles a considerable distance to be with my fiance last year, I don't get too spend too much time with friends/family. I've never been a party animal type, dad was an alcoholic so getting out of control smashed is absolutely not what I like to do - saying that, when I do see my friends, I do really enjoy myself.
Past two weekends, I've been away with my friends (hobby related and my hen party). My fiance kicked off both times, badly and completely ruined my weekends. We've been together for 4 years and this has never happened before so I was worried about him, worried there may be underlying issues he's not talked to me about, more concerned about him that upset about arguments as very uncharacteristic behaviour. He wouldn't open up to me so I made the decision, in confidence, to have a chat with his brother about his behaviour. I've known BIL for longer than my DP, actually used to work for him, so know him well enough to talk in confidence.I know my DP has a huge amount of respect for him, thought he may be able to shed some light on why he is behaving like this.
Whilst I was over at his having a chat, I received a text from my MIL asking how my weekend was (she chose not to come to my hen party). Signal is poor there and I didn't receive. After an hour of me not texting back, apparently feeling "concerned" she came over to our house, dp was there, looked upset so obvious we'd had an argument and asked him what had happen, he told her to mind her own business and she left. Then went to my stables, trying to find me.
She then called SIL (bil's wife) gossiping, did she know that I'd left dp!!! - SIL, sat next to me(!), told her that she didn't know where this had come from, she shouldn't jump to conclusions, stop getting involved in people's businesses, everything was fine.
Cutting an even longer story shorter, I ended up staying at BIL+SILs for a few hours, played with my niece in the garden and having a bbq there. Got a good insight into why DP is upset (work issues), got some really lovely advice from BIL and all happy.
MIL called again, this time to BIL, saying how she was going to call my mum apologising to her about my DP. BIL told her to stay out of this, DP and I are fine, and not to contact my mum?!
I came home, walked into the house and DP was on the phone... my mum had just called him, v upset, asking why our wedding is off.
I called mum back, she said MIL had been on the phone, told her I had "fled" to BIL's and called off the wedding... mum obviously very hurt. MiL had also told her some insane lies... SIL having an affair, my business wasn't working out and I wanted to sell my horses??
MIL also text SIL telling her she is taking her completely awful, WHITE dress she was planning on wearing to our wedding back.

Every couple has issues at points... DP has admitted he's wrong, come clean about work stresses and has completely apologised for ruining my weekends. Went to the drs this morning and they've diagnosed him with anxiety. So no excuse for his behaviour but at least we're getting somewhere with it. At no point did I want to call off the wedding/split up etc.

What on earth do I do with my MIL? I'm so upset that someone would interfere in my relationship like this, for no apparent gain at all. She's really upset my mum and even more upset that off the back of what she's said to them, my parents are questioning whether I'm making the right move marrying him despite him not putting a toe out of line in the 4 years we've been together, except from this.

Appreciate this is a bit of an essay and thank you to anyone who is still here at the end!

I agree with posters who say bring it out into the open. First, I would get your mum and bil and sil together and talk out the issues, soecifically with her nonsense about calling off the wedding, but it'll drift to include other aspects, and you'll all understand what's going on, what her triggers are, what sort of things she does and when, etc etc. You'll finish with everyone understanding the situation much, much better.

This sort of family conference generally ends with everyone feeling less hurt and more positive.

Do that first, so that you'll have a much clearer idea of what you want to do long term, and what youwant to say to her. Then have her over to talk it out with her. Your dp muct obviously be present, but it's up to you whether you have anyone else there too, maybe your bil would be a helpful presence too, especially as he's already taken steps to protect his family.

Then you decide on whether she should be uninvited, or whatever actions you could take vis a vis the wedding, but also your day to day life.

Make sure you have explained very clearly why this is needful -by you I mean dp really but both of you together really (that goes for 'you' throughout).

Rider I wouldn't say worried is the right word... he almost convinced himself that I was going to leave him and refused to see any sense, because I was in a tent in a field with my best friend, surrounded by predominantly women and gay men!
Really working himself up about things that were irrelevant, so worried about how people saw him and was getting very paranoid.

MIL sounds absolutely batshit! She is seriously just making up lies and spreading them around. Is this normal for her? Might a call to her Dr be warranted? If not normal, she might need emergency mental health care (sectioning).
If normal, be wary. I'd consider moving far away. MIL is like this. She (her own DD, my SIL has confirmed) actively tries to break up her children's relationships, as if she is alone, thinks everyone else should be.

DH cannot see half of what she does as unreasonable or manipulative as he grew up with it as his normal. As he gets older, I see more and more of his behaviour, especially towards our DD's, as like his mother. Apple doesn't fall far from the tree. If your DH feels the need to keep his mother involved in your life, no good will come of this.

Annie

Whose last post did you read??

Bat shit response

Op great idea to move nearer your family if you both agree.

Distance will make her so much easier to deal with and you will have your mum near to help you. A change of job may be best for your dh too.

My mother-in-law was like this, eventually her behaviour led to my DH being diagnosed with an OCD and he suffered a complete mental heath breakdown because of her. He's had lots of counselling and is on anti-depressents but its too late, the OCD has taken hold of him and rules his life now leaving him depressed and unable to work, he is a shadow of the man I used to know and its all because of her.

Don't make the same mistakes we made. We ignored MIL for years because neither of us wanted to tackle her and she got worse and worse as she got older. Tackle it now, nip it in the bud or she will taint and ruin your whole life.

