AIBU to think that family members who are still renting in their late 40s are making a big mistake?

[nostaples]

I know this is ultimately not really my business, however, I am worried for them. Also worried about the impact on the wider family, including their parents (in their 70s) if they require financial support as they get older. This is a family of 5. One of the adults works for a decent, but not spectacular, salary (£30,000 ish) and the other doesn't having resigned and spent about a year half-heartedly looking for jobs. There will be some pension provision but the currently working adult had a career gap of over 10 years. The youngest child is over 17 and the oldest early 20s and all at various stages of doing courses (not particularly respected and in not a particularly motivated way) or nothing, none is independent and all living at home. The family has been renting for about 15 years having sold their first home for not much and it was not mortgage free. I think they did this because of an idea that they could clean up when the property bubble burst. The rest of the family thinks any money from the sale has nearly spent. The rent is quite expensive, probably more than they would have paid on a mortgage all this time. Is there something I'm missing or is this a recipe for a very difficult retirement? The family have no security. The children, although young enough to put things right, at the moment, are following their parents' rather aimless approach to careers and financial security. The rest of the family seem reluctant to discuss the situation or offer advice.

Haffiana
Lol at your reply. It’s an interesting way to insult the OP.

There's nothing you can do is there? Unless you wish to buy them a house which you clearly don't and why should you? Stop worrying about stuff that's out of your control. They chose to be feckless like loads of other people. My godparent chose to sell his house and go on a world cruise with his new wife. They were surly rehoused by council and seem happy enough. Who knows what the best route is? His best mate saved for 40 years and died at 58 after a heart attack. Some people are in rented due to tough luck, choice, circumstances etc. That's life.

I'm always amazed people on here appear to know the intricacies of friends and family members finances!
Do you all swap bank statements each month to double check? Or is it largely guess work based on the spending you witness?

Home owning is not for everyone. I rent as I like the convenience and have never wanted to own a house. You sound like you really look down on them and I bet that comes over. Probably best all round if you don’t have anything to do with them, for their sake much more than yours. How utterly condescending.

Not worried about the inheritance?

Give over!

None of your business, OP.

That's the issue: they HAD a house and chose to sell up and rent instead. This is not about a family struggling with poverty but IMHO making poor financial and life choices.

^So they will spend all their money now and then expect the state to house them etc when they run out of money. People like this infuriate me.

Actually @nostaples their financial choices, which seem odd to you, might (might x 100!) have been sensible. If they were experiencing some financial difficulties when they had a mortgage then selling to become renters might have been sensible. Perhaps doing so has prevented bankruptcy or protected their credit rating for example? It sounds as though their household income is and has been precarious - having a mortgage would have been an awful weight for them to manage.
Maybe they have savings, maybe they are still biding their time, maybe they will downsize when the children move on, maybe they are making the best of a bad situation?
We have a mortgage - but I always think of that as renting from the bank!
In terms of what you could do - could you let them know that if they ever want to chat, you're there for them, no judgement, no opinion?
You are close to the story yes, but really won't know all the details. It's hard to care and worry but you can't do anything else until asked.

If you’re that concerned OP you should buy them a house. Oh wait, not that easy is it.

You have no idea what puts people in a situation like this. You sound quite deluded.

They're your inlaws. Not yours to worry about!

You keep talking about the elderly parents "having to" support this family.

Are they already "supporting them"? And then hand wringing and complaining to you about it?

If so your biggest problem is the elderly parents. They're not helping, they're enabling and whilst ever they are nothing will change.

If you want to help then the honest conversation needs to be with them. Read up on enabling and why it's so harmful, then next time they (martyr themselves) and complain to you about it sit them down and explain why the best thing they can do it stop!

They probably won't, but at least you will have tried.

Are you worried about your IL's not having anything left for your partner to inherit if they bail them out 🤔

Well if they’ve spent all their money the ship has sailed. They won’t be able to buy now with no deposit and a salary of 30k will they?

OP I assume you have your realtives' permission to share such details online with the world?

Can't you just accept that not everyone wants to live by your standards?

This home ownership fascism and obsession with money is getting too much.

Maybe you are jealous because they are happy?

*relatives (sorry for the typo)

In terms of the bank they’ll be able to get a 20 year mortgage at 50. The bank want to know that you’ll still have at least the same income for the life of the mortgage that’s all.

I’m in my mid 40s and only just managed to get a mortgage now because I didn’t have a deposit previously. I’ll have to work til 70 unless the market picks up massively.

You don’t know why they have made the choices they have, it certainly sounds as if there may have been ill-advised decisions, but everybody makes these. Everyone. 30k isn’t a lot of money -it’s half what I earn and with young children I couldn’t have managed a deposit or mortgage before. I understand your concern, I was incredibly concerned (not about my parents) but about my retirement and my children having a deposit for a home (from the sale of mine hopefully when I die), but you can’t live others’ lives for them and it’s important that your parents in-law deal with this if necessary, not you. If all the inheritance is spent by your in-laws before they die, then so be it. That’s their concern. Sad, but true.

Home owning is not a magic bullet. Loads of people rent all their lives. These are five earning-age adults living together. At some point the younger three will have to start earning something but if they don’t want to move out then that’s to the advantage of their parents as they age. If the parents had bought a house they’d probably have to sell it eventually for elderly care anyway.
If the five of them are really living on 30k then they’re doing really well! Their pension years won’t be much more difficult than stretching 30k round five adults.

If you're so concerned OP why not buy them a house ! Oh thought not!!!!!

Op , are unbelievably judgey.
It’s becoming more difficult to buy a house even for people on decent wages.
I have bought my own home, but many of my friends haven’t managed to. It’s attitudes like yours which make people feel awful about their lives.
Furthermore, we don’t know the future, many people who had bought their homes, have lost it due to a variety of reasons, such as job loss and ill health, so come down from your high horse and have empathy.

nostaples
MYOBB, do you honestly think I have no right to be concerned about family members? Personally, I think that's a more unusual (and slightly selfish) view than mine.

It is possible to myobb and still be concerned in a respectful way. You seem to be very judgemental, disrespectful towards their ability to make choices that are right for them and disrespectful of your IL ability to protect themselves from possibly being taken advantage of in the future which hasn't even happened yet. You sound like a meddlesome type. You think if you talk to them they will all of a sudden change and do things your way? Really? So many pp telling you to myob and it hasn't changed your stance.

Op has gone but just in case she returns....
I don't think your reasoning is that bad. It IS normal to be concerned about ur family. Providing that you are genuinely not interested in the potential inheritance, you do have a sensible outlook. The problem is, as you well know, your in laws don't. And that affects your pil and a lesser degree, your dh. I think that's quite normal, it is sad to watch ur pil worry, especially if it's a regular topic of conversation in ur household. So though there may be an element of judgement, it is unfair to criticise your concern.
Someone has made the point that it is the pil enabling this. I think that's right. It really does need to be them to say no more to whatever demands they keep making. They are potentially a household that could rake in the wages. But as long as they get regular handouts, why should they? They probably need a severing of income to make them realise they need to work (assuming there are no barriers to this). So instead of having a go at them, your pil and ur dh need to do it. I wouldn't say anything if I were you. The ball is in their court.
As for the children, don't get involved. Just really praise them when they so well or be a listening ear, adult to adult.
And finally, what does ur dh think? It is his family after all...

YABVVVU.

MYOB.

OP YANBU. I also think that family members who do not drive a Rolls Royce are making a big mistake? Other cars are much less reliable.

Hmm, I can partly see where you're coming from, I'm assuming you're a sibling. I have a few siblings, one very successful, one has made a number of very poor choices, mainly money choices. Constant job changing, periods of unemployment, debt and borrowing off parents, etc etc. Things have settled slightly, but it is none of my concern, when my parents fret about siblings life choices I say it is purely that, their life.

I really think you need to take your judgement and back off. You cannot possibly know the ins and outs of their financial circumstances, and it has nothing to do with you anyway.

I think you don’t know what their full financial situations are like. Cousin rented his whole life on a seemingly low salary (25-30k) and then at 60 got paid for a house in cash.

If everyone only posted on MN about things which only affected them directly there would be an awful lot of tumbleweed around here.

OP I do get your concerns and also that you posted on an anonymous forum to see if you were missing something so no confidentiality has been broken.

There isnt a lot you can do except perhaps give the parents the support and confidence to only help as far as they can afford.. I have relatives who constantly bemoan to my DM how unfair life is and how nothing is ever their fault. All we can do is give DM the support to step back and be a little more sceptical about their claims of being victimised by life generally.