Did your MIL pop round when you were on your weekends away by any chance? Is it likely she may have made a seemingly innocuous comment about something like women knowing their place and with DH's anxiety kicking off, his brain put 2 and 2 together and got 74million?

I hope your DM verbally knocks her out over the phone btw.

Hi Lola,

Thanks, nothing personal, just trying to get to grips with a lot of new terms. This thread isn't the place for my opinions. Totally hatstand MIL, wish you all the best.

Wait until after the wedding then absolutely put your foot down. If dh won't deal with it tell him you will.

You wouldn't put up with a horse taking the piss so why your MIL!!

she's clearly got serious issues. I agree with those who say that you need to have very strict boundaries and need to make yourself less interesting. No information what so ever. Ask HER questions about what she' s up to even if the answers are deadly boring. If the focus is on her she may forget about causing havoc.
I suspect this behaviour will get worse until the wedding is over. She's shitting herself as she's 'losing' her son. She might come round after the wedding but i doubt it...
if your DH to be can find a job elsewhere and you can move try to do that.

Hi OP. I've just skimmed through the thread and glad you've been given some good advice

Just a couple of things to add from me

• I don't think your DP's brother is a wise choice of confidente about your DP. Partly because it's not really fair on him I don't think (it's his brother you've come to offload about after all) and partly because I don't think you want to invite more involvement in your realtionship from the family

• secondly, do not sit down and confront MiL alone. It is absolutely vital that either your DP does, or you do it together

Good luck.

Dobby

You can bet your arse she did the cow. Trading on her sons mental health issues. Total evil bitch

could you start the move now?or the plan of.start putting some real positive in place.you don't need to label it as getting away from mil.but getting yourself you lives.getting your future sorted now.
because if shes done this now I assume it heightened by the fact she knows she is getting closer to losing him after the wedding.so by planning to move after or lengthening the time on that she will then have longer to get her claws and little manipulations into that too.and thus the circle continues.
just leave.make that realy strong decision and go for it.

Mmm I think the bil/sil have been super supportive though and that’s helped the op.

But again I vote sell up and move near your mum

Kateandme

Agree abs I think it’s s brilliant honeymoon new start conversation. Not to be discussing the toxic mil and how to deal but new fresh plans and positivity

So when she has interferred in the past-what has been done about it?

How/why did she still have access to your house after she changed the curtains?

She might kick off if you don't visit when she wants-but what do you do when she does?

Ignore her or placate her somehow?

I'm thinking that therehave been no consequences, so she just carries on!

Stormy has some important points. I came on to say this behaviour runs in the family. It will probably come out in your DP eventually either the stress of living with MiL behaviour, or his own life stresses. I would call off the wedding. I don’t normally say that but I think even with confronting this, just remember that all your DP has grown up with is this from his mother, and I think it’s what your future looks like with him. There are mental health issues at play here.

Dobby interesting that you said this, BIL and DP went for a Chinese at MIL's on Saturday night whilst on hen party...(SIL on hen party with me)... MIL talking about how in her days didn't do hen parties etc, stupid to have a "fling before the ring".... likely planted seeds in his head (not justifying his behaviour)
Also found out that when MIL turned up when I was out, she told DP that if he has ruined our relationship and I've left him, she will be ashamed of him and not continue with her treatment for an ongoing illness.
What an awful, manipulative thing to say to your own child!!! Again, turning herself into a victim!!!!!

also with regards to how he acts.we learn from our parents.you no as you get older you have to stop yourself sometimes and think "shit this is just what mum does" jokes.well this will becoming ingrained in him too and for all the wrong reason.so how will he act around you if this isn't stopped.the controlling and anxiety and anger wont stop.and then for future kids.if shes the parent hes learnt from?and no one has stopped or queerried. and partyl he wotn be able to stop that as we behave what we're taught/watched/felt.

By kicking off, it was really hurtful texts saying I was cheating, looking at men, where was I, telling me I didn't care about him, he was worthless to me. No amount of me calling him saying "oh babe don't be silly" could stop it, so I got pissed off, turned my phone off and turned it back on to receive hundreds of messages!

SHE GOT AT HIM

She was the one dripping poison in his ear, I'm willing to bet!

Have a wonderful wedding op and start planning your move back near your family.

Best of luck to your dh with his issues.

Am bowing out now as I can’t bear the thought of someone telling you to call off your wedding or advising my dds boyfriend to steer clear as she had a mental illness and it runs in the family such cruel ignorance is too upsetting.

Hope you come back and tell us how your op progresses and how the wedding was.

Your MIL is purposely trying to stop the wedding. Two weekends of dripping poison in his ear, then calling people telling them the wedding is off.

I'm not sure waiting until after the wedding is going to be good enough here.

I think its getting clear you wont be able to reason with her behaviour or find a solution that will be acted upon because she is clearly all types of disturbed.
so next step is more important and more on you im afraid.becasue its going to take some real deep thinking on how you think you can handle this going forwards.are you ready for this not to change but for you two to become strong enough to deal with her.becasue your dp has reached a breaking point of sorts I think.
so what to do next regarding you,where you live.how you stand together is going to be really important.its how to protect your new unit

Why didn't you change the locks a long time ago?

She is awful!
I wish you and your partner all the luck in the world with the wedding and moving far far away! X